Forthnights

The days just go on and on

So its been almost a week now since my mothers relapse. Im not sure if them medication is working. I have been giving to her faithfully for the past few days, but for now there seems to be no obvious change. Her appointment is next week and i am hoping i can talk to the doctor to find out the reason for the relapse whether it was because she skipped her medication or because she was disturbed by something.

I must admit my mood these days havent been very good. As always, i am very irritable when my mother starts talking nonsense. The other day, when my friend was in my house, she tried asking some money from my friend, which got me really really angry. I gave her a angry look ans she said sorry and went away.

Im not sure how to handlings again. There is a conflict in my heart. On one hand, i just cants stand it when she is like that i sometimes scould her. For instance, last night when i was coming home, i was shocked to find her waiting for me outside the house, a few yards away, sitting on some old chair, in the dark. When i asked her what she was doing, she said she was waiting for me. I scolded her, telling her that she shouldnt do that, since it is dangerous and if i had taken another road, she would not have met me at all and she would have been waiting there for much longer. Im not sure if she understood what i was saying to her or was she just brushing it off, but she was more concerned about asking to to stop scolding her.

On the other hand, i feel guilty almost instantly after i am done. I know in my heart that i cant really blame her for what she does. I know that her judgement is not totally sound and therefore cannot hold it all against her. Yet, there are times when i feel her actions are deliberate.

The worse part if this whole thing is that she told me she sometimes have suicidal thoughts. Memories of her previous attempts at suicide came back immediately to me. I asked her if she was having suicidal thoughts now, she said no, but when she was on the old medication she did. She once told me that she thought of suicide before, but never dare to attempt it.

I told her that her life was not hers to take, and that life is worth living. SHe said her whole life has been miserable.

Im not sure how to comfort her about it. At least i know that staying with us, the tendency is lesser. But i can still see that shes not happy. When she wasnt with us, all she seemed to want was to stay with us. Now that she is staying with us, she tells me that she wants her freedom. She says that she wants to stay on her own and come visit her instead. She said staying here in KL has given her no freedom.

Forgive me if all this seems so disorganized and messy, but i am just spontaneously writing all this out. It is when i am in front of a computer screen, alone with my thoughts that i it all out. Sometimes i wonder if it is better for me to talk to someone face to face, instead of facing a cold heartless computer.

posted by Compulsive Blogger @ 11:57 am Comments: 0