Who and What i am
Sometimes i wonder why i am the way i am. In fact i struggle to grasp what exactly am i. Some people seem to know exactly who and what they are and how they behave. By all evaluations, i am a conservative, although not totally. I am young still yet i do not behave like the rest of my friends. They go clubbing, have fun fool around, have lots of cash to spend and basically enjoy life to the max. As clearly stated by my friend, this is the time to enjoy life, to do what your heart desires whithout any worries, because you dont get a second chance, once you are all grown up and have responsibilities then you'll regret not doing this things.
I have long pondered on this statement. I do want to enjoy life. I look at my friends and they have little worries, being almost all grown up and know how to seek the pleasures in life, yet conveniently sponsored by their parents in terms of cash. If only they knew what their children were up to. I on the other hand feel burdened. I cannot just let loose and join the gang, wear designer clothes, go clubbing and do all the stuff that 'hip' people do for two reasons.
First, cash. Once upon a time, my dad used to earn quite alot, and we were almost what you consider upper middle income people. Not rich, but with enough cash to afford the little luxury here and there. But as fate would have it, my dad lost his job and untill today, we haven't crawl out of this financial problem yet. My dad is almost without an income and suddenly my brother and i were supposed to live on little amounts of money for months, barely enough. Safe to say, we are in trouble. I hate the feeling of helplessness, but that is how i feel. My dad used to go around big houses, looking at them, going to stores looking at very nice things that we all long to have and say "Some day when money is not a problem, we can buy that or... we can have...." That phrase i still remember, but the reality dawned upon me long ago that that 'some day' will never come. Nothing but dreams.
Secondly, i do not know if i am that sort of person. My friend said that if i changed my hair stle, learnt how to dress up and loose some weight (ok.. alot of weight).. i'd be quite an eligible fella. Well, thanks for the vote of confidence, but then again although i wish that i was indeed like that, more good looking and more fashionable, i am not. I have always just been myself and that is what i am. i could change, but i don't know if i am cut out to be that kind of person. To a certain extent, i do wish to be but i am happy with some things that i have.
I feel that i have been forced to grow up more quickly that the rest of my friends. I had to grow a conscience because in my family problems, my brother and i couldn't afford to be immature or week and foolish. I wished that at least i could be carefree, ignorant to the rational side like all other of my young adult friends, whom only later will start to think in a different way. As for me, the process can't be reversed and i wonder if i am missing some joys in life and that i am missing the oppotunity to make some mistakes in my life. They say, making mistakes make you learn. But what if you have learnt it without making the mistake? Is it really learning? Does the experience count?Once bitten twice shy. Are lessons learnt through experince better or that through a third party experince? Better to be told not to touch the fire and obey or doing it once and remembering in forever and well learnt?
Well, it look like after this, I'll absent for another week. I am going down to see my mother, which I have not done in I think almost a 6 months. Going back always seems to be difficult for me. Things have not entirely come to a closure in my family crisis. My mother is just hanging on alone there for the past 10 years, with no financial support and no job. I am always amazed at how she has survived. At the same time, I feel dreadful and guilty that we have let all this happen to her and continue to do so. My worst fear is that she will continue to live there till the end of her life, then it would be too late for us to do anything and regret it for the rest of ourlives.
Even Ma herself is scared that she would die alone. She told me that she cries when she thinks about the possibility that one day, she dies all alone in her house, and since she has no friends, no one will notice until her body starts to stink and the neighbours notice, then only people will find out she died. Even then, she will have no family to take care of her body immediately, When she told all these things to me, I was almost close to tears myself.
When I was little, I had a nightmare that I remember til today. I do not know why, but this nightmare had a great effect on me and I remember it till today. It was then that I first realize what mortality is and how we are all doomed to eternal darkness one day, which scared me out of my wits, till today it still does. It the nightmare, I was crying and I was shoveling dirt into a hole out in a open field during sunset. There were 2 holes there for me to cover, and suddenly I realized that I was digging and burying my dead mother and father(in the dream, i am stil about 7 years old). When I realized this, I started to cry uncontrollably and eventually woke up. After I woke up, I continued crying and went banging on my parents room door. I ran in and hugged my mother and cried shouting "Ma, I don't want to bury you!" my parents tried to comfort me but i didn't stop crying until much much later. It may not sound scary to you, but to me, it was the scariest thing a child could feel, feeling the fear of mortality , not of your own but of the person you love the most.
I am still haunted sometimes by the memory of that dream, although i never had that same dream again. When i look at my mother, i feel sad and helpless not being able to do something for her. I pray that one day, i will be able to do something for her and make her happy. i just hope when that time comes, it is not to late. I still remember her tapping me to sleep when i was small, and the way she would call me. i always tried to hide from her, sort of hide and seek and she would go around the house looking for me, but i only knew how to hide in a few places. Behind the door, in the closet, toilet,etc.. so i wasn't hard to find. I am ashamed thinking of a time when i was embarrased of my mother and tried to hide her from my friends. I hated that she was mentally ill and blamed her for it.
