Money anyone?
People always say, count your blessings. Be grateful. Things could be a lot worse. You’re much better off compared to others. But sometimes, I don’t want to count my blessings because it seems there aren’t that many to count. Sometimes, its hard to feel grateful when there seems to many things lacking in this life. Yes, things could be a lot worse, but they are quite bad as it is. I’m much better off compared to others, but then again others are much better off compared to me too!I don’t know… I guess I AM a natural skeptic after all.
Its not that I WANT to feel miserable or be ungrateful. But I’m at a point in my life where I’m just plain sick of all the (ahem) shit in my life. A person can only remain optimistic for so long a period before succumbing to pessimism and plain misery if one problem after another keep showing up, be it an old or new problem. I have tried to remain optimistic about my life, and about how things have gone throughout the years. I keep telling myself “Hey, its ok. It will pass and you’ll see that it wasn’t that bad in the first place!” But that waiting seems to be going on for an eternity and I’m finally wondering if this ‘bad’ time in my life will EVER pass. When is it going to end? When will some of these problems that have lingered for some years now finally be resolved? I never expected them to last until today. Top of the list, money or rather the lack of it.
Back to perhaps a year ago, things seemed bad. The problem of insufficient funds was a constant worry for me as well as my family. Up until my secondary school years, we never encountered such problems, and money worries never arise. But then, thing changed rather quickly, and fast forward to today, we are still in that same hole, having never fully recovered from it. While, others who faced similar challenges during the recession period eventually found their footing again and managed to get on with their lives, things only got worse for us. Partly due to the complicated family and marital problems that my father faced, he never really found his former footing and started anew trying to do other things to bring home the bread and butter.
But after all these years, things haven’t improved much. How are we now? Better I guess. My brother is working. So that just leaves me in the nest to be taken care of. Though I don’t doubt that my father is doing all that he can to provide, the lack of results have been a cause for concern for me. Kais pagi makan pagi, kais petang makan petang as the saying goes. With my father trying hard to find proper income, surely it’s just a matter of time before things turn better and some money becomes at hand right? Wrong. Its been months since my father got any income and I think he is equally up tight as I am about this ‘money-draught’ that seems to go on for ever. If not for the goodwill and help from close friends and extremely kind hearted people, I’m sure we would have even qualified for social welfare! (ok, maybe not. But you get the point?)
As hard as I try, sometimes, I cant help but feel bitter about this whole on-going episode of my life. I can tell you for sure, being broke and poor absolutely sucks. Why should I/We, honest, hard working, God fearing, law abiding people be made to suffer while other, corrupt, evil and crime-minded people have more money than they know what to do with it? Why is it that hard work and honesty are not always rewarded? Why is it that nice guys finish last? Lets not talk about being rich or well off, but just enough to earn a living. Doesn’t any man, having worked hard and honestly and with integrity deserve his share of rewards and payment in return? Or is it the way of the world, that if we cannot beat the them, we join them? Where is God’s justice in all of this? God has His reasons and purpose? What is His reason of not easing the suffering of the poor, hungry and sick? What is He’s purpose of not bringing justice to those with evil hearts? Or are we all to wait till we die, and wait till judgment day? Or is it punishment for sins from the past? Or are we as Christians not supposed to long for earthly desires? But I’m merely talking about having a roof over your head and having food to eat, and enough to live life properly!
I guess all my ranting just boils down to frustration. 9 out of 10 of my friends do not have to carry the burden of financial problems. They are assured of it, with fixed allowances for them to use in a month. Of course, if there was any emergency, mom and dad are just a phone call away. Their parents don’t give them cash and say “Here is some money son, make it last as long as you can. I don’t know when I will have some next, so stretch it to the dollar.” So how do you spend money not knowing if it should last you a month or a year?
How do I react when a friend buys a RM 400 shoe that he doesn’t need and hardly wears, just because he likes it?
What do I do when a friend wants to spend RM200 to buy a set of walkie-talkies just because “it’ll be cool”?
What do I say when a friend urges me to buy a RM1500 phone so that we can all “play games via Bluetooth”?
The peer pressure, I can handle. I have never been one to succumb much to it anyway. (just look at how I dress for proof!) But the value of money just seems lost to them. My friends never see me as ‘no money’ maybe because of the way I carry myself. When I speak to them, they say I seem more of the ‘got money’ type. Little do they know, a drop of money to them would be like an ocean of wealth to me.
So here I am still, eating humble pie, waiting for this bad episode of our lives to quickly pass. Hopefully, it will pass, and when it does, I will not want to forget the feeling of being poor.
posted by Compulsive Blogger @ 9:17 pm
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