Money anyone?
People always say, count your blessings. Be grateful. Things could be a lot worse. You’re much better off compared to others. But sometimes, I don’t want to count my blessings because it seems there aren’t that many to count. Sometimes, its hard to feel grateful when there seems to many things lacking in this life. Yes, things could be a lot worse, but they are quite bad as it is. I’m much better off compared to others, but then again others are much better off compared to me too!
I don’t know… I guess I AM a natural skeptic after all.
Its not that I WANT to feel miserable or be ungrateful. But I’m at a point in my life where I’m just plain sick of all the (ahem) shit in my life. A person can only remain optimistic for so long a period before succumbing to pessimism and plain misery if one problem after another keep showing up, be it an old or new problem. I have tried to remain optimistic about my life, and about how things have gone throughout the years. I keep telling myself “Hey, its ok. It will pass and you’ll see that it wasn’t that bad in the first place!” But that waiting seems to be going on for an eternity and I’m finally wondering if this ‘bad’ time in my life will EVER pass. When is it going to end? When will some of these problems that have lingered for some years now finally be resolved? I never expected them to last until today. Top of the list, money or rather the lack of it.
Back to perhaps a year ago, things seemed bad. The problem of insufficient funds was a constant worry for me as well as my family. Up until my secondary school years, we never encountered such problems, and money worries never arise. But then, thing changed rather quickly, and fast forward to today, we are still in that same hole, having never fully recovered from it. While, others who faced similar challenges during the recession period eventually found their footing again and managed to get on with their lives, things only got worse for us. Partly due to the complicated family and marital problems that my father faced, he never really found his former footing and started anew trying to do other things to bring home the bread and butter.
But after all these years, things haven’t improved much. How are we now? Better I guess. My brother is working. So that just leaves me in the nest to be taken care of. Though I don’t doubt that my father is doing all that he can to provide, the lack of results have been a cause for concern for me. Kais pagi makan pagi, kais petang makan petang as the saying goes. With my father trying hard to find proper income, surely it’s just a matter of time before things turn better and some money becomes at hand right? Wrong. Its been months since my father got any income and I think he is equally up tight as I am about this ‘money-draught’ that seems to go on for ever. If not for the goodwill and help from close friends and extremely kind hearted people, I’m sure we would have even qualified for social welfare! (ok, maybe not. But you get the point?)
As hard as I try, sometimes, I cant help but feel bitter about this whole on-going episode of my life. I can tell you for sure, being broke and poor absolutely sucks. Why should I/We, honest, hard working, God fearing, law abiding people be made to suffer while other, corrupt, evil and crime-minded people have more money than they know what to do with it? Why is it that hard work and honesty are not always rewarded? Why is it that nice guys finish last? Lets not talk about being rich or well off, but just enough to earn a living. Doesn’t any man, having worked hard and honestly and with integrity deserve his share of rewards and payment in return? Or is it the way of the world, that if we cannot beat the them, we join them? Where is God’s justice in all of this? God has His reasons and purpose? What is His reason of not easing the suffering of the poor, hungry and sick? What is He’s purpose of not bringing justice to those with evil hearts? Or are we all to wait till we die, and wait till judgment day? Or is it punishment for sins from the past? Or are we as Christians not supposed to long for earthly desires? But I’m merely talking about having a roof over your head and having food to eat, and enough to live life properly!
I guess all my ranting just boils down to frustration. 9 out of 10 of my friends do not have to carry the burden of financial problems. They are assured of it, with fixed allowances for them to use in a month. Of course, if there was any emergency, mom and dad are just a phone call away. Their parents don’t give them cash and say “Here is some money son, make it last as long as you can. I don’t know when I will have some next, so stretch it to the dollar.” So how do you spend money not knowing if it should last you a month or a year?
How do I react when a friend buys a RM 400 shoe that he doesn’t need and hardly wears, just because he likes it?
What do I do when a friend wants to spend RM200 to buy a set of walkie-talkies just because “it’ll be cool”?
What do I say when a friend urges me to buy a RM1500 phone so that we can all “play games via Bluetooth”?
The peer pressure, I can handle. I have never been one to succumb much to it anyway. (just look at how I dress for proof!) But the value of money just seems lost to them. My friends never see me as ‘no money’ maybe because of the way I carry myself. When I speak to them, they say I seem more of the ‘got money’ type. Little do they know, a drop of money to them would be like an ocean of wealth to me.
So here I am still, eating humble pie, waiting for this bad episode of our lives to quickly pass. Hopefully, it will pass, and when it does, I will not want to forget the feeling of being poor.
When is your birhday again?
