Stepmums & such
Sorry for not writing for so long.
Like has been quite hectic of late. Its hard to find the time to sit down and write like I used to, and all the more harder to find the privacy to be with my own thoughts.
I have been posted to Bintulu for work on a project for a week or so, and thus find myself able to sit down alone and reflect on my thoughts. Being away from you home, away from your loved ones does have a strange effect on you. Suddenly you treasure the smaller things that you have at home. Suddenly I feel crippled without my car, the freedom to just lazy around the do as I wish at home. But never mind that.
The dinner with my ex-step mother went alright. I supposed I went overboard in expecting all hell to break loose. Nonetheless, it was quite an awkward thing for me still. I was running late, and had to go pick up my father first. Can you imagine the nerve of him, when he asked me to get down from the car and go say hello to his wife. I said no point blank to him and told him to get going. "Come on, its common courtesy. " he said to me. I stared at him for a full 5 seconds with the most menacing look I had ever given him. I didnt like all this crap the was asking me to do. But he was my father, I was should honour him at least try to respect his request. I wasnt a kid anymore when he could force me to call someone else mother. But it would help him get out of hot soup if I did it.
So I put on the biggest & most plastic smile I could manage, get down the car and said hello to her; not that she was particularly happy to receive my greetings anyway. Its all just one big game of charades. So I said my hello and got into the car with my father. I was mad by the time and did not beat around the bush about the matter.
" The next time you want me to pull that kind of stunt again, please tell me ahead of time."
He said it was not a stunt, and that it was common courtesy.
"I have no intention of building a relationship with her. Why should I go down and try to give her that impression of being friendly? Knowing her, she would now start to brandish me as being a fake. I went down and said hello to her out of respect for you and nothing else."
He just kept quite.
I dont think I have ever been so harsh with my father before, nor speak to him in that tone before. But I realised I was no longer the same person I was a year ago, but more on that later. Having my say, we moved on to talk about this other wife that he used to have. Just as I was going to pick him up, I was just thinking of the whole irony of the situation; I was going to pick my father up from his current wife's house to go and have dinner with his ex-wife. How bizarre is that? How much the choices of my father has influence her. After that mini show off my my father, I was in the mood to be direct & straight to the point.
"Honestly, I dont see what this is all about. She has moved on, we have moved on and you are still married to this other woman, which was why she left in the first place. Why are we digging up all this skeletons from the past? What is this dinner suppose to achieve anyway? To build a new relationship?"
He was taken aback by my sudden strong stand on the matter.
"She took care of you for many years, doesn't that count for something? Unless you thought she was being insincere? I thought that even without me in the picture, you boys and her would at least have a strong enough relationship to carry on. Did you really feel nothing for her at all during all this times? "
That was when I laid it down plain for him to see how I really felt about the whole matter.
"I think you only have it half right. I think she was sincere in taking care for us all those years when we were all together. But she didnt do it out of love for us. We were the access luggage that came with marry the man. She had no choice but to take the whole thing or nothing at all. So she did take care of us, but she did it out of love for you. Similarly, we accepted her and called her mother because you wanted it so. We did it out of love for you. You were the link. So when you ended the relationship with her. She and us, well, at least she and I crumbled pretty quickly. It did not take root enough to stand on its own as far as I am concerned."
I omitted the part when she and I had a stand off the last few months leading to me moving out from her place. I left out the part where whenever he was away, she was content in doing her own things while I did mine. And I certainly and deliberately not remind him that she treated my girlfriend badly and was outright rude to her. It seems he has forgotten that she complained to him about her coming to our place. It was a sore point between her and I, and my father was dragged in the center. I had to stand firm and defend my choice and my girlfriend even to my father who of course took the side of his wife. Someone, all this significant things were forgotten to my father.
But he was too engulfed in his own thoughts and feelings to be concerned about these things. He seldom asks me about my mother or my girlfriend, the 2 most important women in my life. He harps on the past and about the wrong choices he made.
"Did I really screw up my life that badly?" he ask me.
"Its not my place to say. But the choice that you made directly influenced our lives." I said. Growing up living without my mother but instead with 2 malay step mothers were none of my own doing, it was a direct result of his choice. Now that I am on my own, I refuse to be cornered and shaped by the choices that he makes.
So we arrived and said hello to her. I deliberately avoided calling her anything in particular, just to void the awkwardness. If I called her 'auntie' it would highlight her now diminished status with us, to call her 'mak' would be a betrayal to my own mother. So going swiss seemed like the best choice. So we just chatted about my work, about my brother, my father couldnt help talking about old times, which just made me all the more awkward. I remained polite throughout the conversation, but avoided talking to much or getting involved. We talked awfully little abut my education & graduation, considering it was supposed to be in honour of that. But I was only too happy to talk too much about myself. After dinner, we just said thank you and left. No word of keeping in touch or anything.. Just thanks for dinner and left.
So it wasn't too bad... except the food was hardly worth the price. I think I achieved what I wanted to do; polite and friendly, but distant at the same time. Am I being ungrateful and heartless? It is the view of my father and brother that at the very least, she did have a hand in taking care of us. For that I do feel some gratitude towards her. But it doesnt mean I have to go and act as if I still want her to be a part of my life does it? That chapter of my life has passed, and a clean start cannot come skeletons from the past.
posted by Compulsive Blogger @ 1:29 pm
Comments: 1
