Arranged Marriages
Can you imagine yourself getting married to someone you have never even met? To meet your spouse only on your wedding day?
To put myself in those shoes for a moment, I cannot imagine how it must feel. The feeling of anticipation and excitement, but also fear and dread? Will she be pretty? Will she be sweet? Worse, will she be fat and ugly? Will she be rough and manly? Of course, we all naturally hope for the best. But closer to reality, not every bride looks like Katie Holmes. Rosie O'Donnell is a far more realistic expectation, which really crushes your heart!
Anyway, the point is, either way, you cant choose. That being said, I cannot understand just how come some people are willing to be wedded to a complete stranger.
My colleague is from India. And he did not know his wife until the day they were married. I'm not even going to ask him if they 'got it on' right on the first night. The interesting thing is, the entire arrangement was done by the family of the bride and groom. Dowry issues, compatibility according to the constellations and even their characters were discussed. The persons closest to both bride and groom will disclose to the other family about his/her, strange peeves, preferences known to them even down to how often they change their underwear... OK, maybe not the last one... The point is, the process of a couple getting married is very much a family affair. While in the traditional western culture, marriage is something of a personal decision, 80% (as quoted by colleague) of marriages in India are arranged. You dont get to pick and choose. Just tell mom what kind of girl you like, what kind of food you like most for dinner, and gud'ol mom will take care of everything.
In Malaysia, arranged marriages are something of rarity these days. No longer do our parents arrange spouses for us once we start hitting puberty. Of course there are exceptions. Most of those who do go for arranged marriages are either too old, or are extremely ineligible to put it nicely. Perhaps 2 generations ago, they were still arrange, but today, at least in the Chinese community, marriage is a personal choice. You marry the girl you love, and by that, we assume that since it is our personal choice, it will turn out ok.
But listening to this colleague of mine, I realised that there are a few good points, and marriage out of choice isn't always the best thing for all of us.
"In a normal marriage, during courtship, both sides will strive to show their best sides and hide all other 'less appealing' sides. So the courtship is sweet and wonderful. WHen you get married, you think you are marrying an angel. But after a few years, and all disguises are worn down, the reality of marriage becomes to much. Your partner is not what you expected and you wonder "What happened to the man I married." when in fact, this is his true face."
In arranged marriages, expectations are clear because families talk to each other frankly about potential issues. So when you put that ring around her hand (or thali over the neck for Indians), you know what kind of doom awaits you. So, even if she looks like a female version of Arnold Schwarzenegger (man thats hard to spell), at least you know she makes a good pot roast, is good at knitting and has a liking for potted Bonsais.
To say that you will not love your spouse because it was arrange is not entirely true either. Anyone who has been in a serious relationship will tell you that true love comes only after all the fights, after the sacrifices, after seeing the worst sides of your partner. All else before were just fuzzy feelings of infatuation.
I guess in an arranged marriage, the couple is expected to learn to love one another. And since you are married, the option of breaking up is not so easily available, and as such, both sides will put their best efforts in making it work in the long run. The concept of learning to love your partner is perhaps still new to many of us. To many of my friends of my age, love is a feeling you get. And when you find yourself having no more feelings for them, you leave and tell them 'i dont love you anymore.' They never realise that they never loved each other truly in the first place. To have feelings for someone is not the same as loving someone. Personally, I had feelings for this one particular girl a while ago, but despite my infatuation, despite liking her so much, I knew that I did not love her. The fact remained that I didnt know much about her, and you cant truly love what you dont know.
That being said, I would still rather jump off a (small) cliff than to marry a stranger. But I do think that these arranged marriages, done with the right mindset and maturity by the future bride and groom, arent bad either. Sure, its not romantic, sure its no fun (in fact its down right scary), but at least you go into it knowing what to expect. After all, it was your family who arranged it for you, how evil could they be right? Your mom wouldnt marry you to the next spinster she sees on the road just to get rid of you would she?
So all of you still into arranged marriages, a word of advice, be nice to your mother if you dont want a wife who looks like Shrek.
