Forthnights

Who and What i am

Sometimes i wonder why i am the way i am. In fact i struggle to grasp what exactly am i. Some people seem to know exactly who and what they are and how they behave. By all evaluations, i am a conservative, although not totally. I am young still yet i do not behave like the rest of my friends. They go clubbing, have fun fool around, have lots of cash to spend and basically enjoy life to the max. As clearly stated by my friend, this is the time to enjoy life, to do what your heart desires whithout any worries, because you dont get a second chance, once you are all grown up and have responsibilities then you'll regret not doing this things.
I have long pondered on this statement. I do want to enjoy life. I look at my friends and they have little worries, being almost all grown up and know how to seek the pleasures in life, yet conveniently sponsored by their parents in terms of cash. If only they knew what their children were up to. I on the other hand feel burdened. I cannot just let loose and join the gang, wear designer clothes, go clubbing and do all the stuff that 'hip' people do for two reasons.
First, cash. Once upon a time, my dad used to earn quite alot, and we were almost what you consider upper middle income people. Not rich, but with enough cash to afford the little luxury here and there. But as fate would have it, my dad lost his job and untill today, we haven't crawl out of this financial problem yet. My dad is almost without an income and suddenly my brother and i were supposed to live on little amounts of money for months, barely enough. Safe to say, we are in trouble. I hate the feeling of helplessness, but that is how i feel. My dad used to go around big houses, looking at them, going to stores looking at very nice things that we all long to have and say "Some day when money is not a problem, we can buy that or... we can have...." That phrase i still remember, but the reality dawned upon me long ago that that 'some day' will never come. Nothing but dreams.
Secondly, i do not know if i am that sort of person. My friend said that if i changed my hair stle, learnt how to dress up and loose some weight (ok.. alot of weight).. i'd be quite an eligible fella. Well, thanks for the vote of confidence, but then again although i wish that i was indeed like that, more good looking and more fashionable, i am not. I have always just been myself and that is what i am. i could change, but i don't know if i am cut out to be that kind of person. To a certain extent, i do wish to be but i am happy with some things that i have.
I feel that i have been forced to grow up more quickly that the rest of my friends. I had to grow a conscience because in my family problems, my brother and i couldn't afford to be immature or week and foolish. I wished that at least i could be carefree, ignorant to the rational side like all other of my young adult friends, whom only later will start to think in a different way. As for me, the process can't be reversed and i wonder if i am missing some joys in life and that i am missing the oppotunity to make some mistakes in my life. They say, making mistakes make you learn. But what if you have learnt it without making the mistake? Is it really learning? Does the experience count?Once bitten twice shy. Are lessons learnt through experince better or that through a third party experince? Better to be told not to touch the fire and obey or doing it once and remembering in forever and well learnt?

posted by Compulsive Blogger @ 11:14 am Comments: 1