I have someting to confess
Perhaps this doesn't quite suit the holiday spirit that we are all in right now, but I'm just going to come out of the closet and say it......I have this huge crush on this particular person; and its really just driving me up the wall emotionally.
Actually, i have been keeping it for some time now, ignoring it, hoping it would just go away but it hasn't. That crazy emotional infatuation for that one person just wont seem to go away.
Don't get me wrong, i don't plan to do anything crazy or stupid. In fact, I am really just so confused as to why i still feel this way. It feels so wrong, but i just cant help it. I have searched myself deeply and honestly, and i just know that i am deeply in love with the wonderful woman that i am with night now. These 4 years of being together with her has been trying, tiresome and at times frustrating, but from it, i have reaped the rewards of a loving, sincere and trusting relationship. I am happy, I am grateful, I am content. So how is it that i suddenly find myself infatuated by this person? How come despite knowing just where my commitment and loyalties lie, I find myself wanting so much to get to know and care for this person so much? I struggle to answer these questions. I struggle to understand why my heart is like that. Is my emotions just playing tricks on me?
I find myself liking her company. I find myself wanting to know more of her, to chat with her, to make some connection with her. What aim do i hope to achieve? I have no idea. I definitely have no intention of starting a relationship with her or leaving my girlfriend. I just feel that strong emotional pull of wanting to know her better, to know who she is and what she is about. Is that wrong of me? Should I be feeling this way? If no, how can i make it stop?
Perhaps you may already have a picture of this person in your head. Slim, beautiful, sophisticated, sexy, sweet, cute, a flirt; your typical husband snatcher or third party woman. But you'd be absolutely wrong. In fact, quite the opposite is true. Comparatively, I think my girlfriend makes for a more attractive woman physically speaking. I find myself drawn not so much to her looks, but to her person. From the very beginning, i just felt this inexplicit attraction to her. The more i talked to her, the more she seemed so appealing. Smart, witty, direct, well read and true to herself. These were the very same reasons i was first attracted to my girlfriend.
Actually, the only real turmoil and confusion is just within me. She and i remain nothing more than just friends. In fact, we hardly see or speak to each other. Occasionally, we would bump into each other in college. Sometimes i would send messages to her, but she never replies them. In fact, she has treated me like nothing more than a good but distant friend. Courteous and friendly when we speak, but nothing more. The only times we met were during college functions when we were both actively involved.
I sat on it for so long. Days would pass with me just feeling all confused and down about my own emotions. The more i sat on it, the more it became clear to me that I was attracted to this person. I knew that had i not been already attached, i would have gone all out to know her and perhaps try to start something. That though really really really scared the hell out of me.
That was months ago. After weeks and weeks, the fire died down, and i though of her less and less. Emotionally, I became more and more settled; my attention to the things around me instead of her. I told myself that i have lost nothing. I told myself even if i never see her again, i have lost nothing. Her voice was just a call away, but i resisted through sheer stubbornness to give in to temptation.
Then something happened, that surprised even me. We bumped into each other again just the other day. On previous occasions, every time we met, conversation flew readily out of me. I spoke to her a lot, simply because i liked her so much. But for some reason, this time, i held my tongue and didnt make conversation, Just "Hie.. how are you.. Take care... bye.." My friend (who knew how i feel about her) noticed. He was spot on in his analysis, saying that i was deliberately holding my tongue. I'm not sure if she noticed though.
Yes, I did hold my tongue. What surprised me was that i did it out of emotion rather than reason; and my emotion was split in two. Half of me was just bursting to ask her out for lunch and chat again. But was this emotion that gave rise to another feeling. I dont really know how to describe it. I only know that that feeling made me just want to run away from her. To hold my tongue and keep my distance. A reluctance to fall into the temptation. And for what seemed like an eternity, i resisted the urge to create any conversation with her. So hold my tongue i did, walk away I did. But for the rest of the day, i was a bundle of emotional confusion. I felt that i had done the right thing. I walked away. Good. But why do i feel so down about the matter?
It may surprise you, but my girlfriend does know that i am fond of this particular person. Just like my friend, she too can see right through me. Amazingly, she said that she isnt surprised because she too could feel that the two of them were similar, hence my attraction to her. But in her own words, she trusts me. She said that I have earned her trust, and she knows I am loyal to her. She only ask that i do not betray it. It really made me love her even more.
I'm not proud of it, but there you have it.. One of the skeletons i keep in my closet.
posted by Compulsive Blogger @ 8:46 pm
Comments: 1
