Day Dreams
Already more than 3 weeks since my lost post. Where did all the time go?
This have quite down somewhat ever since my last post. Everyone was pretty much caught up with the Malaysian 12th General Election, whose aftermath still linger on till today, with the BN now fighting some underground war with the now stronger Opposition, and The Opposition, despite now holding 5 States in hand, still cant get along with each other. I tell you, the Malaysian political landscape is changing; for better or for worse, who knows. If you are a Malaysian, and have never been interested in politics, well, this time, I tell you it cannot be ignored. Get in the know before you get lost when things start to change.
On the personal front, things have also slightly quiet (or less dramatic as it where) Mother's gone missing again. This time around, she's hanging around in Bukit Mertajam & Kulim, despite not having a single piece of identification on her. It amazes me just how I can just put it plainly like that, as if my heart has now turn to frost. Have I stopped caring? Or have I developed some sort of defence mechanism against this emotional turmoil?
Speaking of emotions, that's where the real crisis is happening. And for the first time in a long long time, I am no longer as sure or as certain about the things around me, and mostly about myself.
I find myself more a cynical (or is it pessimist?) when it comes to things. I have lost some of that innocence, that hope and belief in the good of others. Somehow, my perspective of things are changing. When did it all start?
The day my mother wept on the floor proclaiming that she married the wrong man. The day my girlfriend showed signs that she may not be willing or capable of standing by my side in the face of these problems, the day I found out my father failed to hold on to his promised, and spent money that did not belong to him and never returned. The day I looked into the mirror and saw that I had put on some weight..... or not.
Maybe its just my tired worn out heart acting up finally. I have never been the type to day dream. But to my own surprise, I have been doing a lot of that of late. During lunch, in the shower, while driving. A thought sparks, and my mind races off, and suddenly, I'm no longer me. I'm this other good looking guy living the good life, in the middle of a big metropolitan, with influential and desirable people all my friends, or in some far away foreign land, living on a charming cottage walking through the meadows, feeling the cool breeze and smelling the morning dew. Anything, anywhere, but the present. Dreamy isn't it? Idealistic isn't it? Totally out of character too.
Maybe its some sort of yearning... To be someplace else, to be with someone else, to life another type of life. The grass always seem greener on the other side. Do I believe in making the best of what you have? Yes. Do i believe in embracing all that life has given you? Yes. Do I believe that God has his plans for everyone, and that he is just? Yes. Do i believe that with perseverance and faith, things will be OK in the end? Yes. So why do I still fell this way? Why does it feel like my heart is not as whole as it used to be?
I'm not talking any sense I know. But since has our emotions been something that is sensible? We all hide our feelings behind facts and rationalizations. This isnt about me trying to justify how I feel, this isnt about trying to explain why I feel this way. If you have read my blog, you will understand the things I go through in life. Sometimes, I am full of hope, other times, I am down with sorrow. But this time, it feels broken. Though on the outside everything seems just fine.
I dont laugh as whole-heartedly anymore. I am no longer as loving or encouraging to others as I used to be anymore (not that I am mean to them). I am no longer as patient as I used to be. I am no longer as soft spoke and gentlemen-like as they used to say I am. One more thing, I find myself laughing less and less, and what more, joking even lesser. What happened to my sense of humour about life? Everything that I used to pride myself with, somehow no longer seems to be there. Look at this blog, its full of sadness, discontent and helplessness. Maybe its a transition.. or maybe its a transformation from my past experiences... but wait a minute... puberty is over right?
One thing hasnt changed though.. I'm as long winded as ever... because all i'm trying to say is;
I feel confused, a bit directionless and de-motivated, and I need someone from the outside, totally unrelated to all this to talk to. Someone who listens to all I have to complain, give me a hug, a friendly pat on the shoulder and say "You've been through a lot, but everything will be OK." and in the end, tell me to come back again at any time. I used to know someone like that, but you cant talk to your own shadow can you?
posted by Compulsive Blogger @ 1:52 pm
Comments: 2
