The Forbidden M Word....
I have been trying for the longest time now to avoid blogging or even thinking about this matter, but I think it's high time I made this confession:
I'm terrified of the idea of getting married....
So terrified that I don't even know how to blog about it. I'm not sure if I feel more afraid, exasperated or cautious when talking about it.I'm only a 23 year old guy! I've graduated barely a year ago! I have a lot of debts! I don't have any money! I snore at night! I'M NOT READY!!!!
Ahem.. ahem.. OK.. Sorry for the nervous breakdown. I used to watch dramas on TV where the nosy uncles and aunties liked to ask young adults what their plans for marriage are.. and they always try to avoid the questions or brush it aside. Well... I now know first hand what its all about. Why do they keep asking me these questions? Why do they have to know when i intend to get married? Its ME (not) getting married right? Marriage is frankly the last thing on my mind.. but it seems to be the first on everyone else's.
my father and brother have asked me...my cousins have asked me.. my uncles and aunties have ask me.. her aunt and uncle have asked me.... even my boss has asked me..of course SHE has asked me. I have given an answer to none of them..
The way everyone looks at it is.. We've been together an awful long time (6 years now - since high school).. we get along great.. we are very steady... we support and love each other....we make each other laugh.. we are both working adults now... and all that is left is for me to pop the question and for her to say yes...
If only I could just feel the same way.
The first problem is of course money. Everyone knows getting married is an industry of its own. Wedding gowns.. wedding flowers.. photographers.. wedding planning.. church service, invitation cards, dinner, reception, drinks.. food.. everything cost money. And we aren't even talking about a honeymoon yet. Who's going to pay for all these things? I know my girlfriend is trying to save very hard.. anticipating all these expenses. Of course, everyone says marriage is something between 2 people.. but that's just the marriage.. no one said anything about the wedding.. and there are closely observed traditions in weddings. You don't own your wedding.. your relatives and friends do. The food and the dinner is meant for them. I shudder at the thought of spending 10~20 a night on food everyone will complain about and drinks no one will finish. My boss had a good idea.. Write in your wedding invitation that gifts are not allowed... cash only.. That way you will cover your cost and even make a small profit. But of course, it is my BOSS talking. "Isn't that rude?" I asked. "Yes it is." he frankly answers, looking at me trying to tell me..."But why should you care?"
They all tell me "Aya.. just do a small modest dinner la.. When my husband and I got married.. we only had 2 tables and 20 people and that was it..." And that looked like sound advise.... But what do I tell to the other 50 people who have repeatedly told me "Next time you get married.. must invite me ah!" I COULD do that and go for a very small dinner etc and probably keep the cost managable.. but what kind of message will that be sending her relatives? If you want to marry someone's daughter, you better show respect and at least give them a respectable reception right? What kind of guy is she marrying if he can't even afford a proper wedding dinner? More importantly... what about HER? Isn't it every little girls dream to have a nice beautiful wedding? Am I destined to rob her of her childhood dream?
But that's just the wedding part... which will be over within days. Then there's the part about going for a honeymoon.. then getting a house.. then eventually have kids.... I will truthfully tell you that these things frighten me. And though I know these things will come only in years ahead.... they still feel too fast for me. I still can't even decide if I'm ready to get married.. let alone about buying a house or having kids.....
Is she the one for me? In the deepest and darkest corners of my mind... I do wonder how it would be if I was with someone else. The grass always seem greener on the other side.... and my mind wonders... how would it be like if I was with that someone else? I know I shouldnt not be having all these thoughts.. because in reality I am very happy being with the person that I am.... But the thought lingers... and though I know I risk going down a very very dangerous line of thought... it persists. Its absurd, crazy and completely far fetch to even think of such possibilities..... but I catch myself still thinking. What if I was with someone else?.....
It's then that I know I am not ready. It is then that I know there remains something inside of me that is unsettled. An undivided heart will not be wondering such things...... and I am forced to confront my own true feelings because even as I write this, I know I am not being completely honest with myself about how I feel about some people. I feel that somehow, all these doubts and thoughts must first be cleared and my heart settled before I can give her, others and even myself a truthful answer to the questions they have been asking me. How can I go around talking to everyone about my marriage plans if I can't even convince myself?
Sigh.... Life seemed so much simpler when you were 16... and the hardest thing you had to do was ask a girl out on a date.
Rewarding Words
"My main reason of writing this is to thank you.. am really grateful of meeting u as a friend.. uve really made an impact in my life eventhough u might not noe how much u had.. thank you once again....."
How do you react when you someone says something like that to you?
I was completely speechless.... But that was OK, since it was in an e-mail anyway. I tried replying to that e-mail immediately, but found that I didn't quite know what I should reply. Should I go all serious and say thank you? Or go typical Malaysian style and say "No la... where got." Actually, only 8 words from the entire letter stumped me... "uve really made an impact in my life" .... that really got me.
