Forthnights

My graduation!

So its official, after 4 years and tonnes of money later, I finally graduate with a Bachelors. All of us Ah "B.Eng"s who went to Sheffield together gathered at Shang-ri La KL for our ceremony.

To tell you the truth, I wasn't really that eager about going through the ceremony. It seem kind silly to spend hundreds of ringgit just to get dress in funny robes, stand in line, walk up the stage and shake hands with some old scholar I did not know nor would remember. But I agreed to since (1) my dad was so looking forward to me graduate and (2) it was just about the only graduation I had been waiting out on, I didnt really have a choice. It was either this graduation ceremony or none at all.

But as with any gathering of old friends, I was pretty much upbeat and excited throughout the day. The prospect of seeing some friends again all together under one roof was too good for me to suppress. Sure I had to pay RM400 plus, but I thought, hey what the heck. Seeing how much weight the rest of my chums had put on might just be worth the money. Putting on the elaborate robes was quite an experience, and we had robe dressers for us, whose job was to somehow turn us bunch of mechanical engineering brats into scholarly looking academia. I must say they did do a pretty good job, though I couldn't resist joking with the ladies dressing me that I needed a wand to complete my harry potter outfit. Seriously, how many times in your life can you put on a silly gown in front of hundreds of guys and not look silly? I was going to tell all the Harry Potter jokes I knew that day... (which wasnt that many anyway...)

One rather striking observation I made was this; not to be mean or anything, but I am no longer the fattest boy in the family. That 'honour' has been passed to my older brother, who from the pictures look so much bigger that me. Not that I was every in any competition, but growing up, I was always labelled the 'fatter' son, in need of looking weight. Hehe.... No longer! Though I still need to loose at least 2 stones though. ;p

By the time I arrived there, the place with PACKED with familiar faces, many of whom I did not know but still recognized by face. They were all there last year; the same faces we kept bumping into while shopping at Netto's or while walking at Norfolk park, or while walking around Sheffield city. Though many were as much a stranger to me as I was to them, but everyone looked at each other with some form of familiarity. We had all been there at the same time, taken in the same sight and sounds and went through pretty much the same things. Later the Vice Principal of the University would remind us in his speech of the things we went through there. There was the worst rain in the UK for 30 years, and it coincident with the time we arrived. The teachers all thought that we had brought the rain with us, while we the student were horrified thinking that THIS was typical english weather.

Listening to the Vice Principal talking, seeing some of our lecturers again just somehow made me miss being abroad gain. Hearing that Yorkshire accent again really topped it off and I couldnt help but launch into yet another conversation with the friend beside me on how much we missed Sheffield. He said to me "Sometimes, I also wonder why I came back."... Haha.. I know how you feel man.... I ask myself the same questions sometimes. It isnt just about being there that made it so attractive, but also the being away from the here and now. Everyone has they share of burdens and problems, and being there was basically being away, away from your problems. Who wouldn't want such an escape right? Since then, I have had some serious thoughts about the prospect of working & living abroad, though I have yet to come to a final decision on it.

This graduations really is the final symbol to the end of my student days. The final deed to be done as a student as it were. I will miss those days. I will miss the comradeship. The feeling you get with your mates like your were all on the same ship. You watch my back and I'll watch yours. You scratch my back,  I scratch yours. There was no stiff competition to be on top... everyone just wanted to have a good time and pass their papers & assignments the best they could. Your triumph was not going to be my undoing. Your success does not amount to my failure. Friendships were formed and cultivated then. Sincere ones. I feel that somehow as you get older, its harder to find, make and keep good friends. Are your colleagues your friends? Its a tough one to call, because some may be, but others may not. It'd be naive to say that everyone that is friendly to you is your friend....... But at least while you are a student, young, and naive and not into back stabbing to get ahead in life, you cans till generally trust that the person helping you out in your assignment isn't going to stab you in the back to get ahead.

Oh well, I guess you would say its all part of growing up. Here's just a few more photos. My friend and I were trying to act like a bunch of spooks, but couldnt stop laughing... and in the final photo, I kept trying to adjust my friends hat for him....

posted by Compulsive Blogger @ 10:04 am Comments: 2

Day Dreams

Already more than 3 weeks since my lost post. Where did all the time go?

