Forthnights

Its all coming back!

I’m angry. I’m frustrated…. Again.

The feeling is only too familiar to me by now, and it doesn’t help one bit.

Last night’s party went rather well, for some of us, and for a time. I won’t get into the funny and embarrassing details of it all, only that we were all having a good time laughing and playing like we haven’t for years. I even had to shout out loud in the balcony declaring that “I love to fart!” three times for the entire neighbourhood to hear. Worst of all, they got it on video.

It all went really well, right until the end just before we were about to leave. We were sitting down relaxing. But for some reason, my girlfriend wasn’t happy. She sarcastically remarked that I was so enthusiastic about dessert made by her friend, even asking for more, while on ‘countless’ other occasions,

Now, I don’t really know what that was all about. But I did not like one bit what she was trying to imply. Why spoil a perfectly enjoyable night by arguing about this? We got into an argument and stormed off just like that and I did not give chase.

I knew there was something else that was it. It could not have been the dessert. Was she thinking that I was flirting with her friend? She said that I don’t appreciate her. She said I treated her like rubbish, taking her for granted. I don’t remember doing anything that would make her feel that way. I was boiling too. It’s a stupid thing to say. What’s the matter if I liked dessert? I eat her food with a grin on my face, even if its not that great, because I know she made it with her heart. How can she said I don’t appreciate her?

I confronted her today, and asked her if I am supposed to be proving my worth to her every other day. She said she really doubts just how much she means to me… Oh, here we go again….. We got into anther argument, a big one. This time, she admitted that she is keeping a grudge against me; for not hospitalizing my mother. So that was the matter. I was angry, because it seemed more a matter of ego than anything else. She was of the opinion that my mother should be admitted the minute she starts showing instability.

My mother has been skipping her medication again, and for the entire week, she has been behaving weirdly again, stepping over my girlfriends toes here and there. Like I said before, it has always been a sore point between us.

I told her that I would not admit my mother simply because she pressures me to do so. She said it was the right thing to do. I said that that was her opinion, but to her, her opinion is the truth, and there can only be one truth. The decision lay with me; and even if it’s the wrong one, its still mine to make, and I refused to just admit my mother like that. The day I do it, is the day I decided so, not because I cave in into her pressure. At times like this, the difference between us are just so apparent. She has always been the strong arm tactic type. Right or wrong, yes or no, black or white. I said to her that the world is not in black and white. She just says that that’s how she sees things.

Anyway, she stormed off again, which just makes me all the angrier. I hate people who think that just because their angry, they can do as they want. Then, when they cool down, they have the cheek to blame you for the consequences of their actions. “Who asked you to make me angry?” they would say. The issue isn’t that they did something. The issue is, you made them angry. I said to her bluntly, “Last night, I was angry at you. You got angry at me for being angry at you. You challenge me to fight on as if saying ‘how dare you get angry at me’. But as it its, your feelings matter more than mine. Here we are talking about what made you angry, how you feel and what I have to do to make things better. What about my feelings? Drowned out by you.” Whenever we fight, its seldom about how I feel. Its seldom about me being upset. When she gets upset, I have to go console her and say sorry. When I get upset, she gets angry at me and since her fire is much hotter than mine, I inevitably end up having to play fireman; I have to be the cooler head, to initiate reconciliation and healing. When has she ever done that? When has she ever turned the other cheek? Never.

I turn the other cheek, I swallow my pride, I turn my guard down, vulnerable to her attacks. There will come a day, when I will no longer do it.

For all that she is, she is at heart a very proud woman, which isn’t always a bad thing. Dignity and respect rank highly in her books. But to me, it comes hand in hand with ego, unnecessary pride and self centeredness.

I confronted my mother about the medication. She skirted around the issue, refusing to answer my questions. But the answer was plain for me to see. She was yet again no longer of sane mind. All the regular signs were there again. Talking nonsense, refusing to eat, stopped watching TV, messing the room, complaining and back stabbing. Her medication was missing.

I took out the spare I keep and gave it to her forcefully. I told her in no uncertain terms that I will be giving her medication again. If she refused me these 4 days, come Wednesday when the hospital reopens, I will be sending her to the doctor. I called my brother, updated him, and again, he was his usual self, encouraging me to do this and that. I didn’t even bother trying to ask for his participation.

Yes, it all coming back to me now. It seems I can’t run away from my fate. But this time around, my heart is steel. If it were just my mother, I know what to do. But having a girlfriend who is so hard headed, opinionated, stubborn and plain stubborn just amplifies the problem; especially when she just seems to hate my entire family, and my family her.

So much for bringing the year to a good end.

posted by Compulsive Blogger @ 5:05 pm Comments: 0