It's very strange but very true about the human spirit. My father told me a while ago that at his age and the rate of his health, his level of confidence is not as high as it used to be. His vision is one of his eyes is almost totally gone, gets tired easily and suffers from vertigo attacks (something got to do with the ears) when he is stressed or strained. He said to me that it is strange what we anchor our confidence upon, although we do not do it consciously. For instance he said, just not being able to see properly, stand a days hard work or hear as well (my dad's right ear is almost deaf) makes a person feel a lot less confidant about himself.
He told me that at my age, just like him during his time, he felt at the prime of his life, and things like health worries or death hardly come across his mind, because he was just so health in body. But i do get what he means. Examining my own moods and behaviours, i come to see that often enough, it is the little things that gradually build or break my confidence. For instance, when i put on a kilo or two of weight, i somehow become less eager to socialize with people, constantly worrying about how i look and keep thinking "Man, im fat, so malu lah!" Especially when meeting old friends who havent seen me in a while. I somehow have been 'blessed' with some friends that are extremely direct in their comments! I guess i finally understand how women feel like 90% of the time!
Another is just a simple phone call or message! Many people underestimate or are ignorant to just how powerful and significant a simple "hi, how are you doing. I'm your friend and i'm thinking of you" can mean to a person. I dont know about the rest of the world, but to me, it means alot when people just drop a message or a call to me, just to say hi. To me, the gesture says more than any amount of words can say. It tells me that i am not alone in this world, and that i have friends that care about me. It can really make the difference when you are going through a hard time, just to know that people out there have you in their minds, and hopefully their prayers.
And who can forget birthdays! I always manage to screw this one up, coz im just so bad at remembering them! But i know that everyone wants to be remember on their special day, me included. You dont want to tell people, but you kinda expect them to remember, but when they dont, your not sure to blame them or not! Conflict eh? Prime example: my girlfriend
On her special day, many people called in or messaged her to wish her a happy birthday, in fact, much more people remembered hers than mine, just a month before hers! (HMMmm!) But anyway, she was still upset nontheless, and no amount of candy or kisses could cheer her up. Reason? A good and old friend of ours had not called in yet. This friend is a special friend to us both and my girlfriend especially ecpected her to call 1st among the rest! But she didnt and as the day progressed she became moodier. Thats when invisible hands have to make things move, and Im not talking about God here! Yours truely, seeing how a potential storm could be brewing and hearts be broken, sent a message (albeit a secret one!) to that friend, and 10 minutes later, my girlfriend was giddy as a schoolgirl and happy as any birthday girl should be. Of course, i'll have to bring this secret to my grave, she can never know!
Of course, the greatest confidence builder is achivemet, pure and simple. It builds genuine confidence in people. Recognition in achievement tells us that we have done something meaningful in life, that we have done something significant and have beem acknowledged by others. Achievement doesnt have to be big and fantastic things like being a genuis student or being accepted into Harvard. It should be measure based on our own standards and abilities. if you feel that you have done you very best, there is no reason why you should hold your head high. As for me personally, i have the tendency to underachieve. Apparantly, according to my father, i should be achieving more things in life because i have the potential. But how does he know? How am i supposed to know just how much potential i have?
Well, while i go and try to achieve greatness to build confidence, ill take the smaller things as they come. Im glad that friends call me, remember my birthday, call me out for lunch, even if its belated or once in a blue moon.
Chatting anyone?
Is it possible to call someone your soul-mate even if you’ve never met them? Is REALLY possible to have an online/distant relationship with someone you haven’t even met in your life? What are all this stories of people meeting online and eventually getting married all about? People who profess to have found their soul mate or life partner online, even if they haven’t met them? How many people out there have actually went out and meet the people they know through the internet? How many of the people you get to know online have you met? I’m curious to know the statistics.
Do you consider your online friends true/real friends?
Meaning, do you consider someone that you’ve never met before a friend of yours? Or is he/she merely an online friend? Which brings me to another question.
Do you need to meet a person before calling them a friend?
I think that we already have enough on our hands trying to figure out which among the people around us are our true friends, let alone trying to figure out about someone we’ve never even met.
In all of these years of my online life, the majority of people that I chat with are the people that I know personally. I have never understood how people enjoy random chats on mIRC etc without having anywhere or anything to begin with. What do you chat about? What do you say? Even worse, what are you NOT supposed to say? We are supposed to be careful and not share too much details with strangers, but how are we ever supposed to have a meaningful conversation without ever disclosing something intimate? How are we supposed to know if the other person is also being honest? The few times that I have attempted to have a random online conversation, I either ran out of things to say in the first 5 lines or found myself lying profusely about my interest etc. Strange?
Of course, these have been a few minor exceptions.
