Im singing the blues!
So after dropping the bomb shell that he was getting divorced, my father dropped the next one that he wanted to come to our place since it was nearer to office to him. But after talking to my father and brother and making my feelings on the matter known, my father cooperated and said he would come when he really needed to.
But that didn’t really help too much since it meant he would still come anyway, and worse, my mother is already too disturbed to pretend that nothing has happened. Already, all the signs and symptoms of a relapse are there.
The more subtle signs came first; like she asking money for me from 5 years ago. Talking about things that happened 10 years ago, all beginning with the line “That day….” I always tell her that it was not ‘that day’ anymore, but almost a decade ago, but her minds seems to have difficulty in letting go. The more obvious signs of her relapse is her sensitivity towards asking about her medication. I was told by my brother to ask if she had been taking her medication, and when I asked, she became very defensive and refused to answer my question. She started messing up the house and her things. One morning, I woke up to go to the toilet and got a shock when I saw her sitting in the dark, trying to read something, wearing just her pants and bra, with no light or fan on. I asked her why was she trying to read in the dark, and why she wasn’t wearing a shirt, but she just said she could see and that she was hot. Another time, she wanted to change right in front of me without closing the door first. I scolded her, telling her to please keep some decency. She just shrugged me of as being plain difficult.
Again, she started having funny notions that her toe is injured. She walked around the house on a limp. I asked what the matter was, and she said that her leg was painful due to the shard of glass trapped in her leg from many years ago. I told her that there was no shard of glass in her leg. Yesterday she could walk just fine, but today she walked as if it was really injured. I told her it was just psychological on her part, but she didn’t want to listen to me. When I asked her what she wanted to eat for dinner, she told me to go to the near by 7 eleven to ask for free bread. According to her, she lost her RM50 there a few months ago, and we are just claiming back the money that we lost in their premises. I also found out that she has been going the nearby stall, asking for free food. I sternly warned her against going back to her old habit of begging for food and living off others. I said that her reputation and image was on the line and no mother of mine will be called a beggar.
She keeps on asking me if I ever tell my friend that she is a psychiatric case. I told her that there is no hiding it, and if they were true friends, they would understand and be supportive. She didn’t like the fact that I told my girlfriend and friend the truth, insisting that the stigma of it all will affect how people treat her. The more she talks about the stigma, the more I am tempted to tell her that the stigma really lies with her, and that it has cause HER to treat others differently, but there is little talking to her in this state.
I have mentally prepared myself to face this, since saw it coming since day one. The difficult part is predicting how long this relapse would last, and trying to do damage control, like preventing her from running away or saying hurtful things to anyone (especially my girlfriend). In my mind, I hope it last a week the most. But who knows how long it would last. When he came over today, my father got to see first hand all the symptoms of my mothers relapse. I told him that just days before he made his little announcement, my mother was rather happy. I am forced to conclude that her relapse is due to her inability to cope with the stress cause by his presence. Finally, he agreed with me and didn’t say much.
As for the motorbike, his criticism of me did stop abruptly. As I said earlier, he accused me of procrastination and not being assertive enough. He then said that he would go with me the next time to the station and he would handle the matter. Since I didn’t have to time to go, I provided him the numbers I had and briefed him on the wild goose chase I have been on. So, he said he would contact them and get it settled. 3 days later, and even till this moment, my father has had no more luck than I did. They gave him more promises than they did me, but still with no result. Secretly, I felt pleased. “Now you know. Now you see.” Suddenly there’s no more talk on procrastination and assertiveness.
On a lighter note, I went for 2 mock interviews recently, and though I was grilled and skinned alive by those professional interviewers, they did give me some good reviews and pointers on how to improve. The lady who interviewed me was actually very beautiful, but fierce as hell. In her own words, she bites. She skewed me and barbequed me like pork roast with her pointed and sharp questions, but at the end of it all, she said I was the only one that passed her grilling session, out of 17 others. She said my top strengths were my communication skills and confidence, but that I was fickle minded. At the end of the day, my mind kept on wandering off to this very beautiful but seemingly fierce lady. From the looks of her and her colleagues, I could see that they worked hard and played hard. This lady had a serious and no nonsense aura about her when she interviewed me, but when it was done and over, she was very charming and friendly, patting me on the back and apologizing if she pushed me too far. She openly told my student councillor that she was very hard on me, attacking me from all corners, but that I held on pretty well. I was delighted to hear a compliment, coming from her, the same person who turned me into pork roast.
Invariably, she reminded me of my own girlfriend. Not that they are the same, but that they both have a little similarities in personality. Both were very hard task masters, both really knew how to turn up the heat and put you in a tight spot, and trust me, I have been put on the spot by her one too many times. Both had this ‘xa chi’ or literally ‘killing aura’ about them when they were serious. You just know you shouldn’t mess with this person when you see them, and you better know your stuff if you’re working for them. I have told my girlfriend many times that people like her were natural leaders. Your attitude would lead half the world to love you to bits and the other half hate you to pieces. Both were very beautiful (to me), and when at play, you can’t find a more fun and expressive play mate. They really know how to play hard and enjoy the moment. They smile and talk to you, hug you, tickle you, pat you on the back and just generally make everything seem a notch more exciting. In the end, the picture that best describes them is that of a dragon. Beautiful, mystical, strong, proud, fierce (to the point of deadly), and doesn’t hesitate to torch you with their fiery breath of fire if you get in their way. But at the same time, they can be gentle, kind and even playful at times, and really loving actually, but sadly misunderstood all the time. Secretly, I enjoyed being grilled by this interviewer. It was somewhat thrilling being put through my paces and thankfully I managed to give good eye contact. At times, her stares were so piercing I thought she could see right through me, and it took a lot of determination and guts to resist breaking eye contact.
I related it to my friend, and he said I was lucky, since I get it all the time at home from my girlfriend, being put on the spot by this lady was nothing alien to me. Not entirely true, but he had a point.
posted by Compulsive Blogger @ 4:59 pm
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