My greatest dilemma
On the way to Kl, we stopped by Tapah to eat breakfast. We got down from the car, and i led my mother to the nearest table while my brother went to buy some food. As we settled in, my mother wouldnt keep still, and kept turning her body backwards, and erecting her back, into an extremely ackward position. I kept pulling her back down and told her to sit straight, but she was in her own world and incapable of responding. Then, something happened that really disturbed me. When she kept on turning, ignoring our pleas, my brother suddenly turn aggresive and turn her around and said with clenched teeth"Dont make me hurt you!"
Now, this certainly took me by total surprise and i didnt like hearing it one bit. I quickly took over and told him to just turn her around, and dont resort to threats. i didnt say anything much after that, but it really bothered me. Why did he have to resort to physical threats? Doesnt he realise that she doesnt know what she's doing? As quickly as his anger came, it just vanished, and if you just missed the moment, you wouldnt have thought anything was wrong. But i didnt miss it, and to me, this was something that that i consider wrong. To me, it is a sign of potential physical or psychological abuse, and it isnt the first time. How can i agree with my brother when he has constantly been championing for my mother come to stay with us, saying its the right thing to do, when he himself is acting this way? If in just a few hours, he resorts to verbal threats, what about the long months and years ahead? But more om that later.
Arrivin in Kl, we brought her to HUKM directly. But then, just as i feared, it was closed, because it was a Sunday. So once again, we had to go to the emergency ward. Only, this time we were not refused treatment. Instead, we were ushered in immediately to see a doctor, but then, at a price of RM30 for consultation in the emergency ward. Not wanting to make a fuss, i paid the sum and my mother got to see a doctor. The GP and psychiatrist saw her and made their diagnoses, and she was then warded into the psychiatric ward. So, after 2 tiring days, it was finally done. We had made something happen. We had taken our mother out of that dreadful place and put her in a hospital. If we did not, im not sure if she would have survived another week alone up north. But we didnt have any time to consider the implications of our actions.
Now, two weeks down the line, my mother has been treated and has improved considerably. For the two weeks that she has been there, she has been given proper medication and care and now can speak to us, and can interact with her surroundings, just like perhaps 5 years ago.(just remember that she can no longer be 'normal' in the usual sense anymore) So i guess this is an improvement nonetheless. I am truely glad that she has improved, and life has returned to her once skelelton looking face. Yet now, i am forced to consider something that i have dread for all this while, starting from a few weeks ago when my brother brought up the subject.
In the two weeks that my mother has been in there, where we would put her was something that caused friction between us. Before going down, my brother wanted her to come stay with us. I didnt agree totally, but he had is points. He said that it was only the right thing to do, directly taking care of our mother, after neglecting her for so many years. Come what may, we will swallow hard and face all the hardship that we will face. A noble and just thing to say, and i couldnt possible argue against that. But i still did not like the idea. The last time we stayed together, it was he that couldnt take it the most, it was he that kicked up the most fuss, and it was he that threw all the tantrums and anger episodes. I was the one having to be the peace maker and keeping things in order and making sure my brother didnt get out of hand.. or abusive. But in the end, it was my mother that couldn't take it anymore, and she left to go back north. The friction and conflicts within the house was too much for her to take. Fast forward to today, i still have that same doubts, if my brother really realises what he is saying. Its easy to say that you'll take whatever that may come, and he may even be able to endure it again, just like the last time, and just like the last time, maybe turn abusive.
But i am selfish also, and i disagree with her coming to stay, not only because of my brothers temperamen but for my own personal reasons too. I dont know if i am able to cope with the same situation again, having to be peacekeeper for brother and mother, and babysitter to her. However responsible and loving a son my brother might think he is, he too is bound to slip in he;s duties and in the end it is the rest of us that have to bear the burden. Take for example, our dog Doby. I dearly love and care for that dog, and take care of him willingly now, cleaning his shit, feeding him, mopping up after he make 'deposits' around the house. But i remember very clearly too when my brother mooted the idea of a dog. I was against it, citing the extra responsibility and the fact that we live in a flat as good reasons. But he insisted, and got the dog anyway, without really bothering with my consent or not, saying he will bear ALL the responsibilities of keeping a dog, shit included. But till today, i am the reigning shit clearer of the house, no kidding. Although i'm not nearly comparing the dog with my brother, i AM highlighthing my brothers own inconsistencies and when he said, we will take and bear whatever that may come with my mother coming to stay with us, i have my doubts.
