Green Eyed Monsters
I heard once that jealousy is the shadow of greed. That sound pretty profound doesn't it? Until I tell you that I heard it from the movie Star Wars.. Haha..
But the issue of green eyed monsters has been on my mind of lately, mainly because: (i) My girlfriend has a small one in her and (ii) My good friend living with us has a BIG one.
Despite going steady for so many years now, my girlfriend is (thankfully) very frank with me in acknowledging that she has a small problem with me having 'friendly & warm' relations with any other woman (with the exception of my mother and herself of course). There was once a time, when she would seriously consider it a threat whenever I even spoke to another woman. Even the mere mention of me speaking and getting along with a female classmate or colleague would be enough to get her to 'makan cuka' - which is another way of saying she gets jealous. Believing in pre-emptive strikes, I made it a point to talk as much as I could about these women, not to make her even more jealous, but to demonstrate to her that I had nothing to hide. I made it a policy to be completely open and honest on my dealings with all my friends, especially female ones. Of course, I will confessed that in order to somewhat tilt it to my favour, I sort of just mention in passing whenever there was something good to say about them, while deliberately going through all the pains to highlight all their flaws; just to make her feel more secure; to show that I wasn't somehow putting too high regard on these women and somehow threatening her position. To her credit, she has improved tremendously, no longer suspecting every single woman I come in counter with. Though she still cant stop asking me about every single eligible and pretty looking girl "If you were not with me, would you fall for a girl like her?" I suppose being a woman, she cant get it out of her system, and constantly need reassurance. Of course, the default answer is No, even if you have think the answer could be a yes.
In my situation, it my girlfriend always worrying that she somehow looses me to some other women. "You are a very nice guy, and I know the kind of girls that would fall for a guy like you." she would tell me. Flattering, but despite my best efforts, I cannot convince her she is over-rating me because she's in love with me.
On the other hand, 2 of my friends got hooked up with each other very recently, and in a bizarre turn of roles, it is the guy who has the green eye, not the girl. He gets upset and insecure when he knows she meets up with other guy friends, even if they are old friends long before he was in the picture. Its not like she goes out on dates with other guys. She just meets up with her friends at the local coffee shop, and I doubt it is alone. In any case, being a nurse also, she hardly meets up with any of her friends anymore due to her busy shifts. Almost all her time is divided between her family and her new boyfriend, how can he possibly be insecure about her whole situation?
But the problem lies deeper than that.
He started making all sorts of request for her, like asking her to cook meals for him (since he did that for her when he was courting her). He loves food, and loves cooking. She doesn't know how to cook at all and not much of a food fan, but being that nice person she is, she took up the challenge and tried her hand at a few dishes. The he starts giving her beauty tips and articles on 'how to use make up effectively'. He firmly believes that women should properly beautify themselves. She rarely wears make-up. The most outrages request came when one time she was staying over, he actually asked him to wake up early to prepare his lunch for him to bring to work in the morning. Imagine the nerve of him! She says no, and he gets a bit disappointed. Being the more introverted and less expressive type, she seldom says sweet mushy mushy stuff to him. He being all on fire and swept off his feet, feels like he's clapping with one hand. Sends her messages asking why she doesn't say these things to him, she starts crying and wondering what is wrong with herself, and why he is feeling this way. She doesn't understand why he is suddenly disappointed with her despite she spending half her free time exclusively with him. He starts to wonder why she doesn't seem to be as crazy about him as he is about her, and she is wondering the same thing. He is wondering why he is behaving more like the needy woman, and she like the insensitive man, and she is wondering the same thing.
I thought the start of relationships were supposed to be like the honeymoon period right? Can you imagine all this things unfolding within the first month of being together?
I kind of saw it coming, and I knew that once they were together, things would change, not just between the 2 of them, but also between them and the people around them. I used to jest and joke a lot with the girl. After all, her disposition was a lot like me, and getting along well seems natural. But after they hooked up, I could see that my buddy was much more possessive over her than before. I found out from others that he previously felt a bit 'tak syok' or uncomfortable when I seemed to get along too well with the apple of his eye while he fade into the shadows. In my defence, its not my fault that you don't know how to create good conversations right? So after they hooked up, I could see that he was eager to consolidate his position as head honco / numero uno or whatever, I backed off. I told my girlfriend I was going to change the way I spoke and relate to his new girlfriend. After all, how is he going to feel if his buddy seems to get along better with his girlfriend than him?
One night after picking him up from work, my buddy suddenly blurts out that he foresees that he isn't going to be very happy for the next few weeks / months. So finally, he spills the beans to me telling me about how he was feeling in the relationship, without going into the details. He felt frustrated because it seemed like he was doing all the giving; travelling far to see her, cooking meals for her, making small personal gifts for her while she doesn't seem to reciprocate in kind. She is working most of the time, working double shifts and hardy has time to reply his messages. He was wonders why she doesn't seem to miss him at all while he thinks about her day and night. Sorry to say, I wasn't feeling to sympathetic. I gave him a piece of my mind, albeit in a toned down, flowered up version.
He was emotionally needy. In his own words, all he thought of day and night was her. He confessed that she was his number on priority now. I warned that when you are emotionally dependant on other people, you are setting yourself and your relationship up for disaster and you will never be happy. I told him his flame burning a bit to brightly now, and he needed to cool down. His eagerness and passion was starting to burn himself and her. People who are emotionally immature always blame their feelings on others. They have no insight into their feelings and have no control over them. His frustration is understandable when he seems to be blowing hot while she blows cold. But though they have now officially become a couple, in reality, they still do not know each other. He had false expectations that now that they are a couple, everything will fall into place. There was a hundred and one things about her he still didn't know about yet, vice versa. These things add up. He was trying to move too fast, trying to shift up a gear, but the girl wasn't ready. After I finished knocking (or should we say pounding) sense into him, I suddenly understood why girls always seemed to like older man more. It was about the maturity. My good friend over here, despite all his sincerity and eagerness, was not mature enough to steer the relationship in the right direction emotionally. He was needy, and after giving some, now wants the girl to give back some. Not in his deepest insight would he be aware that he was being emotionally selfish.
But we all know how humans are really. When it comes to emotions, its never enough to just 'know' how you are feeling and how you should improve. Its about fully embracing what you know in your mind into your heart. Its one thing for a person to say they want to change, saying it is often never enough. In the end, its always that extra push or resolution that comes from the heart that gives you the conviction and the strength to act in a different way than you normally would. Well, at least that is what I think.
What can I say of people who are overly possessive over their partners? It it truly that they are insecure? Or is it more than that? Somehow, I feel that its a combination of people having their own insecurities, thinking that they might loose that person at any time, but most importantly but more importantly, they cannot come to the acceptance that its not always possible / necessary to have someone and to hold then tightly at the same time.
Some people keep birds in cages. They keep the bird there so that they can feed it, admire it, care for it and safely say they own it, even if the bird is never free. They never think that perhaps the bird belongs in the sky, they never consider that perhaps its possible to call the bird a part of your life, without caging it. They never think that perhaps the bird isnt so happy to be locked up. They have the bird, and they hold it to their liking. These people have a small small heart, and it the core of it, they are just emotionally selfish people.
Though it hurts to consider this, but in essence, this is what you are my friend.
posted by Compulsive Blogger @ 11:55 am
Comments: 1
