Conflicting Harmony
It's another week more to exams, i have a giant pile of work to memorize and loads of concepts, theories and formulas to understand, remember, apply and utilize in order to even hope of passing my exams. Needless to say, im in deep shit. But then, i have also spent my time watching TV, going online and doing all sorts of nonsense. I'm not sure how i'll do or if i have enough time to study. I'll just do as much as i can and let what may happen happen.
It's very interesting when you get to see what others think of you. I'm not really sure how some people form their perceptions of me, but they all seem to be consistent. I read all about what people write about others, and it seems that most people always think the same way about another person. All the testimonies have words in common, imply on the same thing and basically confirms what the person is like. Reading what people write of me is both flattering and scary. Flattering because people seem to say very nice and wonderful things about you, and somehow you feel honoured that they think so and so about you. Scary because some of the things said might not be how you feel about yourself and you start to wonder if in front of friends, you are not being yourself and that some of it are all just play acting. When i say 'you' , i really mean 'me'.
But then, i dont feel that i'm acting out a role, maybe it's just another sode of that comes out when i'm with people. Yet i always wonder if people feel comfortable around me, whether they feel free to be themselves and not need to act in a certain way just not to offend me.
My dad has lost his job in Singapore and were are without an income. My funds have depleted and i have overspent what was supposed to be my fees for next sem. I'm not sure how things are going to work out and i;m not sure if we are able to cope. we have veru limited options and are running into difficult times. I pray and hope that all will be well and that everything will be ok.
My heart is disturbed and i'm not at ease, always troubled by this issue. Sometimes, just feel like living in denial but then o cant really pretend to not feel anything. I am very happy with my life yet i am troubled by all the problems involving money, or rather the lack of it.
As you can see, i'm not really focused right now. Half feeling motivated to study hard and the other feeling totally at a lost about my studies as well as this financial issue. I hope that something will happen that will help us, but that is just a dream.
On one hand, i feel that things wil turn out eventually and that all will be ok, as things always do. But then i am feel with doubt about this confidence that i have. i dont really know for a fact that it will be ok, its just a feeling, therefore i'm filled with doubt and constant;y think about it. I feel both a conflict and a harmony inside of me about it and a great many i other things. One telling me that everyhing will be ok, don'y think its the end of the world, the other telling me that i am in a very deep and difficuly situation and that measures are not taken, i'm goin to be in trouble.
The most feared 4 letter word
There is one word that will strike terror and fear, cause anxiety and nervousness among people old any young alike. So fearsome is this word that it is nothing short of a foul word.
EXAM
Unfortunately, this is one foul word we all can never seem to get off our minds and mouth. It's 2 weeks till doomsday and i am still no more prepared for it than i was 2 months ago. My goodness, what have i been doing!? Nothing actually, lots of games, doing stuff, the usual things that keep all of us former teens but no quite adult people. Remember? "I'm not a girl/boy/whatever, not yet a woman/man/whatever" by Britney whatever Spears. Yup, it's that time of year again when we are all so worried sick about the finals but cant seem to get away from the oh so powerful pull of entertainment and leisure. We know we should be studying our brains out, yet we don't and in the end we tell ourselves, "i could have done better actually". But, still, just like me writing this blog. I know that i should instead be writing the equation for a steady flow energy equation or finding the radius of gyration of spinning gasing, but here i am writing about nothing, telling it to no one, because no one reads my site!!
It's a relieve i guess. My mind is instead occupied by my darling, about my friends, dinner and also why the word sophisticated is always written in the past tense.
BUt all this ramblings aside, the pressure of exams are starting to set. I'm trying to remember the formula for Poissons ratio.
ANyway, i got to stop, been taking to much time, have to find the various processes involved in non traditional machining.
Old friends and New HoPes
A few days ago, I celebrated my birthday. Nothing that special really, but then it was interesting to see how people remember the birthday of others. I didn't expect anyone to actually remember it, seeing how self absorbed everyone usually is, but this year proved me wrong to a certain extent. Other than the people close to me and my immediate family, I didn't think there would be anyone else that would call. As usual the people I expected to remember did remember, but not all. My dad for one didn't seem to remember. He called and spoke to me in the morning, and I just updated him on whats going on with me. But the I guess it slipped his mind.
My darling was talking about my birthday 1 month ahead of schedule and so was my brother. But a few friends that I didn't expect did give me a call. It really meant a lot to me even if it's just a call. The call meant more to me than any present could buy. After having a nice dinner with my darling, my birthday was pretty much uneventful. A few days later, it was an old friends birthday as well as a new friends birthday. A nice time to reflect on how some of my older friendships have seem to dim in a way and new friendships seem so hopeful and full of possibilities. Maybe its natural that people move on eventually. You can't expect a person to cling on to the same friend forever right? It is nice to be able to have a wide range of friends that you know from different places and all of them represent and mean something different to you. I'm grateful that some friends that I am really fond of still managed to remember and give me a call. If they didn't, I would be wondering if I was 'tepuk sebelah tangan' all this while.
But anyway, I will try to maintain old friendships, especially ones that have been a great source of joy and companionship to. New friendships, although still in the making, I will fill with hopes of possible friendships that will last. Not forgetting my darling. Yes events we are lovers, but I think we could not have stayed together for all this time without being friends right?