By going back, i hope to give her whatever company i can, and whatever joy i cant give, after she was robbed of seeing her children grow up. Ma, i love you, please forgive me and i pray it will not be too late for us to live happily together again one day.
Of Fat Cells N WomEn
It seems so easy to feel isolated from the world and lonely. I feel it sometimes, when i am walking on the street or sitting on a bus. There is noise and commotion all around me, but inside there is only silence. It’s hard to explain what this silence is only that I feel lonely and at a lost. I wonder how the people around me would react if I were suddenly gone one day. Not that I think nobody cares about me, only that I wished that I mean more to people than I do now. The world would still function without me, that I do not doubt. There are some people who never seem to run out of friends, and all their friends adore them and like them. They are the ones that seem to socialize effortlessly and have an endless supply of energy. They are always very charming, fun to be around and people are always happy being around them and laugh a lot.
I myself am very fond of friends like these. But while their star shines so brightly, it outshines the rest of us and make us all feel wanting, lacking in a certain area. I ask myself, “How come I can’t be more outgoing? Why am I not that fun a guy to be around?” You would have read the same questions in my previous blog. As you can see, it’s doing ‘wonders’ to my self esteem. I used to be quite confident of myself, trusting that I would not be judged by my looks. I would strike up conversations with guy or girl without worrying about what the person might think of me. I was confident (or ignorant) and was not concerned about being called ‘fatty’ or ‘squinty eyes’. I believed in myself and never shied away from meeting people. Although I have been fat since I was in Primary 3, I didn’t let my physical shortcomings get to me. I now wonder if I was being truly confident or just plain ignorant to things.
As I move up in age, I began to see that looks DO matter. People who dress smartly are taken more seriously, people who look fitter and are more outspoken are given better attention with better reviews. Those overweight and on the quiet side (if they are women) are labeled ‘pork chops’ or ‘Chuee Pha’. They guys are always made fun of. “Fatty, Fei chai (as I have been called) “and many other names. In the romance department, it’s always the ‘leng chai’ that get the girl and all the girls ogle over them, vice versa. So as you can see, my confidence came swirling down like a crashing plane, although I put up a brave face. Girls these days are much more demanding, always wanting either a hunk, a cad, a metrosexual, a macho man, a guy with a ‘hot body’ or a guy with a beemer! Although I am with someone right now, that thankfully loves me for who and what I am, I shiver at the thought of trying to find a suitable girl now with all these standards. I’d be half the time worrying if I am hunkier enough or dress nicely enough or well groomed enough. As you can see, it’s no longer a one way street in the dating game where the women always try to doll up for the men. These days, the men doll up more than the women!
I console myself, believing that there are still girls like my darling who can genuinely love a guy with neither cash nor car nor credit card nor condominium that come along with the package. But the more I see the wide wide world, the lesser consoled I am. A female friend said to me “I can’t stand it if my boyfriend doesn’t know how to dress up.” To me, that is a scary thought. I don’t know how to dress up.
I am not a good looking guy, not well built (overweighed in fact), have a weird face, I hate my neck and have a pot belly (that’s the worst part) and have cheek bones that are too high and squinty eyes!!!! So what is there left about me that can possible be attractive to the opposite sex? Answer = NOTHING. Charisma? Yeah right… charm? The only thing I could charm would be a toad. Humour? Sorry, the humour part of my brain was removed long time ago. A sex god in bed? …… yeah right, that will be the day. Confidence? Read the above paragraph. So you see, I’m left with pretty much nothing. Why my darling would find me attractive or worth her time, beats me, but I am honoured by her love. Well, I’m not sure what my point is, I can’t even write properly like I used to!
To wrap it up, I would like to say that, just like everyone else, I want to be someone else, or a better version of me. I long everyday to be more charming, confident, hunkier, blah blah blah… Life is a journey, not a destination. Enjoy the view while you can, but right now, the view isn’t so great.
So that’s it. If you read this (yes you), for goodness sake, please give a comment! And leave a contact! Thanx…
You are friendly, kind and caring
Sensitive, loyal and understanding
Humerous, fun, secure and true
Always there... yes that's you.
Special, accepting, exciting and wise
Truthful and helpful, with honest blue eyes
Confiding, forgiving, cheerful and bright
Yes that's you... not one bit of spite.
You're one of a kind, different from others
Generous, charming, but not one that smothers
Optimistic, thoughtful, happy and game
But not just another... in the long chain.
Appreciative, warm and precious like gold
Our friendship won't tarnish or ever grow old
You'll always be there, I know that is true
I'll always be here... always for you.
Amazingly, this poem was written by a friend of mine for me on Friendster. Honestly, i was very surprised and touched by what she wrote. I could hardly believe that it was written by my friend, who in secondary school always had a problem pronouncing the letter 'h' properly. Now she is studying TESL, going to become a teacher in the future.
Most of the things that she wrote, i can accept, except the part about the 'blue eyes'. Mind you, i don't have blue eyes!
