Forthnights

Church Anyone?

I seem to be stuck in a never ending stuggle within myself about going to church. I grew up in a home that embraced Christianity. When i was 6 years old, my mother taughted me a prayer and we prayed together for Jesus to come into my heart so that I can have Christ in my life and become a Christian. We used to attend Church regularly every Sunday. The Sunday school teacher said i was very bright because i knew many of the bible stories (which were told to us by my parent). During sermon, because my brother and I couldn't keep still nor keep quiet, my father would buy us each a colouring book with colour pencils for us to colour during sermon, so that we'd keep quiet! And i must say it was pretty effective. For some strange reason, i only wanted to colour if it was Robocop. I just loved Robocop as a kid

But then, when my father left, we gradually stopped going to Church. Moving back and forth from the North to KL, we eventually shyed away from the Church comunity. Even till today, there are people in the First Baptist Church in PJ that may recognized my parents, and perhaps feel my brothers face and mine very familiar. My brother has since moved on, and he's a regular church goer in a different Church. Its a different story for me

It's not that i havent tried going to Church before. There was a time that i made it a point to go to Church every Sunday. I too my own initiative and went alone to a Church. But after going to the Church for about a month and still stuck at square one, with absolutely no one i know, i stopped going. I just went to service, sang the praise and worshipe, listen to the sermon, but during the break, (it seem to me) nobody took the initiative to introduce me or make me feel more welcomed. So i just stoped going, not liking the feeling at all. Sad too coz i really had a good impression of the Church and i enjoyed the singing and listening to the sermons, after so many years of not going to Church

By brother asked me "Dont you feel the need to have God in your life?" I wasnt really sure how to answer. Do I feel the need for God? Do i believe in God? Do i want God in my life? How real is God to me? I have to say that, in the majority of things that i do, i dont really have God close to heart all the time. I mean, i just go about doing the things i do, the way i see it. Do i believe in God? yes. But then, i guess i need more convincing. Its just so easy to ignore, because there is no visible consequence for not beliving. Do i want God in my life? I guess what i really want is that faith in God. I cannot pretend to have faith. I cannot just go to Church every Sunday, and be active in Church and say "I have faith" I need something that will seal my belief, that will leave me certain beyond any doubt about the reality of God.

Last year, during our carolling in Assunta Hospital. Before we left, the sister asked me to pray for the entire group before leaving to the hospital. Apparently, i was the leader of the carolling group and it was only proper that i say a prayer for the group. I was "Noooooooooooooooo......" I did even want to be leader, let alone be appointed. Just because i led and guided the practice sessions because i played the guitar, doesnt mean i want be leader and pray for everyone! I mean, i hardly pray in private, and NEVER pray out loud, let alone lead a prayer for a 30something strong carolling group during Christmas. I felt like just jumping into a hole somewhere. If i needed a prayer, i was how to get through this alive! The entire first 5 minutes of it was pure nonsenes i tell u. It was just utterly humiliating for me. I stuttered, and i was talking nonsense. But if there was a miracle in this world, it came to me on that day. After 5 minutes of nonsense prayer, i suddenly found the proper words and the proper things to say. The more i continued, i could hear people saying "Yes lord." here and there, agreeing to what i was praying. I was just taken aback. Are you actually following my prayer? Is my prayer even worth following? Normally, id be among the crowd, praying along. But that day, i was the one praying and though i made a total fool of myself for the first 5 minutes, i thank God for guiding me and managed to wrap it up rather nicely. But still, after the prayer i wanted to find a hole to jump into. I was sweating cold sweat and hoped that everyone quickly forgot that episode of amatuer praying.

When i had dinner with my mother and brother one night, my brother asked me to say grace, i said its better if he said it, because i didnt really know how to. He said to me "You dont even know how to pray?How embarassing." I flushed red. Not sure more out of embarrasement, anger or guilt.?

I find myself distant from God. Even in Church, i feel that God if far way. I do pray sometimes to God, but i dont know if he's listening and if im praying properly. More importantly, being a Christian is more than just believing and praying. I am cut off from the Church, even if i believe in Christ. So does that make me a Christian still? What is a Christian if he doesnt belong to a Church? Is merely saying i believe enough?

posted by Compulsive Blogger @ 2:21 pm Comments: 1