The Forbidden M Word....
I have been trying for the longest time now to avoid blogging or even thinking about this matter, but I think it's high time I made this confession:
I'm terrified of the idea of getting married....
So terrified that I don't even know how to blog about it. I'm not sure if I feel more afraid, exasperated or cautious when talking about it.I'm only a 23 year old guy! I've graduated barely a year ago! I have a lot of debts! I don't have any money! I snore at night! I'M NOT READY!!!!
Ahem.. ahem.. OK.. Sorry for the nervous breakdown. I used to watch dramas on TV where the nosy uncles and aunties liked to ask young adults what their plans for marriage are.. and they always try to avoid the questions or brush it aside. Well... I now know first hand what its all about. Why do they keep asking me these questions? Why do they have to know when i intend to get married? Its ME (not) getting married right? Marriage is frankly the last thing on my mind.. but it seems to be the first on everyone else's.
my father and brother have asked me...my cousins have asked me.. my uncles and aunties have ask me.. her aunt and uncle have asked me.... even my boss has asked me..of course SHE has asked me. I have given an answer to none of them..
The way everyone looks at it is.. We've been together an awful long time (6 years now - since high school).. we get along great.. we are very steady... we support and love each other....we make each other laugh.. we are both working adults now... and all that is left is for me to pop the question and for her to say yes...
If only I could just feel the same way.
The first problem is of course money. Everyone knows getting married is an industry of its own. Wedding gowns.. wedding flowers.. photographers.. wedding planning.. church service, invitation cards, dinner, reception, drinks.. food.. everything cost money. And we aren't even talking about a honeymoon yet. Who's going to pay for all these things? I know my girlfriend is trying to save very hard.. anticipating all these expenses. Of course, everyone says marriage is something between 2 people.. but that's just the marriage.. no one said anything about the wedding.. and there are closely observed traditions in weddings. You don't own your wedding.. your relatives and friends do. The food and the dinner is meant for them. I shudder at the thought of spending 10~20 a night on food everyone will complain about and drinks no one will finish. My boss had a good idea.. Write in your wedding invitation that gifts are not allowed... cash only.. That way you will cover your cost and even make a small profit. But of course, it is my BOSS talking. "Isn't that rude?" I asked. "Yes it is." he frankly answers, looking at me trying to tell me..."But why should you care?"
They all tell me "Aya.. just do a small modest dinner la.. When my husband and I got married.. we only had 2 tables and 20 people and that was it..." And that looked like sound advise.... But what do I tell to the other 50 people who have repeatedly told me "Next time you get married.. must invite me ah!" I COULD do that and go for a very small dinner etc and probably keep the cost managable.. but what kind of message will that be sending her relatives? If you want to marry someone's daughter, you better show respect and at least give them a respectable reception right? What kind of guy is she marrying if he can't even afford a proper wedding dinner? More importantly... what about HER? Isn't it every little girls dream to have a nice beautiful wedding? Am I destined to rob her of her childhood dream?
But that's just the wedding part... which will be over within days. Then there's the part about going for a honeymoon.. then getting a house.. then eventually have kids.... I will truthfully tell you that these things frighten me. And though I know these things will come only in years ahead.... they still feel too fast for me. I still can't even decide if I'm ready to get married.. let alone about buying a house or having kids.....
Is she the one for me? In the deepest and darkest corners of my mind... I do wonder how it would be if I was with someone else. The grass always seem greener on the other side.... and my mind wonders... how would it be like if I was with that someone else? I know I shouldnt not be having all these thoughts.. because in reality I am very happy being with the person that I am.... But the thought lingers... and though I know I risk going down a very very dangerous line of thought... it persists. Its absurd, crazy and completely far fetch to even think of such possibilities..... but I catch myself still thinking. What if I was with someone else?.....
It's then that I know I am not ready. It is then that I know there remains something inside of me that is unsettled. An undivided heart will not be wondering such things...... and I am forced to confront my own true feelings because even as I write this, I know I am not being completely honest with myself about how I feel about some people. I feel that somehow, all these doubts and thoughts must first be cleared and my heart settled before I can give her, others and even myself a truthful answer to the questions they have been asking me. How can I go around talking to everyone about my marriage plans if I can't even convince myself?
Sigh.... Life seemed so much simpler when you were 16... and the hardest thing you had to do was ask a girl out on a date.
posted by Compulsive Blogger @ 8:32 pm
Comments: 1