What's all this about you might be wondering? What exactly did I do that has made such an impact in this persons life? Well, I was kind of wondering the same thing too, because I really didn't do anything per se that affected her (yes it's a her)... what I do recall doing was just talking and chatting a lot and encouraging her to be more comfortable in her own skin. She used to mind a lot on what others thought of her.. maybe too much so... and she would often overwrite her own opinions with that of her friends and those around her that she started wondering if there was something wrong with her and the way she thinks. So I did try to encourage her to believe in herself, be confident, but most importantly have conviction in what you belief in.
I did eventually reply that e-mail...... I told her
No.1. "No la.. where go" in true Malaysian spirit. ...
No.2 Her growth as a person this 1 year was due to her own strength, not my so called 'counselling'.
No.3 If I knew she was taking my words so seriously, I would have been more careful with what I said!...
Just to share, that e-mail pretty much made my day... and perhaps the week. It lifted my spirits in a way I couldn't explain. Not that I was trying to take credit and act as if I was some sort of important person... but it just feels good when someone comes up and tells you that you made a difference in their life... that in the course of your life..,you did things that not only benefited you... but also another person. I don't know how many people get to hear someone else say that to them... and if so.. how often do they get it.... But for me, this was the first time in my life a friend has come up to me and said such things.... and I tell you.. I really felt happy inside.. not the gloating 'see how good I am' kind of happy... but a genuine joy that all the things I said and did made a positive impact on her.
Knowing my background and family issues, she often asked me how I managed to stay so positive in the face of such challenging and difficult experiences. She said it amazed her how I have managed to be the person I am given the circumstances. In her experience, people who come from broken homes usually are problematic or dysfunctional in some way. On the contrary, here I was from a problem home, giving her from an intact family, advise on how to live life.
Sometimes, I wonder the same thing.... and ask myself how come I not out partying late nights... experimenting with drugs.. getting my nose pierced and complaining that life is not fair. Till today, I still can't understand just what made me the person I am today. Sometimes I think my bad experiences taught me a lot, and I was forced to grow up very quickly and be mature about things. Other times I think that it was God who guided me and made sure I didn't go wrong. I still haven't made up my mind which it is.
I dared not even share / relate that to anyone around me, because I was afraid that if it came out wrong, it would seem like I was bragging and showing off...... But deep in my heart, I did feel pleased. In that same e-mail, she told me that as thankful as she was to me, she sometimes felt that I gave too much of myself to others, even to the extent of taking too much away from myself. Was I being too selfless.. or downright foolish? I told her I did feel that way sometimes..... But as compensation... I get an e-mail like that from people like her! I get the privilege of being at the receiving end of words like "uve really made an impact in my life eventhough u might not noe how much u had.. thank you once again....."
I don't think there are many things in life that can top just how rewarding it is to hear those words.
Disgusting Shopper!
Here's something that will really make you think twice the next time you want to buy pre-cooked food from your friendly supermarket.
It was one of those days after work. My friend and I were at the nearby supermarket trying to buy some things to eat. Having worked till very late, we hadn't had our dinner. We were at the bakery and ready cooked food section. My friend was in the mood for some roast chicken, while I was more in the mood for the fried stuff. But seeing how I just recovered from an upset stomach, I couldnt make up my mind if I should be eating oily foods again. So I lingered around before making up my mind.
The HE came along. Some foreign national, Indian or Turkish or something, carrying his grocery basket. Initially, I thought nothing of him. But then I spotted something that totally put me off; he was touching the fried chicken with his fingers, as if trying to test if they were still warm! An alarm went of it my head, and in my mind, I was screaming "Hello, some OTHER people might actually want to eat that! People like ME! Get your dirty fingers away!" I was just standing across, and just stared at him for a full 10 seconds, though he seemed oblivious of me. I was fuming! How can you touch these food with your bare hands? Especially when you haven't actually bought them. I thought I had seen the most disgusting and appetite robbing act of the day when the next act nearly made my eyeball pop out and jaw drop to the ground.
HE, meaning this mangy suspicious suicide bomber look-a-like man, actually started using his fingers to pinch at the meat! Oh My GOD! With one hand holding the basket, he was using 2 fingers, trying to pinch at the crisp while appearing casual. He then proceeds to put it in his mouth and quietly chew with him mouth close. I was lost and stared at the whole situation in disbelief. So much for having THAT for dinner! My first impulse was to run up to him and catch him red handed... but instead ended up running to my friend and sharing the disgusting episode and point the man out to him.
Worst part of it was he didn't do it once, but repeatedly! Go by yourself some proper dinner man! The next impulse I had was to put up a big sign next to the chicken with the words "CONTAMINATED : Pinched by dirty fingers". That was before I then spotted him in the dry foods section, snacking away at the 'keropok' and other dried crackers.... Aaaargh... By then, I just felt tempted to point a finger at him and shout "You keropok stealing, chicken pinching food contaminator cheapskate! People might actually want to eat that you know!"
Sigh... Alas I was too disgusted and lost for words to say anything. But it made me think twice before ever buying ready cooked food not displayed behind a glass partition or neatly wrapped. I just hope no one bought that piece!
