Forthnights

For a better life

I struggle to find my footing sometimes. I feel lost and without direction. Dilemmas play out in my head. Problems that seem to have no simple solution present themselves to me and it seems the problem in my life have all started over again. (not that they have ever ended in the first place) Some problems have clear, simple solutions. But the solution, however simple, is not easy to achieve. I have since learnt that something simple doesn’t necessarily mean easy, vice versa. Our financial problem, for instance, is pretty straight forward. Problem: Lack of money. Solution: Find more money. Simple right? But surely enough, its not easy. With this problem, its frustrating, because you know what the solution is, and you know what direction and what steps to take, but the results are difficult to obtain. Its like knowing what medicine to use to cure a sickness, but unable to get your hands on it, no matter how hard you try. In the end, its just plain frustrating, because the solution is staring at you in front of your face, but you cannot reach it.

Then, there are problems, ambiguous in nature, complex and ever changing with no solution in sight. These problems often involve the heart more than physical needs. It is when faced with problems like these that people get overwhelmed. For instance, what would you do if you had to chose between taking care and being there for your highly dependent mother, whom you have not spent the last 10 years of your life with, OR going abroad and find work, and fulfill your life long ambition to make a better life for yourself and your family (mother included)? To stay would mean proper care and company for your mother, but at the same time, you’d probably just slip into mediocrity and not go too far in life (this is not guaranteed though) To go would mean for the next 5 years, you’d be unable to personally care for your mother, but with higher hopes of achieving a greater amount of success upon your return (which in the end would benefit all, but again not guaranteed)

I do not have to make this decision just yet, but already, it is a considerable part of my worries. My heart (again) is torn between choices that will affect all the people in my life. My conscience tells me that I have to take care of my mother. It is my responsibility and a burden I cannot pass on to others. To go would be selfish, leaving my mother alone once again. The fact that my mother looks forward so eagerly to the day we are reunited just makes it all the more difficult. But I know that if I went abroad, worked a few years and come back, it would make a world of difference in my life in the future. I have not the slightest doubt that whatever experiences I have to gain abroad, can only serve as leverage in my career.

It has always been my dream to visit another country, to stay and to live among different people, just for the experience since primary school. I have always looked with wonder and admiration people who lived abroad and came home. They seemed so different, probably because they have seen and learnt things unique in each country. Whatever they experienced during their years abroad, I wanted it too. I wanted to know how it feels like, wanted to see for myself the way others lived, and more valuably, to learn and experience a life different from what I know and see in Malaysia.

To make a better life for myself and the ones that i love. To make a better life for my children, my spouse and my parents from the one that we had to experience in the past.

posted by Compulsive Blogger @ 6:39 pm Comments: 0