Forthnights

Days come and go

Things have calmed down somewhat for me now. Since a few days ago, my mother seems to have returned to her former self. She’s no longer restless, ill tempered or behaving weirdly. I’m not sure if it’s the right word to use, but she seems kind of ‘pacified’. I guess giving her the medication personally has paid off in a way, though it was just so hard at times. Though I have not returned her keys, she has stopped badgering me about it. Ironically, that just makes me want to return it to her sooner. But I think I will give it a few more days before I do anything.

Last Saturday, I went down to meet my girlfriends Aunt. She came down with her family back to Malaysia on vacation and wanted to talk to me. I was actually a little scared, because I knew I would be talking to her on my own, since my girlfriend would not be joining us until later. I too had things to report to her, mostly about her nephew, whom I was giving tuition. But our conversation got on surprisingly well and we talked for almost 3 hours. Not bad considering I’ve only met her once and that was a year ago. She spoke of the hard times she went through when she was younger and was poor, about her best friend who also suffered from mental illness. I never asked her about any of this, but she seemed willing to share, so I listened. It made me feel hopefully about my own future despite my problems at the present. Maybe things wont be that bad in the future for me.

Later, when we were joined by my girlfriend and her younger brother, I was totally shocked when somewhere along the conversation; she said to her nephew that I was pleasant guy, very diplomatic and suave in talking. She said despite coming from such a difficult background, I was mature and had integrity. I didn’t know whether to smile and say thank you or run away and hide my blushing face. But it had been such a long time since I received a sincere compliment from someone, it really made my day.

Sunday, I went with my girlfriend to a Talent Time night organized by the college. I was strictly for freshmen only, but my classmate was the organizing chairman, so he got us tickets in. It had been a long time since I went out and immerse myself in entertainment. Such a long time since I dressed up too. It was a formal evening event, so all the men (except me) we looking sharp and handsome, and all the ladies were beautifully dressed in their dresses and outfits. The show came on with the contestants singing their heart out, dancing for all their worth there was even a guest appearance by some local celebrities, though I didn’t know who they were! :p

But for those 4 long hours, I totally forgot about all my worries, all my troubles. I was laughing, I was cheering, I was enjoying the amazing talents that were on display. I was thinking to myself; this is the last academic year I will be here. I want it to be memorable. Let me enjoy this moment right here, right now, among friends, among loved ones. Because I know that exact moment will not come again, and all that will be left are sweet memories. I went home that day feeling elated. I had been feeling down for almost half a month, and going to this event was a really welcomed break from the norm.

Monday, I had class to go to, but I didn’t. I was instead in another room. I was standing on the stage talking, and my college principal, vice principal, heads of school, department heads and about 50 other people were listening to me. It was the college inter-school debate finals. But don’t be mistaken, I wasn’t debating. Instead, I was invited by the lecturers in charge of the event to give a public speaking presentation. I had entered the public speaking competition last semester and was one of the finalists, though I didn’t win. I was kind of bitter about it, since I felt the guy who won didn’t deserve it. They needed someone to do a presentation after the debates were over, and I was called. I said yes, and as I spoke on stage, looking at all these important people looking back at me and hanging on my every word, I felt glad. I could feel my confidence go up a notch again. That feeling of worth and pride, so long missing was coming back a little. Though I know there were many others better than me, the fact that the lecturers remembered me and wanted me to speak was a great encouragement. Even a few of my fellow finalist from the competition were there. It felt good to be supported and patted on the back again. There was this one special person that I met that I really wanted to talk to, but that person had to go off. It’s almost cruel sometimes. You see only one person you want to talk, among a sea of strangers. But you are force to face this endless stream of strangers as that friendly face gradually floats away. Oh well, I guess you can’t have everything.

It seems almost a miracle. 3 good days, and just like that, life doesn’t feel like a giant anvil on my shoulder anymore. Which is also scary if you think of it carefully, since it means 3 bad days and it feels like the sky is falling again. The point is, though I’m not in seventh heaven just yet, these little little things have lifted my spirits in a very subtle way. Though the issues and problems around me have not changed or gone away, it is the change in spirits inside of me that has given me fresh determination to soldier on.

posted by Compulsive Blogger @ 7:03 pm Comments: 1