But anyway, my point is, sometimes, i doubt if i am deserving of what she wrote, or rather, am i really all of those things that she wrote? Most of the people around me think that i am a reasonable pleasant guy, always being polite and very gentlemenlike. My friends look and me and say they can't imagine me doing 'bad' things like watching porn or speaking with fould words or do 'indicent' things. We all know what guys talk about when the girls are not around. When i'm there, they still do talk about those stuff, only i just get the feeling that they hold back somehow because they think it is not nice talking about it in front of me. After all, i am a 'clean' guy and wouldn't do or say such things.
I have tried telling people that i am not THAT good or innocent a guy but they just look at me, top to toe and say "You? No lar, u soo good." They all seem to say the same thing, that i am very proper. I ask myself, am i really so? Are we what people say we are, or what we perceive ourselves to be? It seems both are wrong anwers. If a person feels that he/she is a good person, but everyone else says other wise, then your feelings aren't excatly right. On the other hand, a person that knows that he isn't as good as people think him to be, but they just keep insisting so, then what? This is the dilemma that i face sometimes.
I have tried judging myself objectively, but it seems very difficult. Everyone at some point wishes to be some othe way, or a better version of themselves. I too have this desire. People form perceptions of me from the things that i say and do. Maybe because all my life, i have very seldom or have totally not done anything extreme or out of the norm. A sanguine would have an emotional graph going up and down drastically. A melancholy would have the same alternating graph, only more squarish. But for me, it's a straight line. I always seem to react moderately to many things with very few exceptions. Its as if i am heartless. It doesn't feel like a volcano of emotions, if you know what i mean.
I know the thoughts that go through my head, and they aren't excatly for public knowledge, if you know what i mean. People are set on believing that i am incapable of thoughts like that and the only things that i do think about and am open about are decent things. How wrong of them. That's why people talk differently with me sometimes(at least i think so). When i am one on one with another person, it's always serious, even when the person is originally a very playful person. It like they feel obliged to act 'properly' around me, kind of like when you are with someones parents. I know its the feeling that people get around me. What they don't realise is that actually, i enjoy their bubbliness and playfullness. I am already a serius person by nature, and it's actually pleasant, refreshing and a relief to be around people who don't take things that seriously. It's an antidote.
I am also not excatly innocent in nature, having my fair share of indecent and naughty thoughts. The problem is, they hardly or never leave my mouth. Therefore, people just can't imagine me being like that, when in fact i am! I AM NOT A GOOD PERSON! At least, not as good as you think i am. Signing off.
"Sungai yang tenang, jangan disangka tiada buaya, Diam-diam ubi berisi"
If you get what i mean
Making a comeback
After what seems like an eternity of self imposed exile from blogging, i am finally here again. Glad to say, the exams are over and i survived it (something i didn't expect to do). But here i am again and irony has set in. Before, i wished that i had more time to just fool around and not worry about anything, every day saw surely filled with things that i had to do. Today, i have absolutely nothing to do and i feel empty and hollow inside. Ironic? I'm happy to be free but overwhelmed by the vastness of nothingness.
Needless to say, alot has happened since before the exam. I now have to decide when to go down to see my mother. i dread it everytime i have to go down there. It's not my mother that is the problem, rather it's the people and the place that bring back memories of the past that i rather not remember. But i do want to see my mother, wanting to see her than not seeing her and possibly regreting it for the rest of my life. My brother is even worst off. He can't stand the thought of going back. He probably dreads it more than i do. It's hard to believe that it has been this many years and we are all grown up. My father used to worry if we were going to make it if anything happened to them, but now that we are older, he isn't that worried.
Alot of things are on my mind now, but i can't seem to find words to describe them. i am still worried about money, flat broke. I don't think i did well in my exams and i'm just feeling rather empty, not sure why. Everything seems right and ok but at the same time, something is missing.....
I read in The Star a few weeks back people arguing about blogging and it's effects, bad or good. From what i read, teenagers seem to defend blogging as their right. A parent that wrote in to complain about how her blog friends encouraged her to just express whatevery he/she felt against her parents and that her parents were totally unreasonable. Other teens replied to the bulletin by futher supporting the kid! Saying that parents are unreasonable and that the blog is merely a tool to express their frustrations. Very well said. But i felt that those very statements that they have made have proven again why parents just do not exhibit trust to their children. The children do not exhibit any sense of maturity or ability to be considerate of the feelings of all, rather than just their own. Teens are a selfish bunch, IN GENERAl. There are some great teens, whom i'm sure will turn out into great people, but there are a lot of those jerks that seem so self centred and try to act in a mature and enlightened way.
You can't hide your character, and these people who try to do so by acting in a snobbish manner thinking that they are mature enough only emphasize their flaws all the more. I could go on and on about the good and bad of us young adults, but i have to stop here. Everyone, regardless of age possses a certain level of maturity. This maturity is everyones own personal journey. It would be unfair to expect people to live up to our expextations. Some may have gone a long way and are rather mature, underneath the exterior. Some have not gone through much and the exterior does not reflect on the inside.
Well, i'm at a blur right now. I find a certain comfort in writting blogs like this. No one will read this and anyone can read it. It gives me a sense of everything and nothing at the same time. I'll blog another time. Meanwhile, i'm signing off.
