Forthnights

My mom and me

Today, i sent my mother to her doctors appointment. We rode on my motorbike to the clinic (took about 40 minutes!) and promptly arrived to see the doctor. But before we went in, we had to wait at the lounge before being called in. As we sat down on the couch, i couldnt help but notice the other people there to see the doctor also. There was another couple there. A young lady with an elderly man, and there was a lady, alone sitting further away. I wondered just who among these people were here to to the doctor and for what reason. It made me think that, maybe mental illness is not such a rare and odd occurance afterall. Maybe my family is just like other families as well. That mental is not a freak of nature, but something that could happent to any family afterall. It was both a comforting as well as a scary thought for me. ANY family. Even my own future family? The thought of that just sends chills down my spine.

The others around the room also couldnt really help staring at my mother either. She was having her regular twitches due to the side effect medicine. I have come to partially ignore it, not wanting to make a big deal out of it and give her additional stress. But most people who pass us by or see us cant help but stare at my mothers twitching. At the petrol station, at an eatery, walking on the street. My father used to try to get her to stop doing it. I understand, because it may be a little embarassing at times. But i realised that if this is how we felt, my mother would have felt it even more. At the clinic, i immediately wondered if she was aware that people were staring at her. I refrained from telling her to stop or commenting about it, not wanting to make her self conscious. I somehow came to the conclusion that she should not have to feel embarrased about it. if those staring have a problem, its theirs, not ours. I know one of the big reasons my mother isnt too eager to go to church is because of her side effects. She told me herself that she's so malu (embarrased) to go to church, because then people would know that she is 'psychiatric case' I realised that this is not easy for her. From then on, i felt responsible to 'shield' her from these hypocritical church goers.

This easter and Good Friday, when i brought my mother and girlfriend to our old church (where my parents were married), we were approached by a couple that knew my parents in their youger days. To my mother the uncle said "Your son is a fine young man." but to me he quitely said "Your mother has put on alot of weight" Now, maybe im being a little to sensitive, but to me that was just plain wrong. I have never met you in my adult life, you havent seen my mother in 15 years, and the first thing you say to me is one of criticism of my mother! Needless to say, i didnt like him one bit and made little effort to hide that.

I feel so much for my mother. She has been this way for many years. She was a nurse in her younger days, specializing in psychiatric care. She wanted to help others like her, coming from a broken family. My grandmother was also severly mentally ill. My mother grew up not knowing much about her mother, only knowing that she was crazy and was sent to Tanjung Rambutan (a government psychiatric hospital for hardcore patients). My grandfather had a second wife, and my mother was sent to live with her cousins, where she was treated more like a maid that a relative. She was first to rise in the morning, last to eat, had to wash everones cloths. (so she tells me) When she was 12, she saw her cousin being knocked down by a lorry in front of their house. According to my father, when he met her, she was already a little depressed but managable. But things became worse when she gave birth. Even though her fellow nurses and doctors told her she was having signs of depression, she denied it. Only many years later did she finaly come to terms with it. I remember when i was 8 years old and my father moved out. My mother refused to take medication, and my father left, not able to take the pressure.

My father tells me of how she would run around naked in our current neighbourhood and he had to chase her with a towel, how she received electric shock treatment (at the head) and even had to be put in a straight-jacket to control her. He told me all these things were hidden from us to protect us. I realised that my mother was truely ill for a long time. It never occured to me when i was young. Afterall, all the way till i was 8, my mother took good care of us (or so i remember), making us sleep in time, eat our vegetables and do our homework. It was my dad that was the cheating, lying husband. Suddenly i felt almost sympathetic for my father for ahaving put up with it for 10 years of marriage.

When my father finally took us away from her to stay at my aunts place, she lived alone till now. Back when i was young, i used to be terried of seeing her show up. She would come to school, argue with the teachers, try to create a scene and bring us away. I would dread everyday wondering if my mother would show up in school. Sometimes when i did see her, i would quickly run away to avoid meeting her. It felt horrible having to run away from my mother, but i was just so programmed to think that she was the 'bad guy'. She would travels for miles to come and see my brother and I, and the first question i would ask her is "Why are you here?" Only much later would i regret these thoughts and actions.

In my secondary school years, i saw little of her. Only going up north to see her during the holidays. Those times were dreaded and it took alot of convincing on my fathers part before we agreed to go. My step-mother even restricted her calls to every tuesday nights. The rest of the days were off limits. Sometimes, she would travel all the way down to KL just to see us for a day. I hated when she did that, because to me it was a nuisance. I felt that i didnt need a mother. I had been without one for so many years. She caused me so much pain and suffering, i didnt want to forgive her. In my angriest moments, i would shout at her "I hate you, and i will never forgive you for what you have done to us." I felt that all these problems in my life were her fault because she was ill and she refused to admit it. I felt that i was robbed of a happy childhood, one that all the kids around me seem to be enjoying. I felt that i didnt deserve to suffer all these heart ache, because i deserved a happy childhood.

Somehow, for some strange reason, or perhaps there was higher powers at work, i slowly changed. I anger and hatred towards my mother slowly faded away as i entered my teens. Being forced to call my step mother 'mak' (means mother) served as a constant reminder to me that i DO have a real mother, and that i was neglecting her and calling someone else mom. Her absence of her calls made me realise just what i am missing. I wanted her to stop calling, and when she eventually did stop, i found myself hating what i wished for. The trips up north because a self imposed responsibility. I started keeping her letters, reading them again and again. I hated myself for not takinga any action, leaving her to live all alone, but i was unable to act. I felt like a small boy, not able to influence the situation. So instead, i kept her letters hoping that it would not be the last i receive. Fearing that something would happen to her before something good happens to her for a change. That was when the guilt set in, that was when i started carrying an invisible, yet ever present burden on my shoulders. When i was alone, i thought of her, when i was sad i thought of her, and worse of all, at my happiest moments i would think of her. I would think to myself "Here i am having a good time, enjoying life. But where is your mother Eu-Hann? Where is she right now? Who is she with? WHile you are laughing and playing, what have you done about your mother, who wants nothing more but to stay with you and be around your life?" She said to me she was even willing to be our slaves as long as we let her stay with us. Memories like that crush your heart. But you would never know that that was going on in my mind. You would only see plain old Eu-Hann, saying his dry jokes and chatting away.

There are many things i have said to my mother over the years that i regretted. Yet, there is no way for me to take it back. I only know that i must try my best to make her comfortable and happy where she is. I plan to go to the UK to find work once i graduate there, and stay there for a good many years. Though i dont know if this plan will work out, i have told it to my mother. Her response was "When you go to UK, i will be so lonely. What will i do?" I have no answer to that. I feel torn between pursuing my ambitions and trying to make a better life for myself in the future and taking care of my mother as best i can. How do i leave her here in Malaysia and still claim i am taking care of her? How can i bring her along with me if i dont even have a footing of my own?

posted by Compulsive Blogger @ 11:59 pm Comments: 0