Forthnights

Well, it look like after this, I'll absent for another week. I am going down to see my mother, which I have not done in I think almost a 6 months. Going back always seems to be difficult for me. Things have not entirely come to a closure in my family crisis. My mother is just hanging on alone there for the past 10 years, with no financial support and no job. I am always amazed at how she has survived. At the same time, I feel dreadful and guilty that we have let all this happen to her and continue to do so. My worst fear is that she will continue to live there till the end of her life, then it would be too late for us to do anything and regret it for the rest of ourlives.
Even Ma herself is scared that she would die alone. She told me that she cries when she thinks about the possibility that one day, she dies all alone in her house, and since she has no friends, no one will notice until her body starts to stink and the neighbours notice, then only people will find out she died. Even then, she will have no family to take care of her body immediately, When she told all these things to me, I was almost close to tears myself.
When I was little, I had a nightmare that I remember til today. I do not know why, but this nightmare had a great effect on me and I remember it till today. It was then that I first realize what mortality is and how we are all doomed to eternal darkness one day, which scared me out of my wits, till today it still does. It the nightmare, I was crying and I was shoveling dirt into a hole out in a open field during sunset. There were 2 holes there for me to cover, and suddenly I realized that I was digging and burying my dead mother and father(in the dream, i am stil about 7 years old). When I realized this, I started to cry uncontrollably and eventually woke up. After I woke up, I continued crying and went banging on my parents room door. I ran in and hugged my mother and cried shouting "Ma, I don't want to bury you!" my parents tried to comfort me but i didn't stop crying until much much later. It may not sound scary to you, but to me, it was the scariest thing a child could feel, feeling the fear of mortality , not of your own but of the person you love the most.
I am still haunted sometimes by the memory of that dream, although i never had that same dream again. When i look at my mother, i feel sad and helpless not being able to do something for her. I pray that one day, i will be able to do something for her and make her happy. i just hope when that time comes, it is not to late. I still remember her tapping me to sleep when i was small, and the way she would call me. i always tried to hide from her, sort of hide and seek and she would go around the house looking for me, but i only knew how to hide in a few places. Behind the door, in the closet, toilet,etc.. so i wasn't hard to find. I am ashamed thinking of a time when i was embarrased of my mother and tried to hide her from my friends. I hated that she was mentally ill and blamed her for it.

By going back, i hope to give her whatever company i can, and whatever joy i cant give, after she was robbed of seeing her children grow up. Ma, i love you, please forgive me and i pray it will not be too late for us to live happily together again one day.

posted by Compulsive Blogger @ 11:09 pm Comments: 0