Forthnights

Church Anyone?

I seem to be stuck in a never ending stuggle within myself about going to church. I grew up in a home that embraced Christianity. When i was 6 years old, my mother taughted me a prayer and we prayed together for Jesus to come into my heart so that I can have Christ in my life and become a Christian. We used to attend Church regularly every Sunday. The Sunday school teacher said i was very bright because i knew many of the bible stories (which were told to us by my parent). During sermon, because my brother and I couldn't keep still nor keep quiet, my father would buy us each a colouring book with colour pencils for us to colour during sermon, so that we'd keep quiet! And i must say it was pretty effective. For some strange reason, i only wanted to colour if it was Robocop. I just loved Robocop as a kid

But then, when my father left, we gradually stopped going to Church. Moving back and forth from the North to KL, we eventually shyed away from the Church comunity. Even till today, there are people in the First Baptist Church in PJ that may recognized my parents, and perhaps feel my brothers face and mine very familiar. My brother has since moved on, and he's a regular church goer in a different Church. Its a different story for me

It's not that i havent tried going to Church before. There was a time that i made it a point to go to Church every Sunday. I too my own initiative and went alone to a Church. But after going to the Church for about a month and still stuck at square one, with absolutely no one i know, i stopped going. I just went to service, sang the praise and worshipe, listen to the sermon, but during the break, (it seem to me) nobody took the initiative to introduce me or make me feel more welcomed. So i just stoped going, not liking the feeling at all. Sad too coz i really had a good impression of the Church and i enjoyed the singing and listening to the sermons, after so many years of not going to Church

By brother asked me "Dont you feel the need to have God in your life?" I wasnt really sure how to answer. Do I feel the need for God? Do i believe in God? Do i want God in my life? How real is God to me? I have to say that, in the majority of things that i do, i dont really have God close to heart all the time. I mean, i just go about doing the things i do, the way i see it. Do i believe in God? yes. But then, i guess i need more convincing. Its just so easy to ignore, because there is no visible consequence for not beliving. Do i want God in my life? I guess what i really want is that faith in God. I cannot pretend to have faith. I cannot just go to Church every Sunday, and be active in Church and say "I have faith" I need something that will seal my belief, that will leave me certain beyond any doubt about the reality of God.

Last year, during our carolling in Assunta Hospital. Before we left, the sister asked me to pray for the entire group before leaving to the hospital. Apparently, i was the leader of the carolling group and it was only proper that i say a prayer for the group. I was "Noooooooooooooooo......" I did even want to be leader, let alone be appointed. Just because i led and guided the practice sessions because i played the guitar, doesnt mean i want be leader and pray for everyone! I mean, i hardly pray in private, and NEVER pray out loud, let alone lead a prayer for a 30something strong carolling group during Christmas. I felt like just jumping into a hole somewhere. If i needed a prayer, i was how to get through this alive! The entire first 5 minutes of it was pure nonsenes i tell u. It was just utterly humiliating for me. I stuttered, and i was talking nonsense. But if there was a miracle in this world, it came to me on that day. After 5 minutes of nonsense prayer, i suddenly found the proper words and the proper things to say. The more i continued, i could hear people saying "Yes lord." here and there, agreeing to what i was praying. I was just taken aback. Are you actually following my prayer? Is my prayer even worth following? Normally, id be among the crowd, praying along. But that day, i was the one praying and though i made a total fool of myself for the first 5 minutes, i thank God for guiding me and managed to wrap it up rather nicely. But still, after the prayer i wanted to find a hole to jump into. I was sweating cold sweat and hoped that everyone quickly forgot that episode of amatuer praying.

When i had dinner with my mother and brother one night, my brother asked me to say grace, i said its better if he said it, because i didnt really know how to. He said to me "You dont even know how to pray?How embarassing." I flushed red. Not sure more out of embarrasement, anger or guilt.?

