Forthnights

self imposed break

Even now as i type this, i am not where i'm supposed to be. For the past 3 days, i have been on a seft imposed break. Many things have gone down then up again, a very challenging roller coaster rided. I have no doubt that the emotions that i have gone through these few days are one of the most difficult to bear in my young and relatively untested life. I have just gone from your averaged guy to a possible screw up of all time.

The things that i have been indulging in for the past few years might have finally had its payback. Somehow, at the start, i never thought that indulging would have caused this to happened. I always told myself, it would never happen to me. I am a careful person and i know what i am doing. Therefore, i excluded myself from the possibily of ever getting in trouble for my actions. I thought that if i was careful enough, i would be in trouble. How wrong was i.

Come to think o fitm the warning signs have been there for as long as i can see, yet i ignored it. And when it really happened, i became the bad guy and shamelessly reversed what was about to happen, and in doing so, i hurt the person that i love most and wanted to protect from harm. Trust was lost, confidence broken and hearts were aching so badly that we never thought we would get over it. I swore to myself that i would never let something like this happen again. My role was to bring happiness and hope to my loved one, instead i had broken my promise and her heart. Even till today, her heart still aches about what happened. I had lost all my self respect and i tolf myself never to allow my darling to have to face this again.

But as my foolishness and ignorance proved me wrong, it happened again last week. Things were fine, when suddenly we were alerted. It has happened again. i was devastated. How could it have happened again? We did everything we could to prevent it. Or did we? I was so shocked and terrified. this having been my worst fear for a long long time. Now that this has happened the second time, would i be man enough to do the right thing? I was so graciously given a second chance by my darling, and now, we are in the same position again. I promised that i would do the right thing, but no. i shamelessly repeated what i did the last time.

I hid under the cover of saying that what i have decided is the better thing to do, even though it isnt the right thing to do. My darling fought this time, not submitting like the last time. She was right and there was nothing much i could do. I still contionue to pressure her and again tears flowed and tempers flared. But mist importantly, the truth came out.

Now, it was obvious to me, how much of a 'good' person i am, and just how much morale i have, and i can say, it aint a alot. i have seen myself for what i truely am. The worst of situatuons brought out the worst in me. the people around me think highly of me. they think that i am an honest and good man,always polite and open. but i know better. what i have seen of myself has told me that i am in fact not a worthy person.

And yet, despite of my shortcomings and heartlessness, my darling was still willing to acceot me. How ironic and shameful for me, that all these while i have been more critical of her character that she ever was of me.i had spent the last three days, thinking about what to do. I had lost all hope, my darling still loved me very much, but was unwilling to go along with the great sin that i so deseprately wanted. I knew that my life and hers were ruined. I was thinking about how i would break the news to everyone. How dissapointed and how much sadness and anger that they would feel being deceived and lied to all these while.

And at my lowest point in life emotionally, my darling comes and breaks the good news to me.God had answered our prayer. Or rather He was merciful enough to not let it be true. I was just shocked beyond belief. In three days, i have gone down and up again, in such a dramatic and tourturing way. but now, i come to see just how much we love each other. the worst had been brought out in me, but i had seen the best of my darling, and just how powerful the emotion every one ties up with the word love means.


i am grateful that i have found,,recogised and seen love in motion. I could never have forgiven myself if i did let go of the love that i have found.



dissclaimer: Any one reading these, if you are confused, or if u think what i wrote is vague, good. Its meant to be that way. IF you want to understand, tell me, i'll gladly explain...

posted by Compulsive Blogger @ 3:58 pm Comments: 0