For example:
I started chatting with this person through ICQ. Lived in Damansara. Apparently from a loaded family with lots of freedom and little friends. This was way back in Form 4 by the way. So we chatted on almost a daily basis, and before I could even make a move, this gal offered to chat on the phone. I was like “Hmmm, why not, after all who knows what could happen. I’m single, so is she right?” So we exchanged numbers and talked on the phone, and for quite a long time too. It’s a little strange sometimes how we can talk for hours with a new friend but struggle to find things to say to other good friends that we have known for a long time. But I digress.
We exchanged all sorts of stories about our lives, and things seemed genuinely well. We got along well, could chat about many things, both were English speaking a.k.a Bananas and felt comfortable talking to each other. She told me about her beautiful friend who was good looking enough to be a model, about her lesbian sister in New Zealand, about her friends accidentally flashing their breast while playing pool, about her stumbling across her father’s pornographic vcd collecting blah blah blah…. So one day we decided to take the next step and meet each other, but not alone. I brought my buddy Saiful with me and we were supposed to meet at PJ at some Charity Carnival in a Church. I was kind of nervous. After all, you never know how things could turn out right? I mean, this could be my future happiness at stake! :-p She was available, spoke good English, nice to talk to and (from her picture) reasonably good looking. Plus she was very straight forward and honest, something I appreciate.
So arriving at the place, I couldn’t really find her and gave her a call. As she my sight to where she was standing, I saw her. Confusing, shock, guilt, anger and embarrassment all set in. As I walked over to them, I was part hoping that I got the wrong person or that I’d wake up any moment from a very bad dream. I could see the smirk/about to burst out in laughter look on my friends face! Now, I don’t want to sound shallow or anything, but this wasn’t totally what I had in mind. I wasn’t expecting a Ms World look-a-like. I merely expected her to look like what I saw in the photo. Average looking, medium built. But this person in front of me was HUGE! As tall as I was, and almost surely, bigger built than me! What was worse, she wore tight fitting cloths so as to accentuate her bountiful curves! When she said she was of medium built, I didn’t know it meant BIG!
She introduced me to her friends, all of whom shared a similar look (read: also big!) and when she introduced me to her ‘good looking enough to be a model’ best friend, I almost fell flat on the ground. I didn’t know she was referring to plus sized models. Now, just to stress that I’m not a pig head, I do have plus sized women friends, many whom I enjoy talking to, but in this case I felt somehow misled. From the picture she sent and the things that she spoke about herself, this wasn’t what I expected. I felt misled because I was totally honest with her about myself plus my physical flaws, but I couldn’t help but feel that she conveniently left out a few details about herself! The picture she sent was only face level and what was all the stories about all the guys that we going after her and her friend?
But after that, I did continue talking to her online and even went out with her and her friend for a movie and drink. But after that, I kind of lost heart and the calls got lesser and lesser and the online chats eventually stopped. Does that make me a pig? Male chauvinist? Shallow? I don’t know. But I certainly felt misled!
So back to my original questions, to me the internet is surely a great way to meet new people. It’s refreshing to talk to someone new, provided that they are sincere and honest, which I think is rare. I get the impression that in the chatting circles, majority are men, trying to find girl to get lucky with, or just interested in talking sex, and in return, the number of approachable women on the net are lesser, having learnt from experience. I certainly am not interested in talking to a guy (stranger) randomly on the net, unless there is a clear common interest. I would only consider someone a friend if, at the very minimum, I have met them and know them personally to but a face to a name.
Lonely?
I think every single one of us, young or old, black or white, chinese or Indian or Malay, fat or thin, will all share something common, which is that, no one likes to be lonely, and unfortunately, all of us have at some point in our lives, feel terribly lonely.
Also another interesting thing is that, we feel lonely sometimes, eventhough we are surrounded by lots of people. Not that we have no one around to talk to, or to share with, or that we have no friends to socialize with. But have you ever found yourself shying away from the people around you, not sharing your feelings or hiding how you really feel, because you just know how they are going to react, or that they will brush it aside, being more concerned about their own feelings? The people in our lives, so closely associated with us, perhaps become ever so slightly less sensitive to our feelings maybe? Or is it that maybe we have told these things to the people close to us, and, not wanting to tell the person the same thing twice, just avoid doing so? But then, for some reason, you just need to unload your burden again to a willing ear?
Naturally, we try to avoid repeating ourselves again and again to the same person right? And when there is no one else to talk to about the burden in our hearts, what happens? Thats when you get lonely. Thats when you feel that no one in this world truely understands you, because how could they, when they dont even know how you feel? How can people close to you claim they know you, if they do not know?
Is it any wonder the internet is so popular? How many people are there out there, staring at their computers, hoping to just find a willing listener? How many people out there actually keep blogs hoping someone reads them, and understand how they feel? How many people are hoping to reach out and establish a connection with someone, anyone, just to avoid feeling so alone?
As of just now, ive counted one.
