Mr Pathetic
well, im probably the most pathetic person on frienster. i mean, i have like 16 friends. and the rest of my friends have like a million friends! So what does this mean? What does the data tell me? lets see :1. I am a a social outcast that has very little friends and virtually no social life, resulting in my frienster list being as short as hell..
2. I am an uninteresting and extremely boring person, consequence of which no new person is willing to add me as their friend.
3. I dont have online access and it is difficult to constantly be on friendster therefore making my online life so mundane...
4. I am just too busy and have no time to engage in pathetic on line friendship websites to meet new people, instead concentrating on the real worl d and with the people i interact with......yeah right.. as if... hehehe...
5. ....
My friend said to me "Cheng, your friendster is so pathetic." i cant really put up any more reasons coz i honestly dont kno0w y! i dont know y others seem to have absolyutely no problem making friends and having buddies while i constantly struggle to do the same. I look at some of my friends and wonder how they do it. many of my old friends have moved on in their lives, having made new friends. but i am still stuck at the same spot, with only a handful i can call friends. Other older friends that i really want to keep it touch with, seem so far away..
My perception of myself is that of a boring, serious person with a disability in humour. I long for the day that i am able to talk and joke with ease with people and they will say "you know, Euhann in a really fun guy to be with!" But i know that thats really unlikely. afterall, i have never been that kind of person and i think that it would be very out of place for me to do that.. i have never really talk about this issue with anyone, except my darling. She tells me that in fact i dont have a problem making friends.
but looking at my pool of friends, i find that indeed its a very small pool and i am scratching my head thinking why is it that i am feeling like an outcast and why i dont have as many friends that i can chat and confide with. Sometimes, i am a mistery to myself. I want friends yet, sometimes i go into solitude, prefering to take comfort in the quiet sound of loneliness. I attempt to get close to people, but i hesitate to share intimate thoughts or things about my past, fearing that i would be judged and considered not worthy. I want to be outgoing and fun, but i instead stay serious and rarely go crazy, always making sure that i am controled and measured. I am not trying to be that which i am not. but i just wonder why am like that.
Thinking about my past and my childhood, i wonder if what happened in my family has made me like that. In some ways, im happy that i went through those dificult times, making me stronger and wiser as a person. But i wonder also if they have not made me grow up to fast or perhaps deprived me of something that might have made me a totally different person. Which brings me to my friends. Looking at the number of m friends, one might suggest that its the qualit not the quantity that matters. but even that i feel lack in some of my prime friendships. I wonder about just how much people consider me their friend and just how close am i to them. Maybe its this thought that holds me back.
I always fear that people do not feel close to me yet i blindly assume that our frienship is tight and close, making a complete fool out of myself and putting the person in a tight spot. Good friendships are hard to come by and some that i have cherished have become distant. some have changed alot, some say i have changed. Some people that i want to form good frienships with dont seem interested.
At the end, here i am, talking to a computer, typing my heart out. Again finding comfort in talking to an imaginary friend that if was real, i would have said all that you have read... however, i am grateful for the things that i have and the precious few people that i have in my life. Still, i feel a big piece of the pie that make up my life, must be filled by frienship..
posted by Compulsive Blogger @ 3:24 pm
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