MY NEW BLOG
Dear reader,
This blog has had it's final posting. It was fun while it lasted, and for what its' worth, I think I had a good run with this little blog...348 posts in 5 years.... not too bad for a pet project. But as I've moved on to another site, and its finally set up. Future posts will be at my new blog below:
http://ifimbeinghonest.blogspot.com/See you there!
Cheers!
Chapter Closed
It’s with mix feelings that I tell you this. I’m closing the curtain on this blog.
It’s been 5 years since I posted my first blog here. Let me just say that when I wrote my first post, I had no idea that I would have continued doing it for the next 5 years. I started this blog because I felt that I needed an outlet to express myself; my thoughts, my opinions, but mostly, my feelings. I knew that I had a love affair with words; I enjoy expressing myself through writing more than anything else, and that was really something I didn’t know how to share with the people around me since I couldn’t freely say the things I wanted about everything and everyone around me if I was expecting them to read it at the same time. Thus, the idea of writing a blog, anonymously came so naturally to me. The idea forthnights came because I THOUGHT I would write every 2 week once… but that turned out to be misleading (sometimes months on with no post and sometimes 3 post in a week)… and the address greatcowsense came because …well… my dad said I had a lot of ‘cowsense’… whatever THAT meant. Haha…
I have always been one to shy away from attention. Unlike some go to great lengths to promote their blog, I have never felt 100% comfortable with the idea of people reading the things I was about to write, mainly because many of the things I knew I would be writing about were immensely personal. I never back linked my blog to other blogs (even though there are some I follow faithfully) because to me, this was my personal space. If someone read it, liked it and identified with it, you flatter me. I would feel honoured that my writings actually deserved a bookmark! Why any stranger would find my life worth knowing about remains to be answered. But this was never to gain more page loads or popularity. This was not a community / social blog; this was my personal chronicle of my life and my emotions.
As I read back on my own thoughts, my memories are refreshed and evoked; of times when things were so rough I never thought I would ever get through it, of memories so sweat and dear I could almost feel the emotions again just by reading my own lines. To that extent, this blog has served its purpose. I have half a decade worth of thoughts and emotions nicely written down like a diary. You will know that so many of my postings were about my family, my loved ones, my childhood memories and my mother; these are a self generated proof to me of where my heart lies.
When I first started, I was a 19 year old college boy trying to pick up the pieces of a home shattered into a million pieces caused by infidelity, depression, mental illness and mistakes of the previous generation. I was totally reliance on others financially, I had no direction in life except to get through day by day, and the biggest worry I had was just my education. Today, I’m on the verge of my 24th birthday (next week 29th); I am now a working adult, a step away from starting a family of my own; no longer the victim and sufferer of my family’s past, but care giver and protector of what’s left of that family and the new one I hope to build. I am today financially independent, I support my parents and care for my mother, and the biggest worry I have is how to afford getting married! It’s amazing what a short 5 years can change. What happens this next 5 years I leave in the hands of God Almighty.
I like to think of this as a new chapter I am living now; and just like how one chapter is built based on the previous, so it is that everything in my life now has been build on the previous, so on and so forth. All good things come to an end. This blog began with the start of the previous chapter in my life and it’s only fitting that it also ends with the completion of that chapter. Still, some things remain the same. I have come to love blogging more than ever because it gives me the space to express. I will not stop writing and sharing my feelings online albeit still anonymously.
To all, everyone and anyone out there who reads this, thank you for your readership and comments all this time… I’m glad to have shared something with you and hope you have gained something out of it for your own life, even if it’s just something small. I ask only one thing in return; drop me a hello, tell me who you are and where you are from, how you came across my writings, and why you read them! (because really, I don’t know why you do!) You can post a comment, or drop me an email
I will of course post a link to my new blog when I have set it up, for those still interested to follow me on this interesting journey that life has put me on. It will still be the same me, but it will also reflect on the person that I have become today; more grown up, less innocent and naïve, but so help me God, just as honest about my feelings.
I can't do this.....
I can't do it.... I can't be a pillar of strength all the time. I can't constantly be the the one to hold the fort, churn out the advise, or keep everything together.
