Real Life Nightmares....
What would be the right thing to do if you knew your mother was out on the streets?
What would you do if you get a call from someone telling you of rumours that your mother has been roaming around town looking all ragged and dirty?
That is exactly the question I face now. Should we try to go down and get her? How? Where do we find her? How do we even know where to begin? We do know she is in town, but the town is not that small, and just driving around hoping to stumble upon her does not seem a good idea.
A visiting friend from overseas asked me the other day how my mother was. I was caught off guard. Usually, no one asks me questions like this. Maybe its because I hardly bring the matter up, maybe its because people think I dont like talking about. Maybe I dont bring it up because I dont like talking about it...How was I to answer? This was a visiting friend, and the question was one of casual concern, not a heart to heart session. I decided to go for the truth.
I told her my mom is not doing too well. She has been living on her own, God knows where and how, but only that she is up north in my home town. She has been refusing medication, and is now entirely on her own, taking medication at her own will. She gives my brother and I a call once in a while to ask how we are, but we get little chance of talking to her since the conversations never last more than a minute. Then one day my aunt calls; her own sister. She tells us that people have been telling her her sister has been walking around town talking to herself, looking dirty and homeless, fighting people and refusing any help offered. Why she calls now and not sooner beats me. It seems to me she calls because she is concerned about keeping face. She called not to ask what we can do to solve this together, but that my brother and I quickly take action on the matter. Some family we have there.
It breaks the heart. What are you to do anyway? Despite talking repeatedly over the phone, we failed to come to a clear answer. I told my friend honestly that we have tried whatever means we thought would be best for her; we tried letting her stay on her own, but she went into terrible relapses and almost died; we tried staying with her thinking our presence would somehow help, she ended up running away, calling us her abusers; we tried sending her to a Shelter home; but it drove us broke and she accused us of locking her up in jail. What more can we do? For the past 2 yeas she has run away no less than 6 times. She fights with everyone and anyone who gets close to her and tries to help her, including her own two sons. She starts calling my friends, telling them not to allow me to be baptised; a bizarre thing to do since she herself is a baptised Christian. She refuses to stay in the house when visiting and instead decided to stay in the park for two nights, resulting in her bags being stolen.
I was being honest, perhaps too much so with my friend, who seemed instantly lost for words, struggling to find some comforting words for me. But its OK, I have never been the type to hope for sympathy from others. But I appreciated the concern none the less.
Ever since starting work, I have been so immersed and wrapped around it that I have had time for little else. Gone were the days where I could sit behind the computer for hours while some blog is brewing in my mind. I hardly have time for myself. Whats worse, I hardly have time for my mother anymore. What is stopping me from driving up north and trying to help my mother? My job and my commitment towards it.
i dont know if I am lying to myself in thinking that driving up would not make much difference. Even if I do drive up and meet her, what am I to do? What is the right thing to do? Admit her? How? Create a scene, strap her down, tie her up and drag her to the mental hospital like some deraged mental case? Can you call that her right thing to do? Or do we continue to respect her free will and action and allow her to do as she pleases? In respecting her actions and will, we preserve her dignity and respect, but at what cause? Would that be there 'righter' thing to do?
Just a few days ago, I had a nightmare of sorts; I dreamt that I received a phone call when I am work, on the line is my brother, telling me that he just received news that my mother had just passed away. Here's the unimaginable thing; I practically willed myself to wake up from that dream. Somehow, the dream stopped there, as if even in my dreams I am not prepared to face such a day yet. The intense feeling of guilt, anger, sadness and loss would probably be too much for me. I keep telling myself not to let that day come. I keep telling myself I have to take charge to make sure my mother remains safe... but what should I do? How?.......
I feel like my 5 year old self again, having the same old dream of loosing my parents again... only this time, mom and dad aren't next door for me to cry to anymore............
posted by Compulsive Blogger @ 1:29 am
Comments: 2
