Forthnights

Conflicting Harmony

It's another week more to exams, i have a giant pile of work to memorize and loads of concepts, theories and formulas to understand, remember, apply and utilize in order to even hope of passing my exams. Needless to say, im in deep shit. But then, i have also spent my time watching TV, going online and doing all sorts of nonsense. I'm not sure how i'll do or if i have enough time to study. I'll just do as much as i can and let what may happen happen.

It's very interesting when you get to see what others think of you. I'm not really sure how some people form their perceptions of me, but they all seem to be consistent. I read all about what people write about others, and it seems that most people always think the same way about another person. All the testimonies have words in common, imply on the same thing and basically confirms what the person is like. Reading what people write of me is both flattering and scary. Flattering because people seem to say very nice and wonderful things about you, and somehow you feel honoured that they think so and so about you. Scary because some of the things said might not be how you feel about yourself and you start to wonder if in front of friends, you are not being yourself and that some of it are all just play acting. When i say 'you' , i really mean 'me'.

But then, i dont feel that i'm acting out a role, maybe it's just another sode of that comes out when i'm with people. Yet i always wonder if people feel comfortable around me, whether they feel free to be themselves and not need to act in a certain way just not to offend me.

My dad has lost his job in Singapore and were are without an income. My funds have depleted and i have overspent what was supposed to be my fees for next sem. I'm not sure how things are going to work out and i;m not sure if we are able to cope. we have veru limited options and are running into difficult times. I pray and hope that all will be well and that everything will be ok.

My heart is disturbed and i'm not at ease, always troubled by this issue. Sometimes, just feel like living in denial but then o cant really pretend to not feel anything. I am very happy with my life yet i am troubled by all the problems involving money, or rather the lack of it.

As you can see, i'm not really focused right now. Half feeling motivated to study hard and the other feeling totally at a lost about my studies as well as this financial issue. I hope that something will happen that will help us, but that is just a dream.

On one hand, i feel that things wil turn out eventually and that all will be ok, as things always do. But then i am feel with doubt about this confidence that i have. i dont really know for a fact that it will be ok, its just a feeling, therefore i'm filled with doubt and constant;y think about it. I feel both a conflict and a harmony inside of me about it and a great many i other things. One telling me that everyhing will be ok, don'y think its the end of the world, the other telling me that i am in a very deep and difficuly situation and that measures are not taken, i'm goin to be in trouble.

posted by Compulsive Blogger @ 6:30 pm Comments: 0