At a Lost
Times like these, I feel so sick and tired. I think from reading my last few posts, everyone can see I haven’t been in the happiest of moods. Just as I finish writing something and blogging it, something else happens. It’s getting so tiresome, I have stopped trying to write down everything I have been going through even if some of them were quite emotional to me. I just can’t stand going through one roller coaster ride after another then reliving it mentally again as I write it down.There seems to be so many unhappy moments, so many unhappy situations to deal with recently that my life feels more like one big mess. Though things are still manageable to a certain extent, I am deflated. I am unmotivated and just generally unhappy. I walk around feeling an invisible weight on my shoulder. Even the World Cup has lost its luster to me. So what if Germany and Brazil lost and England too?
I find myself at a lost. I ask myself “Am I ok?” The short answer is “Yes I’m fine.” But the true answer is “I don’t know if I am ok.” And the worst part if it all is, I don’t know how to get rid of this feeling. Maybe I should go for a holiday? Maybe I can try shouting into the pillow? Maybe I can do cooking or handicraft or pottery or origami or golf or yoga?
Actually, I’m kind of worried since reading my own blog, I seem to be suffering from a mild (or strong, I don’t know) case of self pitying. Which is another question. Am I indulging in self pity? Are my problems actually not THAT bad and its me who’s feeling sorry for my sorry ass? Or do my problems merit me to some freedom to say “My life does suck.”? I just don’t know.
But I do know this; I want to be happy again. Or at the very least, I don’t want to be upset with my life anymore. I don’t want to walk around feeling the need to share my feelings but not wanting to at the same time. I don’t want to have to force medication on my mother, I don’t want to have to worry if the money in my pocket will last me the week. I don’t want to feel everyone else is getting it good except my family. Most of all, I really want to stop believing that good things hardly ever come my way.
posted by Compulsive Blogger @ 11:37 am
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