This have quite down somewhat ever since my last post. Everyone was pretty much caught up with the Malaysian 12th General Election, whose aftermath still linger on till today, with the BN now fighting some underground war with the now stronger Opposition, and The Opposition, despite now holding 5 States in hand, still cant get along with each other. I tell you, the Malaysian political landscape is changing; for better or for worse, who knows. If you are a Malaysian, and have never been interested in politics, well, this time, I tell you it cannot be ignored. Get in the know before you get lost when things start to change.

On the personal front, things have also slightly quiet (or less dramatic as it where) Mother's gone missing again. This time around, she's hanging around in Bukit Mertajam & Kulim, despite not having a single piece of identification on her. It amazes me just how I can just put it plainly like that, as if my heart has now turn to frost. Have I stopped caring? Or have I developed some sort of defence mechanism against  this emotional turmoil?

Speaking of emotions, that's where the real crisis is happening. And for the first time in a long long time, I am no longer as sure or as certain about the things around me, and mostly about myself.

I find myself more a cynical (or is it pessimist?) when it comes to things. I have lost some of that innocence, that hope and belief in the good of others. Somehow, my perspective of things are changing. When did it all start?

The day my mother wept on the floor proclaiming that she married the wrong man. The day my girlfriend showed signs that she may not be willing or capable of standing by my side in the face of these problems, the day I found out my father failed to hold on to his promised, and spent money that did not belong to him and never returned. The day I looked into the mirror and saw that I had put on some weight..... or not.

Maybe its just my tired worn out heart acting up finally. I have never been the type to day dream. But to my own surprise, I have been doing a lot of that of late. During lunch, in the shower, while driving. A thought sparks, and my mind races off, and suddenly, I'm no longer me. I'm this other good looking guy living the good life, in the middle of a big metropolitan, with influential and desirable people all my friends, or in some far away foreign land, living on a charming cottage walking through the meadows, feeling the cool breeze and smelling the morning dew. Anything, anywhere, but the present. Dreamy isn't it? Idealistic isn't it? Totally out of character too.

Maybe its some sort of yearning... To be someplace else, to be with someone else, to life another type of life. The grass always seem greener on the other side. Do I believe in making the best of what you have? Yes. Do i believe in embracing all that life has given you? Yes. Do I believe that God has his plans for everyone, and that he is just? Yes. Do i believe that with perseverance and faith, things will be OK in the end? Yes. So why do I still fell this way? Why does it feel like my heart is not as whole as it used to be? 

I'm not talking any sense I know. But since has our emotions been something that is sensible? We all hide our feelings behind facts and rationalizations. This isnt about me trying to justify how I feel, this isnt about trying to explain why I feel this way. If you have read my blog, you will understand the things I go through in life. Sometimes, I am full of hope, other times, I am down with sorrow. But this time, it feels broken. Though on the outside everything seems just fine.

I dont laugh as whole-heartedly anymore. I am no longer as loving or encouraging to others as I used to be anymore (not that I am mean to them). I am no longer as patient as I used to be. I am no longer as soft spoke and gentlemen-like as they used to say I am. One more thing, I find myself laughing less and less, and what more, joking even lesser. What happened to my sense of humour about life? Everything that I used to pride myself with, somehow no longer seems to be there. Look at this blog, its full of sadness, discontent and helplessness. Maybe its a transition.. or maybe its a transformation from my past experiences... but wait a minute... puberty is over right?

One thing hasnt changed though.. I'm as long winded as ever... because all i'm trying to say is;

I feel confused, a bit directionless and de-motivated, and I need someone from the outside, totally unrelated to all this to talk to. Someone who listens to all I have to complain, give me a hug, a friendly pat on the shoulder and say "You've been through a lot, but everything will be OK." and in the end, tell me to come back again at any time.  I used to know someone like that, but you cant talk to your own shadow can you?

posted by Compulsive Blogger @ 1:52 pm Comments: 2