Forthnights

Mommy's boy

After that 30 minute arguement with my brother, i asked my mother if i was really wrong in not calling my father now and then. Being rather against my father, my mother said that if i didnt call him enough, it was his own fault. But my brother had a point, i hardly, if ever call my father. I honestly told my brother that i do not feel the need or the urge to call my father up and share. Even since secondary school, when my father was trying to juggle having 2 wives at the same time, one week being here, one week there, i never called him when he was not around, and if i did, it was because i had something important to tell him. Why was it never an issue then, why is it suddenly an issue now. Suddenly i am guilty of alienating my family and not sharing my life with them. The only person i share with is my girlfriend. She did agree that i didnt share much with my family, her included, but she said she understood since i was busy. But that was not it. She said something else that i never considered before. She said that its understandable, since i am more attached to her than to my father. Her own reasoning was that as a baby, my mother breastfed me, and took care of me, hence our bond is stronger. My father on the other hand, didint have much to do with my upbringing as a kid. On the other hand, my father was highly involved when my brother was born, and he has recounted to use many times how he took care of my brother when my mother was ill....

I never considered it before, but somehow when she said it, something stirred in my heart, and i knew she was right. My mother has always had a special place in my heart. Just reading back at my own blog, seeing the number of post in which i have mentioned my mother, i cannot deny my own feelings. Going back into the room, i asked my girlfriend if she agreed that i was more attached to my mother and she said yes without missing a beat. She said of all of the rest of my family, whenever she and i had arguements, i was most defensive and protective over my mother. I know this because i told her myself that, it would mean the most to me if she got along well with my mother. It means more to me for her to get along with my mother more than with my father or brother.

Suddenly i felt a little embarassed. I didnt realise that i was such a mummy's boy. It really broke my heart when i realised that my mother and girlfriend couldnt get along. In fact, she cant get along with my entire family. I wondered how i was going to keep the 2 women in my life close to me and happy at the same time. Few weeks ago, in our talk of moving out, my mother confessed that she would rather stay where we were. I was really surprised when she said that, if i am away, she would be willing to stay at our present house with my girlfriend. I asked her how she was going to do that since she and her couldnt get along. But she just said that she was willing to, as long as my girlfriend contributed to the household. That really made me happy, because it showed to me that she now accepted her to a greater extent, even if it is just marginal.

I know that my father and brother arent too happy that i do not share with them. I openly told my brother that it was awkward for me. More with my father than with him. I said that i could detect more goodwill in him, so i am more willing to tell him things. But in my father, i detect little good will. He doesnt seem genuinly interested in getting to know my problem or what is important to me. My girlfriend is important to me, and if you want to share my life, get to know her, this person who has such a big portion of my heart. Everytime i speak to him, he's more busy trying to give out advice on how to live our lives; advice that contradict the values he thought us as children. Now that he has divorced his wife and moved into my brothers place, i am sure ill be seeing much more of him again. But as i said, he isnt the same man as he used to be. I dont know if i'll be able to bring myself to give him calls regularly and create conversation like my brother does so naturally. Perhaps I am lacking in that department. But from my mothers statement, i at least know why i am not as attached to my father as they expect me to be. Similarly, i now realise just how come whatever happens with my mother; her well being, her illnesses, her nagging, her complaining, her laughther, her touch and her hug all affect me so much. When i talk to my father, it is formal and to a certain extent, void of emotions. I naturally refrain from exhibiting any strong emotions and remain friendly in a very business like fashion. But with my mother, i do not talk like that. To my embarassment, she likes to cling on to me and hug me whenever we go out, but it feels more natural and warm. I talk to her and seldom attempt to hide how i am feeling. I show to her, plain to see how i feel about matters, something i seldom if ever do with my father. With him its all diplomatic and calm. Thats why the outburst the other day was such a surprise to me. I did not expect myself to react to him that way.

I guess in conclusion, i feel more for my mother than my father. I symphatize and emphasize less with my father, because in a way, i feel that he is responsible for his own actions. He chose to leave my mother, he chose to marry 2 malay wives and convert to Islam. He chose to divorce them. He chose, he chose, he chose. All that he is suffering and going through now is a direct consequence of his actions, of his infidelity, of his itch for other women. Though i do pity him, i also feel that all these problem were brought about by is own actions. Yes, he had no idea it would turn out this way, but he did it all despite strong objections, despite being rejected by his family and children.

With my mother, i remember having countless sleepless nights, thinking of her and how she was doing alone back up north. What did she do wrong? What sin did she commit that she now deserved to be alone in an empty house with no money, no children and no friends? Her only sin was that she was ill. And that 'sin' was enough for her husband to leave her along, for her children to be taken from her and left to stand on her own two feet, after giving up her career to be a home maker, and the stigma of mental illness to battle alone. My self guilt stemmed from the fact that my mother had done nothing wrong but was made to suffer more than any of us who stand by and watch injustice done in front of our own eyes. Even when she went out to the streets begging for food and taking mother from strangers, i could never bring myself to blame her. I felt ashamed, i felt angry, i felt devestated, but it was never directed to her, though i never realised it at the time. It was direct at myself for letting it happen. She had done nothing wrong. SHe had done the best she can, with what she had.

At 52, both my parents have gone through so much, and have little of the pass to show for, except countless countless bitter memories. But the difference is, my father had a hand to play in his own misery, my mother did not. In so many ways, my father is a victim of his own actions, my mother a victim of her circumstances. So tell me now, have i been wrong in not feeling more for my father?

posted by Compulsive Blogger @ 11:26 pm Comments: 1