My brother called the day before... We spoke for almost an hour... He's unhappy with his job (again), he feels dissatisfied with life and is thinking maybe migrating to New Zealand is the solution. He wants to propose to his girlfriend of one year and bring her with him. But she's not entirely sure. He's not sure if the answer to his dissatisfaction is in the people and place here in Malaysia or within him. He said his best friend was leaving to the UK this October to study a phD in Oxford. He felt happy for his friend, sad that he was leaving, but also jealous because he too wanted to go abroad. We speak for a hour... as I left the office, driving to the nearby swimming pool. I was going for a swim, but ended up taking in the car instead..... I said he needed to do some soul searching and find out what he really wanted out of life, and what would make him happy. Is going overseas his form of escape or a genuine desire to live a different life? Did he really love this girl? Was she willing to go along with this plan? What if you scare her off? Why do hate your job? We talked and talked talked.... and still could find no conclusion. I told him we will discuss more, ever dinner perhaps next week.
That night my girfriend was venting on and on about how she couldn't stand the immaturity of her brother, constantly relying on her to solve all his problems, as if she was his mother or something. She felt unappreciated by her brother, that somehow she is being question on how good a sister she really is. She felt that she had not done enough for her brother, thus his discontentment in her. She also felt that in work, people were antagonizing her, and saying bad things of her and nit picking at everything she does to find a fault. She said she can't stand working there anymore under an uncompetent manager and an uncaring organizastion.. She is determined to go to middle east by end of the year... She was venting and venting, half close to tears, half angry enough to rip a phone book in two....I told her she was doing all she could as a sister, and that was all that was ever required of her.... She was not his mother, and he is not there to solve all his problems. The guy wants to be treated like an adult but behaves like a baby.ive him time I said... He will come to his senses, he will learn.... In time. For now, let him be. Her colleagues were scared.. and probably a bit jealous. People can't always take it when someone younger, with less experience suddenly starts rising up to your level. It scares them, and they fell threatened. They nit pick and find fault because the better you are, the more obvious your mistakes seem. No one cares if a 12 year old makes a spelling mistake, but everyone would laugh and pick on you if your international best seller book speak the word 'miscellaneous' wrong.
The next morning, I go to work and by 11a.m, 4 officers from the Malaysian Royal Customs comes barging into our office. My boss was not around.. and no senior colleagues. Everyone looks to me to handle the issue. I invite them in and ask what is the matter... They demand to see all our company records, financial transactions, bank statements, import and export documents, shipping documents.. Everything under the sun. When I asked what for, they said they couldn't tell until their investigatio was done. Bloddy hell. I tried my best to argue, plea, play nice, fight..... trying to stick to my wits. Its not that we are doing any criminal activities....A disgruntled ex-employee had been sending all sorts of letters to immigration, labour department, clients and now, customs... saying our company was up to no good. I was under strict instruction not to give anything to this people. "Play dumb and don't give anything".. I was told. On the other hand, the customs officer looked at me point blank and said "I have the authority to cart away every single thing in this office. You can be nice and co-operate, or this can turn ugly.".... Damn... Caught between a rock and a hard place. I used whatever wits I had to try and keep it under control. FIVE HOURS later after a thorough grilling session, they left ..... with some files......(with a promise to return next monday) but I think I kept the damage under control. But knowing how they work, they will most likely be watching our office this few days.. to make sure we don't try to remove any files... That evening I had a long talk to my boss...He said it was lucky I was there, else they would have carted half the office with them. I wanted to give this ex-staff a piece of my mind, and a punch in the face. I had a long day and said goodnight to him.
By that evening, my girlfriend had called me about 10 times with no answer. She had high fever, her entire body was aching, coughing... she was terrified if she had got the swine flue. Her colleague was in self quarantine for 3 days. She was pissed at me for sticking around in office so late, and not answering her calls. She was expecting that I would rush to her at first chance to tend to her.... "Now I know where you true priorities lie.." she texted me. I'd be pissed too if I were her. But that one line single handedly was the finishing blow to my streak of misfortunes this few weeks.
