No birthday zone
SO its birthday month for me again. Near the end of this month, on the 29th, i will have lived on this earth for 21 years. I never like people asking me what i want to do for my birthday. In fact, i have this strange reluctance in making any big deal about it. This year more so than others.I know to many, reaching 21 is a milestone A symbol of transition from rebellious raging teen to confident vibrant adult. But I dont feel any of that. I was never really rebellious as a teen anyway.
Still, i was approached by my mother, asking me to celebrate my birthday on the 19th instead. SHe said i was 10 days late when i was born. Though i know she might have meant well, but since she was giving me so much heart ache, i wasnt in the mood. I blasted her saying "Why should i celebrate my birthday? What is there to celebrate? Oh, i was born on this day, big deal. There is nothing great happening in my life that makes me want to celebrate living." I know thats a depressinng thought, but like i said, i wasnt in the mood."
Even my girlfriend insisted that we at least do something. I told her that my wish this year was for my birtday to pass quitely without any celebration or party. If she insisted that we do something, then let it just be between the 2 of us. Once upon a time, i loved celebrating my birthday with friends. I had parties, friends came over, congratulated me, gave me hugs and played till the break of dawn. I felt the need to share my joy and my life with the friends around me. But somehow, i dont want that anymore. Maybe because deep down i dont feel joyfull like i used to. Maybe its just me retreating into some sort of shell due to my family problems.
How i can be celebrating my life when i dont feel things are going great anyway? Is a birthday really that big a deal? It feels almost like a mockery on my life. Why pretend to be happy on that one day when the rest of the 364 days, things werent that great? Why put on a face of joy and happiness just for the sake of a date on the calender? I imagine having my friends comin over, presents in hand, laughing and shouting and celebrating but how do i join in the fun when inside, i am far from being in a festive mood? I cannot share the joys of being alive if in my heart i cannot feel joyful.
A birthday celebration should be about the birthday person. To me, theres no point in putting on a celebration if in my heart, there is no cause for celebration. I dont feel like celebration, i dont feel like saying "Congratulations to me,i was born today." Im not being ungrateful or self pitying. Far from it. I am grateful for many things. My health, my mother under our care, food to eat, shelter to sleep, brother, father and girlfriend, friends. I realise and appreciate that despite all the things i am missing, not all is lost. I do have things going on well in my life. For these things, i AM grateful.
But these things dont make me wake up in the morning feeling "Wow, this life is great. Im just so happy thinking about my life!" They dont make me jump for joy, they dont make smile as i walk alone, they dont comfort me when i toss and turn at night unable to fall asleep. They make me grateful, but they dont make me happy.
That is why i dont look forward to my birthday.
posted by Compulsive Blogger @ 12:08 pm
Comments: 1
