Secrets Exposed!
How would you feel if, all your deepest darkest secrets, your most intimate thoughts, and all the crazy, ridiculous, angry and frustrated thoughts... were suddenly all laid out in the open? There would be no hiding.. there would be no denying... everything that you held privately in your heart and in your mind would be exposed and laid bare for all to see.....I was out just catching up with old friends over a cup of teh tarik... she was at home.. wanting to watch a movie on my laptop.. I get a message from her
"We need to talk..."
"What is the matter?.."
"I read your blog...."
SHIT................
Now, I always knew that blogging was a double edge sword... For all these years, I knew that everything I wrote could be read and seen by anyone... but I also knew that chances are...no one would ever read them. I was counting more on the latter rather than the former when I continued pouring my heart out and writing all sorts of things here. Anyone could read them.... but no one was really supposed to.... at least no one from my immediate surroundings... not the people that make up the cast of this real life drama of mine.....
I felt violated and intruded upon. This was my deepest and most private thoughts... these were things that I wrote to vent my anger, to release some frustration, to let out some of those pent up feelings. There is a reason those things were written here and not said out straight to others.. because there were meant to be a private reflection of what is going on inside...
"Now I know how you really feel about me..." she said.
Gosh... what on earth did she read? Heck, even I can't remember what I wrote. Most of the things I wrote were just to get it off my chest and that was it... In your moments of anger, do you ever say things you don't mean? Like when you are angry or frustrated, you say and think things that later, when your nerves are calm again you think "that was so silly of me!" Not that I did not mean the things I wrote... I probably did when I wrote it..... but without knowing how, when and why I wrote these things.. all that is said is taking out of perspective. I don't know which post she read, which paragraph, or which line.... but what ever it was, it was not meant for her ears...
I sounded like a desperate kid, trying to defend myself for writing some graffiti in the school toilets.
I felt a surge of panic.... of anger..... why did she read what was on my laptop? After knowing what it was, couldn't you stop? As it turns out.. she did not read my post online.. only the most recent post that was still there on my computer.... but still.. what was there was enough to do damage to our relationship.
She felt like I have been hiding and lying to her about my true feelings on certain issues... I felt totally violated and without anymore personal space.. Like all my dirty linen being hanged outside for all to see.... To control the damage, I tried reassuring her that what was written, was in fact just pure venting... everyone gets frustrated... everyone says things out of anger... some scream it out on the spot and say hurtful things to their partners... I get on my computer and write in my blog... thats all....
Hours and hours of arguing... she basically said she just never wants to read or see those post again. Similiarly, I never wanted her to read those post. We just wanted to move away from this incident, though there was no way she would forget what she just read.
That was 3 weeks ago.. and since then, it has taken me a while before willing to take up the keyboard and blog again. It just made me start to wonder just how wise I have been keeping up this blog.. 320 blog post in 4 years. Should I stop? Should I continue? Just going through my own archives is quite a chore. What if all the things I write out in the open like this comes back to haunt me?
I don't even remember when I wrote my blog description... but it reads
"This blog chronicles my life since entering college, with tonnes of recollections from my past, thoughts of the present & hopes for the future. Most of the time, you'll read about the people i love and my struggles in trying to piece together a broken home, dealing with depression, growing up, friendship, love, frustration and occasionally pure nonsense"
At the time, I was just entering college. It was a new phase in my life....This blog signified the start of that line.. I never would have imagined would be so challenging. I struggled, I foughts.. and yes I cried too.... Sometimes, it felt like a tribute to my mother rather than about myself, since many of my post concern her.... and as I read through all the things I wrote, and can see how I have changed over they years..
Most people start a blog with a very specific reason and I just start to wonder just how relevant maintaining this blog would be. Having my girlfriend accidentally bump into my post didn't help either. Seeing how I posted less and less recently, I contemplated stopping all together. Plus, if I stopped, there was no danger of someone accidentally reading my post again.
But looking at all the things I wrote.. and how it has helped me preserve so many precious memories and emotions... even if I don't blog as often anymore, I don't think I could stop. Maybe a new blog or something.. I don't know...I'll let you know when I figue it out.
posted by Compulsive Blogger @ 10:57 pm
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