Forthnights

Which would you save?

Some years ago, I was asked this question; If you were at a river, and your wife and your mother are both drowning, who would you save?

The question really stumped me. How are you to choose between the two most important women in your life? One your mother, the other the mother of your children.

What do you do when it looks like choosing one would mean forsaking the other? This is something I suddenly have to ask myself.

My mother came back, 2 weeks after my last post. Again, I put her up in my house. This time, I was hoping for a week. She came down to make her identification card and perhaps try to renew her bank books. But her emotions are no better than 2 weeks ago, though she is slightly less combative. She has become somewhat agreeable to stay with us again, though we never know when this might change again. My girlfriend has been keeping her silence and her distance ever since she came to stay with us, and all she does is ask me when she will be staying until.

I confess myself feeling hurt. I said point blank to her that while she was concerned about keeping her house in order, since my mother tends to mess things up, I am concerned about keeping my mother off the streets. I wanted to scold her and shout at her at how selfish she is being, but she already knew it. I respect that my problems are not theirs to bear. It is not fair to ask her brother and her to face the problems I face. But deep down, i wished that she would have embraced what I face and be there by my side, instead of retreat, sulk and ask me when it is about to be over. It feels as if my mother is more a nuisance to her and a cause of stress. It is a stress for me also, but its a burden I carry and suffer in the name of love. And though I pay half the rental of the place, it is still essentially her place, since she is the Principal tenant. She is caught between pleasing me and putting up with my mother. I am caught between trying to house my mother and pleasing her. Even now, she maintains her proud and arrogant face to my mother, and suddenly it is my mother who has to submit to her will.

For all that she is, for as much as she loves me, my girlfriend cannot accept my mother, and even after all these years she seems no closer in making any effort to win my family's acceptance. She blames it on them, saying that they are biased against her and could never accept her in the first place. My family is not big, and the only people she really needed to win over was my father, my brother and most importantly, my mother. But even in that, she has failed to win even one.

Maybe its just because of who she is; proud and strong headed, she refuses to take on the role of the humble and eager to please new comer to the family. And perhaps she rubbed my brother and father the wrong way, but they both ended up not really liking her, though they never said it out lout of of respect to me. In retaliation, she showed her mutual dislike for them.

My mother is bitter. She asks me why she cannot stay now with me, when in the past 4 years, my girlfriend stayed with me in my house free of charge. In a way, I feel so disappointed. Even since leaving secondary school, my girlfriend has been living with me. She had no place to go, and no place to stay. I pleaded with my brother for her to stay with her, and he agreed. And though eventually, the 2 of them never got along, not once did my brother ask her to leave. And now, when my mother needs a place to stay, she is more concerned about keeping the peace in her house. Grace is something that can only be given out freely. I cannot ask her to do it for my sake, because it would beat the point. In my heart, I wished that for all that she says she loves me, she could someone learn to love my family too, especially mother.

But sadly, it has not come to that, and though she says she loves me, she has no sense of attachment or responsibility to my mother and her welfare. I wished that she would see my mother as her own, the way I treat her brother like my own. But she has not.  After 6 years of being together, she has asked me numerous times about marriage, though I always brush it aside and tell her we are too young. She gets angry at me, saying I have a problem with commitment. I don't. I know exactly what I am doing. I told her to let my actions speak louder than my words. But what about her? My mother has been here 3 days, and already she tells me that perhaps I should find someone else who would love my mother more that she could, since she cannot bring herself to do it. She senses the conflict I face. She knows that somehow she needs to build a positive relationship with my mother, and eventually my family. But she does not rise to the occasion. Instead she retreats and tells me that perhaps I should look for someone else more worthy, who would be willing to love and care for my mother.  What does that tell me? It tells me she wants me, but not my problems. She just wants the person, not the access baggage. Where is the selfless love? Where is the what-is-yours-is-also-mine belief? Or does that only apply to good things?

I don't blame her. I am just sad. This is my life. This is my problems. For all the trouble she has given me, she is still my mother, and I cannot and will not abandon her. I will do my best to love her and care for her until the day God takes her away from me. I hate the position I am in. It breaks my heart knowing that my girlfriend puts her own heart before my mothers. Isn't there something in marriage vows about for better or for worse, in sickness and health, through good and bad times? How can I marry a person who does not willingly share in my problems? Who sees my mother as a hindrance towards a happy marriage with me rather than a part of the deal? Is this a normal mother-in-law daughter-in-law dispute? My heart tells me it is not.

I used to be so sure about her. I never told her, I never said it to her, though I made it plain in every other way without having to actually say it,  that I was willing to spend the rest of my life with her. But now I am not so sure any more. She tells me I should be with someone else more willing to shoulder this burden with. Sometimes I think maybe she is right. Other times, I think it would be simpler if I didnt have anyone else. That way, my heart would not be sawed in two like it is now.

posted by Compulsive Blogger @ 10:18 am Comments: 1