I find myself distant from God. Even in Church, i feel that God if far way. I do pray sometimes to God, but i dont know if he's listening and if im praying properly. More importantly, being a Christian is more than just believing and praying. I am cut off from the Church, even if i believe in Christ. So does that make me a Christian still? What is a Christian if he doesnt belong to a Church? Is merely saying i believe enough?

posted by Compulsive Blogger @ 2:21 pm Comments: 1

'Haze'ardous

The haze has finally lifted! And what a sight of relief it has been, all of us finally getting a breather. For the past week, there has been a cloud of haze that swept over the entire Klang Vallley. The cause of it? Forest/Open burning from Sumatra. The funny thing it, no one is sure if the fire is natural, or as widely speculated, an illegal act from people. Just to give you a rough idea of what it was like. By Thursday, the haze was so thich, visibility dropped to 150m! From our place, the usual view of KLCC and KL Tower was totally gone, replace by a blanked of white smoke. Even staying in-doors, you could see the smoke across the room. Breathing was difficult. Mask sold like hot cakes, and very soon, everyone was wearing them, If you thought the last haze a few years ago was bad, this was just plain horrible. With everywhere being covered with mist of smoke, people wearing mask, you'd think there was some kind of chemical attack or the world has fowarded to the next century with the polution beyond any rescue.

By Thursday also, a state of emergency was declared in Klang and Kuala Selangor, where the haze was the worst. All schools, universities, outdoor activities were cancelled. People were discouraged from using their cars and going out. Back in Indonesia, there was a push to quickly pass the law proposed last year for the death sentence fot those who created forest fires. 2 Ministers went to Indonesia to help, and the Malaysian government sent some help to put out the fires in Sumatra

Today, though the haze hasnt totally gone, at least you can see the sky. Once again, i realise another thing we take for granted constantly. The simple and unassuming sky. Just being able to see the clear blue above now seems a blessing. I'll be sure to appreciate it more from now on.

posted by Compulsive Blogger @ 11:56 pm Comments: 0

Mother: Part III (A change for the better)

Somehow, things sometimes seem to take a course of it's own. When my brother came back from camp after the weekend and my mother was due to be disharged within the next few days, my father, brother and I sat down to discuss what our next course of action would be. When we asked my brother what he wanted to do, he just said he found a home for her and that we will bring her there. I'm not sure why the sudden change of stand, but he's reason was that my mother couldn't come while my cousin was still staying with us. I made a mental note that he conveniently left out Mae from it.

So ,when my mother was discharged, we brought her to the home in PJ Section 5 along with her things that i packed at home. It has since been 1 week plus, and the progress has been good. The two weeks spent in the hospital stabalized my mother due to the medication. But she wasnt happy. The home is definitely cozier that a hospital, and so far she seems to be fitting in quite well. In fact, im very happy she is there. My brother and i visit her often. I have made it a point to visit her at least once on the weekdays and once on the weekends. Staying there, just has put on much needed weight, and she looks much healthier and happier.

Just the other day, I was actually up over my head with work, but i felt that i needed to visit her, knowing that she was expecting. So i made the trip down, arriving there after the visiting hours. They let me in nonetheless, and i sat down with her in a quite spot and she ate the fruits that i brought. She seemed genuinely happy, and she was all smiles and laughs. As i spoke to her, and told her about whats going on in my life, school, girlfriend, money etc etc, i felt happy that i was finally able to share my life with her. Happy that, at the very least, i now had regained my mother, having her again as part of my life, as opposed to just visiting her during the holidays. She held my hand, patted it just like she used to do, which made me feel very warm (i guess a mothers touch will always be familiar and warm to their children). It was a very warm feeling, getting to hear my mother laugh again, able to hold her hand, and know that she is well and taken care of.

Though we face very stiff challenges financially right now, at least one part of our life has seem to change, and it has been a change for the better. i used to be envious of my friend when i see them with their mothers. I dont blame my mother for not being there, i blame myself for not acting sooner. To have a mom that took care of you, no matter how small or tedious the matter is always nice. My entire teenhood was spent without my mother around, so i always felt that i missed out on something. And now, just out of my teens and entering young adulthood, i have her in my life again. But this time, the roles have been reversed. Now it is us who are taking care of her.

It is a burden we are more that willing to shoulder, if you can even call it a burden. It's more like repayment for bringing us into this world, a previlage to take care of the person who took care of you throughout childhood. i fell more whole again, like a big piece of the pie that is my life has has been filled up after being fragmented for so long. I guess a certain friend of mine was right when she told me that God takes care of us, even if we go astray.

posted by Compulsive Blogger @ 11:52 pm Comments: 0