Unexpected friends
I heard it again today; the same words, the same reaction people give when i talk about my life."I never expected your life to be like that. You seem to cheerful, you don't come across as someone carrying so much burdens."
Thought not all of them have said it in those words, they all have the same meaning. For some reason, to them, i just dont come across as someone with a lot of things to deal with. They tell me that i seem to carry myself just fine, confident and cheerful, unlike what you would really expect in your stereotype broken home.
But really, what else am i supposed to do? Walk around as if i have a 50 pound weight on my shoulders? Though sometimes it does feel like that, the fact is, i dont think its right going around announcing to the world that you've got problems. Its like shouting "Hey, i'm down! Come comfort me!" Unlike others, i dont constantly want attention from people, though i do welcome it at times.
I have a friend who's birthday is today. 2 days ahead, he's already singing "Happy Birthday" to the people around him, subtly hinting at whats coming ahead. Come 12 midnight, he expects his friends to be around him, to send him messages, and celebrate. "Hurray! Lets celebrate me! I was born on this day, isnt that great?" Who does such things?
Anyway, my point (apart from just trashing it out) is that I'm not the sort who tells people everything. I dont carry my heart on my shoulder. My mother has run away twice, and i have only told 1 friend, and only out of need. The rest of my course mates and friends arent interested to know, it doesnt concern them, why should i go around announcing my latest trauma to them?
But i was pleasantly surprised today, by someone unexpected, who showed me that there are people out there who genuinely cares after all.
I was asked out my former work colleague for lunch, the one i worked with in college during my holidays, the one who gave me the book, the one that invited me to church during Christmas, the church i have been going to for the pass 3 weeks.
I related what happened over the week to her, and filled her in on the many many details of my family history, and for an hour and a half, she and just sat at that canteen talking, when we were really supposed to have lunch. I had class, and her lunch break was over, but we just kept on talking. I felt comforted, because this person, 4 years my senior, was just being so kind to me and showing genuine concern over what was happening in my life. She asked about my family, she asked about me, she asked about my girlfriend, how i'm coping with the whole matter, and at the end of it, she told me what i wrote earlier.
It is the small thing like these that really carry me through sometimes. Apart from the big helps here and there, it is the small caring gestures that really warm my heart. She said to me "Honestly, its a very big burden you carry. I dont know how you do it. You need someone you can talk to." Yes, i do need someone to talk to, but we all know how hard it is to find someone to listen, and so i gave up trying. I have tried finding a buddy and talk to, to feel free to say whatever i needed say. I even tried talking to that girl that i was so crazy about, and we did share a meal a couple of times. But for some reason, it just didnt seem to work out. i was disappointed really, because she seemed like a person really work knowing. But the unreturned messages and phone calls turned me off. I thought she was genuinely interested in making friends, but it turned out i was kidding myself.
Anyway, after 90 minutes of pouring my heart out to this lady, i was exhausted but happy. More accurately, i was comforted. I dont mean to offend any guys out there, but its just different talking to a woman. It always feels more natural talking about your feelings to a woman than it will ever with a man. Apart from my girlfriend, i dont really have (in fact i dont have) any other female friends i can really talk to. Its ironic. For such a long time, i have advocated having friends you can talk to apart from your partner. I encouraged my girlfriend to go out with friends, male or female, without me. To me, it can only be healthy to have a balanced mix of friends, family and partner. In the end, it is the advocate that seems to be lacking the things he advocates!
I attend a course with 95% of its students male. Is it any surprise that virtually all my friends are male? I keep my personal details, and my own family problems because for one, its personal, and secondly, guys arent interested to know such things! To suddenly be friends with one of the staff of the college seems a little strange in a way. Its not something that happens everyday, but i'm glad it did. The person i fancied turned out to be a disappointment. But instead, i find a friend in the least expected places, in the most unexpected people.
As of now, there remains no news about my mother. I still look out the door and am still waiting for her to show up at any second.
posted by Compulsive Blogger @ 4:16 pm
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