Just one of those days
Its one of those days again. There are only 3 words that can explain what it is.
Relapse, relapse, relapse.
It started a few days ago. My usually snoozing mother stayed up almost the entire night, doing i-don’t-know-what. I only found out because 4a.m. when I woke up to go to the loo, her lights were on and she was just sitting there.
The next morning, when I asked her what was the matter, she said it was the tea from the previous night that kept her awake. I naively believed it.
Following day, she started talking a lot, not that this was wrong. But she was starting to talk about her house up north. She was convinced that my father had something to do with the bank confiscating her house and sending a eviction notice. She also started saying a lot of negative things. She said that there was a stigma against her since she was psychiatric and because of that, people respected her less. She started complaining about my girlfriend not saying thank you when she bought dinner and how she did say thank you when my father paid. She also complained that my cousins never even bothered to call her when meeting her before talking to me. (In Chinese custom, calling the elders when meeting them is a sign of respect).
In the middle of class, I received a call from my brother. He was worried that she might make a run for it again. She had been doing a lot of complaining about the house, about how she needs to reclaim her house by going back. I told my brother my girlfriend would be on the way home and that she could make sure my mother was ok. But my brother, stumbling over his own words and trying poorly to disguise his awkwardness said to me “No, I want this issue to stay within our family.”
*a digression*
I was pissed at that. After 4 years of being together, my father and brother and mother still considered my girlfriend ‘not one of us’. To them, she was just my girlfriend, not someone within the our family circle and not having the same rights or privileges. Just a second class occupant of my house. They forget that her Aunt, to whom I am the outsider, is helping pay for my studies now and even paying me to tutor her nephew. If not for the kindness of her heart in helping me, I would not even be able to study anymore. I feel ashamed that my own family remain arrogant, insisting that she is someone ‘on the outside’ while on the other side, I am accepted by her mother, aunt and brother with such warmth and kindness. My father keeps on saying “My last wish is for you is to see you through your studies and get your degree.” Little does he realize that my girlfriends Aunt would take more credit for it than he can when the day comes. You talk about seeing me through my education, but you have provided me no means to it. You asked me to dream big dreams; “Apply to all the universities, don’t worry whether we can afford it.” you said. But I knew deep in my heart it was all empty talk. And now, you along with the rest of the family dare criticize and reject the person who gave me that means. How daring of you. How ignorant of you. How dark and cold the shadow you cast over this wonderful person. This person that has given me rays of hope, abundance of warm assurance and pillars of support. I could feel my blood boiling, but it wasn’t the time to argue.
So, worried that my mother would run away, I went straight home. Thankfully she was still home.
She has also been complaining about me to my brother and father. I got a call from both of them individually, both expressing their unhappiness over my conduct and that “Your mother has been telling me some things about you. We need to talk.” I must admit, that got me more angry that worried. I cant stand the 2 of them try to act benevolent. The two of them are equally guilty, if not more of being unkind and manipulative of her and now that they are hardly at home, they are the Saint Guardians of what is right. When they were at home, they were the CMO.. Chief Manipulative Officers. The attempt is so pathetic it only makes the hypocrisy of it all unbearable. I know what I have done, and I’m not proud. The only thing I can think of was how I had totally lost it and had slapped her 2 months ago (previous blog), and I am ready to own up to that if they wanted to confront me. They were worried that I would vent my anger at my mother for finding out she had been talking behind my back. I assured them I would not, but then I couldn’t help but feel more annoyed at her since.
Since then, she has started acting stranger and stranger again. She took off her pants and when I asked her to put them back on, she said she was wanting to mend it. The fact the she didn’t bother to cover up was to me a clear indication that things were not right. She stopped feeding the dog, saying that the dog was a nuisance. To my greated surprised, she had actually packed her bags, ready to go. When I confronted her, she said she was leaving in September. When I asked her why pack now, she said she was considering going on Tuesday. She sometimes walks spins when walking, saying she wants to ease the pressure on one of her legs.
I have since insisted on overseeing her medication again. She has strongly denied not taking her medication and I dare not press her about it, fearing she might loose her temper, or worse, if I loose my temper. But the symptoms have told me otherwise and I hope now that I am administering her medication, she will go back to normal within the week.
posted by Compulsive Blogger @ 4:48 pm
Comments: 1