I drove home... dejected... deflated... demotivated.... My mind was numb.. I couldn't think straight. I can't do this. I'm not superman.....I can't be everyone's pillar of strengh all the time! I just had the most shitty day in office in 2 years... I have practically on the job 2 weeks straight, I had to travel up north again to my wretched hometown again for the weekend and be back in office by monday to welcome the bloody customs officers, I've had no time to spend with my family or friends (many of which were a bit pissed at me for turning their invitations down), my girlfriend was sick AND pissed at me, my brother is having a mini crisis of his own...........Everyone was turning to me to either defend them, support them or give them relief... and at that moment, had no idea who to turn to for MY relief, and even if I did have someone to turn to, I didn't even have the bloody time to go see them.
This morning, I woke up.... and for once felt like driving off to the wilderness instead of going to work... away, away, away from everything and everyone. I need a break... I need an escape... I can't be a pillar of strength all the time....
A past revisited....
The place I used to live...
the memories that were made there...... I was there again.
Even after all these years... I could not believe that I could still be so affected by it, just by being there. Since the last time, I told myself I would never again return to this place. EVER. Like I said, its funny how life brings you the most unexpected things, good and bad.
They were just looking for a good place to eat, and though I knew no less that 3 places to point to, I told them this was my old home town and didn't know much. I was afraid to betray the thoughts running inside of me. In truth, it was much more than that. It was a big chapter in the story of my life as a child. I said nothing, I spoke to no one, and I betrayed no emotion as the car traveled deeper into the town.
There was the primary school I attended for 1 day, before trying to run away. There was the long road my brother, mother and I walked when we got kicked out of the house by my aunt 3am in the morning. There was the small grocery shop my brother and I stole a magnifying glass from because we wanted it so badly, couldn't afford one. This was the place my family fell apart. This was the place my mother spent living on the streets for months with nothing but the cloths on her back. This was the place I HATED coming to every single school holiday since I was 12 and old enough to know how to take the bus alone. I hated it down to my guts, but I cared for my mother even more. My brother hated it too, and he chose to stay behind in KL, enjoying his new found like and friends, trying to forget that he too had a mother who was living alone and penniless needing love and care. I never begrudged him... In fact, I begrudged myself. Why couldn't I be more selfish? Why can't I care just like my brother? Why can't my heart turn cold and hard, and not give a damn about whether or not she missed her children? Why did I have to care so much........
Its hard to be thinking all these things and keep a straight face. Its hard to act as if this was just another place when deep down you know the significance of it to your life. I don't think I can ever come back to this town without thinking about my past.... a past I have not given much thought to since I started my adult life.
They say time heals all wounds..... and maybe it has. But even time can't erase the scars it leaves. They have become a part of me, of my history. People stop asking you about your past the more you get older. Its only when you are growing up that people sympathize if you had it tough as a kid. Once you become an adult, people just don't really give a shit. They all have issues to deal with just like you and me. Life goes on and we can't live in the past. I believe I have moved on. But I'd be lying if I said I still do not carry excess baggage from it. So it is that I carry hidden scars that people don't know about and never ask. Unlike scars that are visible on the body, emotional scars aren't something easy to recognize.....
This place... this town... this house.... this is my scar. You can't look at a scar and not remember how you got it. People with bodily scars get to brag and talk about how they got it and in time, it helps them come to terms with it and accept it. That is something I think I haven't done enough of. Sorry if all of these doesn't make much sense to you. This is just me talking about it and trying to come to terms with it.
Elie Youssef Najem
Ever heard of a Mr. Elie Youssef Najem?
No? that's OK. Neither did the rest of Malaysia until he made the headline news a few years back pledging a billion ringgint to MAKNA, the Malaysian Cancer Council. Of course, we all know pledges are free, and till today, MAKNA has yet to receive the alleged money.
He's probably the most high profile, biggest scam / con artist around town, and he lives right here, in Bangsar.
You can read up all about him and his self professed 'billion's here at
his website. Read between the lines, and you'll ready get to know what Mr. Elie, or as he calls himself 'Lord Elie', is all about.