To put myself in those shoes for a moment, I cannot imagine how it must feel. The feeling of anticipation and excitement, but also fear and dread? Will she be pretty? Will she be sweet? Worse, will she be fat and ugly? Will she be rough and manly? Of course, we all naturally hope for the best. But closer to reality, not every bride looks like Katie Holmes. Rosie O'Donnell is a far more realistic expectation, which really crushes your heart!
Anyway, the point is, either way, you cant choose. That being said, I cannot understand just how come some people are willing to be wedded to a complete stranger.
My colleague is from India. And he did not know his wife until the day they were married. I'm not even going to ask him if they 'got it on' right on the first night. The interesting thing is, the entire arrangement was done by the family of the bride and groom. Dowry issues, compatibility according to the constellations and even their characters were discussed. The persons closest to both bride and groom will disclose to the other family about his/her, strange peeves, preferences known to them even down to how often they change their underwear... OK, maybe not the last one... The point is, the process of a couple getting married is very much a family affair. While in the traditional western culture, marriage is something of a personal decision, 80% (as quoted by colleague) of marriages in India are arranged. You dont get to pick and choose. Just tell mom what kind of girl you like, what kind of food you like most for dinner, and gud'ol mom will take care of everything.
In Malaysia, arranged marriages are something of rarity these days. No longer do our parents arrange spouses for us once we start hitting puberty. Of course there are exceptions. Most of those who do go for arranged marriages are either too old, or are extremely ineligible to put it nicely. Perhaps 2 generations ago, they were still arrange, but today, at least in the Chinese community, marriage is a personal choice. You marry the girl you love, and by that, we assume that since it is our personal choice, it will turn out ok.
But listening to this colleague of mine, I realised that there are a few good points, and marriage out of choice isn't always the best thing for all of us.
"In a normal marriage, during courtship, both sides will strive to show their best sides and hide all other 'less appealing' sides. So the courtship is sweet and wonderful. WHen you get married, you think you are marrying an angel. But after a few years, and all disguises are worn down, the reality of marriage becomes to much. Your partner is not what you expected and you wonder "What happened to the man I married." when in fact, this is his true face."
In arranged marriages, expectations are clear because families talk to each other frankly about potential issues. So when you put that ring around her hand (or thali over the neck for Indians), you know what kind of doom awaits you. So, even if she looks like a female version of Arnold Schwarzenegger (man thats hard to spell), at least you know she makes a good pot roast, is good at knitting and has a liking for potted Bonsais.
To say that you will not love your spouse because it was arrange is not entirely true either. Anyone who has been in a serious relationship will tell you that true love comes only after all the fights, after the sacrifices, after seeing the worst sides of your partner. All else before were just fuzzy feelings of infatuation.
I guess in an arranged marriage, the couple is expected to learn to love one another. And since you are married, the option of breaking up is not so easily available, and as such, both sides will put their best efforts in making it work in the long run. The concept of learning to love your partner is perhaps still new to many of us. To many of my friends of my age, love is a feeling you get. And when you find yourself having no more feelings for them, you leave and tell them 'i dont love you anymore.' They never realise that they never loved each other truly in the first place. To have feelings for someone is not the same as loving someone. Personally, I had feelings for this one particular girl a while ago, but despite my infatuation, despite liking her so much, I knew that I did not love her. The fact remained that I didnt know much about her, and you cant truly love what you dont know.
That being said, I would still rather jump off a (small) cliff than to marry a stranger. But I do think that these arranged marriages, done with the right mindset and maturity by the future bride and groom, arent bad either. Sure, its not romantic, sure its no fun (in fact its down right scary), but at least you go into it knowing what to expect. After all, it was your family who arranged it for you, how evil could they be right? Your mom wouldnt marry you to the next spinster she sees on the road just to get rid of you would she?
So all of you still into arranged marriages, a word of advice, be nice to your mother if you dont want a wife who looks like Shrek.
posted by Compulsive Blogger @ 4:07 pm
Comments: 0
