Sensitive, loyal and understanding
Humerous, fun, secure and true
Always there... yes that's you.
Special, accepting, exciting and wise
Truthful and helpful, with honest blue eyes
Confiding, forgiving, cheerful and bright
Yes that's you... not one bit of spite.
You're one of a kind, different from others
Generous, charming, but not one that smothers
Optimistic, thoughtful, happy and game
But not just another... in the long chain.
Appreciative, warm and precious like gold
Our friendship won't tarnish or ever grow old
You'll always be there, I know that is true
I'll always be here... always for you.
Amazingly, this poem was written by a friend of mine for me on Friendster. Honestly, i was very surprised and touched by what she wrote. I could hardly believe that it was written by my friend, who in secondary school always had a problem pronouncing the letter 'h' properly. Now she is studying TESL, going to become a teacher in the future.
Most of the things that she wrote, i can accept, except the part about the 'blue eyes'. Mind you, i don't have blue eyes!
But anyway, my point is, sometimes, i doubt if i am deserving of what she wrote, or rather, am i really all of those things that she wrote? Most of the people around me think that i am a reasonable pleasant guy, always being polite and very gentlemenlike. My friends look and me and say they can't imagine me doing 'bad' things like watching porn or speaking with fould words or do 'indicent' things. We all know what guys talk about when the girls are not around. When i'm there, they still do talk about those stuff, only i just get the feeling that they hold back somehow because they think it is not nice talking about it in front of me. After all, i am a 'clean' guy and wouldn't do or say such things.
I have tried telling people that i am not THAT good or innocent a guy but they just look at me, top to toe and say "You? No lar, u soo good." They all seem to say the same thing, that i am very proper. I ask myself, am i really so? Are we what people say we are, or what we perceive ourselves to be? It seems both are wrong anwers. If a person feels that he/she is a good person, but everyone else says other wise, then your feelings aren't excatly right. On the other hand, a person that knows that he isn't as good as people think him to be, but they just keep insisting so, then what? This is the dilemma that i face sometimes.
I have tried judging myself objectively, but it seems very difficult. Everyone at some point wishes to be some othe way, or a better version of themselves. I too have this desire. People form perceptions of me from the things that i say and do. Maybe because all my life, i have very seldom or have totally not done anything extreme or out of the norm. A sanguine would have an emotional graph going up and down drastically. A melancholy would have the same alternating graph, only more squarish. But for me, it's a straight line. I always seem to react moderately to many things with very few exceptions. Its as if i am heartless. It doesn't feel like a volcano of emotions, if you know what i mean.
I know the thoughts that go through my head, and they aren't excatly for public knowledge, if you know what i mean. People are set on believing that i am incapable of thoughts like that and the only things that i do think about and am open about are decent things. How wrong of them. That's why people talk differently with me sometimes(at least i think so). When i am one on one with another person, it's always serious, even when the person is originally a very playful person. It like they feel obliged to act 'properly' around me, kind of like when you are with someones parents. I know its the feeling that people get around me. What they don't realise is that actually, i enjoy their bubbliness and playfullness. I am already a serius person by nature, and it's actually pleasant, refreshing and a relief to be around people who don't take things that seriously. It's an antidote.
I am also not excatly innocent in nature, having my fair share of indecent and naughty thoughts. The problem is, they hardly or never leave my mouth. Therefore, people just can't imagine me being like that, when in fact i am! I AM NOT A GOOD PERSON! At least, not as good as you think i am. Signing off.
"Sungai yang tenang, jangan disangka tiada buaya, Diam-diam ubi berisi"
If you get what i mean
posted by Compulsive Blogger @ 10:05 pm
Comments: 0