It would seem he's some billionaire royalty from Lebanon who grew up in Canada but fled to Malaysia because the 'Atkinson Family' is trying to kill him. He must mean Mr. Rowan Atkinson a.k.a Mr. Bean. Yes, that's a stone cold killer if I ever saw one. His money is all stuck because the government (which government I don't know) has all his banking papers and want to kill him the first chance they get. And so, since he's grievously stricken with cancer, walks around in crutches and what have you, he asks in his website for donations for him to continue living.. You poor billionaire you...
I stopped short of ripping my eyes out while reading the testimonial of how giving this 'noble philanthropist' owed countless business around the world..By the way, I googled all the stated companies, and not one came up legit! The testimonial is even allegedly written by some reporter from the Washington post! Well, that explains the grammar! Other than that, we are supposed to believe one of his brother is a Olympic gold medalist, the other owns the largest computer factory in the world and another married to some Italian royalty trying to regain their right to the thrown. Does Italy even have a king? I thought they had the Pope!
Really, I'm a bit lost for words at this guy. I was going to write a long post about how silly and stupid this whole thing is, but the more I read his little website, the more words fail me. I mean.. the sheer amount of bullshit this guy is capable of producing is just amazing... To wove together such a grand yet preposterous story line means this guy really thinks he's a master con man and story teller, capable of fooling the world, or he's seriously retarded. I'm inclined to believe the latter. Someone should take does fake crutches from him and knock him in the head. The sooner Mr. Bean kills him, the better.
Love this comic strip!
Don't you just love Calvin & Hobbes? Click on it for a larger view.
So much for being humane to your brother...
Its incredibly ironic that barely a day after spending my time writing about how great we Malaysians are as a people, this comes out as a headline news on Sunday.
Ray of hope turn out to be nightmareInhumane bastards... What kind of society do we live in? What kind of people are we? How can we treat our fellow man like this?
There are some things very close to my heart.. and the care of the mentally ill people is one of them. Its a subject matter that intensely personal and close to my own heart. My blood boils and my heart starts pounding as I read they way these people are treated, locked up, permanently stripped naked, left to urine and pass motion out in the open and not fed or cleaned properly.
Many people will never really understand the heart ache and difficulties of having to care for a mentally ill person; an invisible and unseen illness that deeply affects the lives of the person and their entire family. I am neither a selfless volunteer nor an activist in these matters. But I am one of those people who actually live through it; caring for someone you love and is a part of your family but mentally ill.
The amount of hardship, and the depths of the heartache are so much.. that if you knew before what lay ahead, you would never even dare shoulder the task. It has caused me so much pain, tears and suffering that you never really become quite the same person you once were. It challenges you, it drains you, it eats at you.... it brings out the very worst in you. But in all the trials, somehow, it also brings out the best in you. It shapes you, strengthens you, and builds you up into a much tougher person.
But this is no excuse. Whatever hardship we face as care givers, nothing excuses treating the mentally ill worse that we would our pet animals. I understand these people aren't the family of the patients there. They are just salaried workers, doing their job. But even then, is there no sense of common decency towards your fellow man? Do you not realize that despite his illness, this man also deserves love and respect? He is someone's son, brother, father or uncle. What has he done to deserve such humiliating and indecent treatment? His illness is not his own doing. Who are you and what right do you have to inflict such humiliating actions on them?
Even in facing the difficult task of keeping them safe and away from harm, even from their own selves, their basic decently and dignity should always be kept. The means do not justify the ends in this case. Just like there is a right and wrong way to achieving something, there is a right way, and there is a wrong way in caring for these mentally ill people. Is there no respect for a persons basic rights to decency? Do nothing that will compromise the persons basic right to be clothed, to be properly fed and maintain their own personal hygiene.
You should never take these rights away from them any sooner than you would from your own brother or sister.
I am soOo disillusioned right now...
It would seem he's some billionaire royalty from Lebanon who grew up in Canada but fled to Malaysia because the 'Atkinson Family' is trying to kill him. He must mean Mr. Rowan Atkinson a.k.a Mr. Bean. Yes, that's a stone cold killer if I ever saw one. His money is all stuck because the government (which government I don't know) has all his banking papers and want to kill him the first chance they get. And so, since he's grievously stricken with cancer, walks around in crutches and what have you, he asks in his website for donations for him to continue living.. You poor billionaire you...