The other thing of course is my darling. She has been living with us for the past 2 years plus, and in my brothers own words, if my mother comes, we will need to 'reorganize'. But basically what it means it that my darling will have to go. From my father, i found out that he has actually been itching to get her out from day one. I know that they mutually dislike and distrust each other but i never thought that we was constantly looking for a reason to get her out. He constantly asked my father to just give him the word if he wanted her out, when actually, it was my brother who wanted it. My father gave him to reason to boot her, and he didnt dare to offend me by openly saying it, but constantly kept his distance, remain negatively neutral (??) and overall managing to let my darling feel unwelcomed.
The other day, he even dared asking me what i saw in her (with a very disapproving tone, as if i have chosen poorly) and told me matter-of-factly that he finds her very suspicious and dishonest. Always secretive and not open. I was fuming inside. Firstly, i didnt have to justify to him who i choose as my other half and secondly, how prejudiced and hypocritical he was of her. He hasnt even cared to get to know her better over these 2 years, taking a superior "i am just tolerating you because i am better, noble and more accomodating" posture. And he too is sooo soo sooo suspicious of her (prejudice) and he too constantly never show he's true feelings, often putting on a show of goodwill and tolerance until one day, he just cracks, and confronts me, saying how good he has been, putting up with all the nonsense, but he's had enough and wants to give me and her a 'warning'. But he never tells when there are things he doesnt like, often just letting happen to prove how patient and how right he is about it. The worst part it, all the time, nobody knows whats going on in his mind.
He's definition of being tolerant, co-operative, patient and accepting is by just keeping quiet about what he doesnt like until he cant take it anymore, gather all the supporting facts and proof, and present it to the person so that they chance accordingly, and the process is repeated until the message is accepted. And all this while maintaining his posture of being very considerate and patient. Bullshit. That's not acceptance at all. That just a big ugly farce of what he calls manners.
And now, he finally has a legitimate reason to kick her out, and he certainly is taking his chances well. He's trying to drive into me the notion that i havent been a good son (it is he who has been making all the effort, he who has the right priorities) and now is the right time to make ammends and do what is right for a chance and not stick and side with this 'outsider' for once. What he does not realise is that she is no outsider to me.
But of course, he has a legitimate point, and a rather good one for the matter. I do after all have the responsibility of taking care of my mother too. But i am torn. Just now, my brother told he i havent been visiting her enough, challenging the amount of time and effort i have put into going to see her. Easy for him to say, the hospital's on the way back from work for him, and he has a car. For me it involves two train rides and a taxi ride just to get there. But i wont try to find excuses for myself. He wants me to show more effort, i'll give it. It is not an unfair demand. She cried, saying how she would rather stay with us that to go to a nursing home, which was enough to convince my brother that she must come to stay with us. He said to me " I am willing for her to come and stay, it's just you now. I cant force you to agree, you have to come to your own realization of what is the right thing to do." So now, i am left with the final decision, or rather, he's waiting for me to conform to what he wants to do.
Agreeing to her coming to stay would mean asking my darling to move out, undoubtly. my brother would insist on it. "Why take care of other people when we have our own mother to take care of." Again, the other people. But she has no where to go, and no place to stay, except her hostel, but thats hardly a home. On weekends, she will have no place to go home to from hostel. Renting a room is costly, especially when you only sleep there once a week. Where will she go, where will she stay? My brother will be determined not to care. As far as he is concerned, she has to go to accomodate my mother, where and how she lives is gladly none of his business. But i am faced with this questions, and i can not and will not go hands off in finding a solution. I have told my darling, that she can call me as home. She has always felt that she doesnt belong anywhere, an outcast unwanted by anyone. I have tried very hard to build her confidence and tried to be a pillar, telling her that whatever happend, she will always be welcomed and accepted by me. But now, my own brother, forced by circumstances, as well as his personal vendetta, is wanted me to kick her out of the house.
I am put in a very difficut situation with no one to consult with, no one to offer me an ideal solution, and no one to share this burden with. I am alone on this decision, even from my darling, because my actions and the stand i take will directly influence her life. One one hand, is my mother, mentally ill, needing care and attention, with no family or place to live except with her sons. On the other, is my darling, also alone, having no place to call home, family scattered and missing, having no one but me to geniuinely confide and go to as a place of refuge and home. And in the center, my brother, trying to get rid of my darling because of his prejudice against her, and trying to take my mother in, not really knowing or caring of the implications of it all. It seems obvious, that due to the stand my brother has taken, i will have to either ask my darling to leave and find a place of her own, or put my mother some place else. Both as difficult, and hard to accept. And all these, not even considering my cousin who stays with us during the weekdays to go to college.
And so, i am face with the impossible task of choosing and facing the consequence of it. I am torn, and i feel lost. How am i supposed to choose between the two women i love most? How can i choose? What middle road can i take? I face a dilemma. A choice between two ugly decisions
posted by Compulsive Blogger @ 10:33 pm
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