Forthnights

Let it be

I have to keep reminding myself that it did happen.

Just out of the blue, she came back. My mother gives me a call, asking if I could come pick her up. I told her I could not, and so I waited at home, half upset at her, half relief and happy that she came back. She knocked on the door and asked me to open it. I asked her what happened to her key. She said she gave it away. She was thinner; she lost a lot of weight, and she was obviously darker.

I opened the door for her, let her in, and tried my best to let her be. I was upset at her, all the more for showing up suddenly, on the eve of my examinations. But I was playing it cool. Actually, I was playing it cold. I refused to talk too much to her, except the bare essentials, and I kept a distance from her, only talking to her in a stony voice. I didn’t want to scold her for going AWOL for the past 2 weeks, but didn’t want to send the message that I would welcome her back with open arms either. She was obviously tired, and for the most part, I left her alone, and let her sleep. We spoke a bit, argued a bit.. she hadn’t changed much, except that she was that bit sharper, alert and compose than when we last met.

The next morning, after I woke up preparing my breakfast, we started talking, and ended up talking for and hour plus. More like arguing and debating really. We argued and argued on about the reason behind her going away. I asked her what she intended to do with her life. I asked her to imagine just where she wants to be 5 years from now. How long do you think you can keep this up? How long do you want to live like a nomad, going around, living in people’s houses? She asked what grudge I kept against her. She said she has done no wrong. I told her she thought she was never wrong. I told her she wants things her way, from who comes in and out of the house to the medication doctor prescribed. I told her off; you think you are smarter than the doctor. You self medication, you do as you wish without ever feeling accountable to your sons. She insisted that she was just here to take some of her things and she will return

In fact, she told me that she intended to only stay for a while. Again I argued on. “You feel more accountable to your friend than to your sons. You call me and tell me you miss me. But your actions have spoken louder. You rather be there, free and uncontrolled, living with your friend than be accountable to your sons here.” She said she felt like she was imprisoned her, and that she couldn’t not adjust to the life at KL. I asked her where she planned to be when she was 60 years old. She hopes that her savings and a job would be adequate. I admire her fighting spirit. I told her that her place was with her sons. I said it repeatedly “If you want to stay with us, compliance with the medication is a must. If you cannot accept that, you are free to leave. It was better that she be made to choose. I told here frankly that my first urge it to get the police and admit her into the hospital. But out of respect for her, to keep her dignity, I will let her choose. I told her that her stubbornness has and will cause a lot of hearth ache for all of us. I could have forced her into the hospital, but even all the medication in the world will not make her change her mind. The medicine will calm her down, but it can’t change her thinking; in her mind, she wants to be independent, in every sense, and the medicine prevents that. She fully knows that the medicine calms her down, but that it also makes her incapable of thinking critically. She would rather take her chances without the medication than to be dulled and incapacitated by it. She said under the medication, she couldn’t even control her sleep, and she found it hard to act on her will.

As I was about to leave for college, we argued on and on about me going to the UK. She was against it. She said that I never consulted her about the matter. She didn’t want me to take a loan and such, but mostly, she said she would miss me. I said even now, she would rather be away, what is there to miss? She said it was at least within the country. She asked when I was in the UK, how would she see me if she missed me? How would she call me? And would I return? She was terrified that I would decide to stay there and not return. She said that she breast fed me since I was a baby and that she was emotionally attached to me. As she said these words, she burst out in tears.

There I was, standing in front of my door, ready to leave. I didn’t know how to react. I didn’t expect her to say those things. My heart melted too, and all defenses came down. As much as I scolded her, as much as I tried being cold towards her, she still said those words, and I knew in my heart, it was true for me too. I love my mother, probably more than any other woman in this world. It is because I love her so much that it has brought me so much pain. I stepped forward and just hugged her and she continued crying. I tried reassuring her that my brother and I would almost ensure that she was taken care of. I said that I would most likely return after the few months that I was there only temporarily.

I knew that she was planning to leave on that day itself. She had made it clear to me that she was only here to see us and to get her things. If we cant stop her, we might as well support her and make the best of it. After talking to her on the phone, my brother and I managed to convince her to faithfully take her medication on a daily basis, even if its not really what the doctor prescribed. Better some than none. We told her to make sure she put herself out of harms way when she was up north and to call us once in a while. As I closed the door and said goodbye, I told her to take care. I was reluctant to walk down the stairs and go, because I knew she would not be there when I return. I had told her to call me if she managed to get a ticket and was leaving.

A few hours later, she gave me a call. She was leaving. She had taken the things she wanted (though most of her things were still here) and was taking the train, as I had taught her. She told me to take care, and not study too hard. I told her to call me when she arrived in the morning and to be careful. Just before she put the phone down, she said to me “I love you son.” Something I have not heard for a long long time. I admit, I could think of nothing else but my mother for the rest of the day, even now.

Something inside me just moved. My heart was disturbed. I was no longer angry at her for all that she did. I found it hard to stay angry at her and blame her for her actions. The hour long conversation in the morning was still clear in my mind. I had told her off, I had pleaded with her, reasoned with her and argued long and hard with her. I challenged her in her faith. I reminded her of the bible lessons that she used to teach me as a kid; of 2 airplanes, one new and one wrecked. She thought me that to live by faith and not by sight meant that you do what is even against the grain of your instincts and get on the wrecked plain, if that is what God has asked you to do. To live by faith is to trust that God intended for you to go on that wrecked plane, and trust that He will be there to see you through it. Similarly, despite all the calls from people around her, from us to friends, to church mates to strangers, she has stubbornly refused to surrender and submit to what God is showing her through the people around her. Instead she chooses to self medicate and do what she feels is right on her own, disregarding what others say.

In some ways, I think I got through to her. But I realised that it was better to slowly persuade her over time, rather than try to win the argument then and try forcing my will on her again. The more I tried to impose, the more she just seemed to resist.

When I came home, the house was expectedly empty. I was alone at home again. Something that had gotten used to over the 2 weeks. The silence was initially welcomed. It gave me peace of mind, it gave me freedom to do as I wish. But for the first time in these weeks, I hated the silence, and I felt lonely in it, and already I missed arguing with my mother. I wished that she was still at home. I have to remind myself that barely a few hours ago, my mother was indeed sitting at that chair. I wished that she didn’t feel the way she did. I feel a pang of sadness thinking that my mother would rather be free on her own than to be with us. Not that she doesn’t want us at all. She calls up here and there asking how am I, and I know its because she misses us and wants to know how we are. But I guess she’s just not ready to commit her whole self to living with us. She wants to be involved in our lives, but at a level and manner which suits her. I guess this is her will.

Again, I have broken my self imposed exile from blogging. But I feel for this time, it is justified. It is something I urgently needed to get off my chest and just tell someone. The only other people who know the full details of these developments are my brother and I. I told my girlfriend, but I never related everything to her. She’s too much in the picture for me to be able to relate all that I feel inside without affecting her feelings in return. She too is a variable in this complex equation of my life.

So where to from here? How will things be once 2007 is over? January comes to a close, and already much has happened. What will happen after this?

There will be an answer…. Let it be.

posted by Compulsive Blogger @ 1:12 pm Comments: 0