Forthnights

All set to go?

I just observed something concerning my mother…

She seems to have settled down compared to a few weeks ago. She’s pretty much resumed all the things she used to do; watch TV, go for walks, and do some house chores here and there. She’s even being very nice to me, offering to make drinks for me every now and then.

But there have been the occasional talk of wanting to move away for good. Once or twice, she said to me that she wants to move away, since my brother and I are unable to support her. It seems she rather take her chances on her own than to be stuck with us, wondering whether she’ll be taken care of. She also says that she just doesn’t want to get used to the life in KL, and the price tag that comes along with living in a city.

Strange since it seems to me that she is actually more comfortable here. One thing that she said to me last week that really made me really happy (though I kept it to myself) was this: “Last time, when I stayed alone, I used to have suicidal thoughts. One good thing about staying with you boys is that I don’t have those thoughts anymore.” I was really surprised to hear that, in fact, very surprised. Firstly, she having serious suicidal thoughts was unknown to me. Secondly, I was glad that at least with us, she doesn’t have them.

In all, when my mother is stable, she really is quite ok to deal with. She is just very insecure about money (which is understandable given our situation) and she is sort of a hermit; she doesn’t like it when I have friends come over to the house. She says she likes her privacy.

The thing that really bugs me is this: she has all her clothes and essential things packed in a bag. It has been that way since the beginning. Most people who settle down in a place unpack, using cabinets, drawers etc. But for some reason, my mother has chosen NOT to unpack. In fact, she has all her things neatly in her bag, and she doesn’t like it when I try to take it out and put it in the wardrobe. It tells me that mentally, she is still on the move. I’m not sure if she consciously does it, but having your bags packed like that can only mean one thing; you are ready to move at a moments notice.

Come this New Year, my mother would have been staying with us for a year plus now. It’s significant because I have not lived under the same roof with her since I was 8 years old. We were separated then because my father took us away to live with my relatives. Since then, the only time I stayed with her was during my short holidays. Now at 21, I am living with my mother finally. But just what I had to go through to reach this stage is just amazing to me.

As a kid, we had to run away from her whenever it was reaching the end of the holidays. Every time we went to visit her, she would want us to stay for good, and she’d lock up the doors. But every single time, my brother and I found some way to escape back to KL. Its so strange thinking back on those times; we had to run away from our own mother. It’s a mix bag of feelings. I felt terrified of not being able to get away and desperate to find a way home. But at the same time, I dreaded having to leave my mother. Before we ‘escape’, all I wanted to do was get out. But after we managed it and we were on our way safely back to KL, all I wanted was to turn back. I would get all red eyed, close to crying. For some stupid reason, being a boy, I never dared cry in front of my brother.

In my teens, my mother did not strike fear in me like she used to. I would go back to see her on my own initiative. I never really got to enjoy holidays like my friends. To them, holiday involved going for trips, or working. But for me it was neither. Every holiday, I was on a mission. A mission to fulfil my long neglected duty as a son. I would take the bus alone, travel 300km and stay as long as is I could stand it. I always had a hard time turning my friends down. Many wanted to come along with me to visit the northern parts of the country. “Why cant I come along? I can just stay with you in your house right?” they would say. I never knew how to tell them that things at my ‘home town’ was far from comfortable. I never knew in what state the house or my mother would be in. My trips up north were never a holiday affair. They felt more like going for boot camp than going for a picnic. Every trip presented a challenge. Some times, she would not be around at all, other tines, she slept outside the door, because she lost her key. Worst of all was when I came and find some strange man ‘renting’ a room. Needless to say, I booted the guy out the day I arrived.

Finally, exiting my teen years, I am once again living with my mother. Though by any measure, this is a good thing, it has its challenges as you can read from my recollections in this blog. It has caused me so much heartache and tears. I remember it as if it was just yesterday; the day my brother and I walked into her house all messed up and stinking with her skinny, half naked body lying totally still on the kitchen floor. I stared at her for what seemed an eternity. My heart skipped a beat, and I dared not breathe. “Am I too late? Are we destined to regret not coming sooner? Have I let my mother die alone in this cold empty house?” I think I have mentioned here before of one nightmare I had as a child.

I dreamt that I was digging my father and mothers grave with a shovel in the middle of nowhere. I woke up screaming and crying and ran straight to my mothers’ room telling them I don’t want them to die. It is a nightmare I have remembered until today.

At that moment, staring at my mothers’ still body, I though my nightmare had come true.
In a word, it’s traumatic.

Reflecting on all that has happened since then to today, I can say with certainty that it has only made me stronger. Every time I survive some traumatic episode, every time I feel that pain lifted, and I am still intact, I feel myself grow a bit. Pain really has a way of making you sit up and pay attention to the things around you. Knowing what hurts you most really make you realise what matters most to you. It makes you so much more aware of whom and what you care about. Pain is often an unwelcome, but inevitable catalyst to growth.

There is still so much for me to learn, so much more room for me to grow. I never imagined I’d go through all that I have. They say if you knew what lay ahead of your journey, you’d never start. 21 years into the journey of my life, I’m glad I never saw it coming; I’d never think I could handle it.

The present is a gift. And for now, I am just glad that despite all that has happen, I still have my her with me. Its God’s gift to me; a second chance to care and love my mother.

posted by Compulsive Blogger @ 5:33 pm Comments: 1