Forthnights

LIFE is CRAp

What a time im going through now. Have you ever hear what people like to say about buses? That they never seem to show up, but when they do, they come all at once. Well, thats how it seems like for me now. The things that have happen around me have just all happen almost at the same time. It is just so strange that when things happen, they happen at the same time. Whats worse, its just so damn overwhelming having to face all this probs. I can really feel it affecting me. I smile and laugh less often, im more easily irritated, my patience is at an all time low and the only time i do not feel even a little miserable is when i'm asleep.

To briefly account what happened after my mother left, i went down to Pudu raya with my father to try to look for her, but to no success. With nothing left to do, we went home. It rained that night, and i was hoping so much that she was already on the bus back up north (that being the destination we guessed). I was so worried if she was still in KL, in the rain and on the streets. The next morning she called me to tell me that she is already in KL, but she needed the key to the house. I was angry yet curious to know how she managed amazingly travel 350km across the country with nothing but the clothes on her back. That night, i set out with my father to go up north to somehow persuade her to come back to KL, for the second time in a row in 2 weeks.

There are many things to say, but i'll just stick to the basic essential details

When we arrived 5am in the morning, it was raining, and my mother was lying down on the floor on the cement floor. I was too angry to say anything so i held my tounge and opened the door. Inside, I told my mother the reasons she couldnt be there. I told her that she missed seeing my brother and I growing as teens, and if she stayed there, she'd be missing out on us as young adults too. Later, i found out from her that that statement pierced her very deeply as a mother, and that was what made her agree to come back. So barely an hour after arriving, we made the long trip back to KL.

It was also the first time that my father and mother have met since 10-12 years ago. Since their seperation, they never met and seldom spoke. To others, having their parents together in one place is the most natural thing, but not for me. Suddenly, i am looking at my father, AND my mother. Something i never expected to do again. We sent her back without incident.

My mother told me that one of the reasons she ran away was because she felt abandoned. We took all the trouble to bring her and put her in the home, yet didnt visit her. But she specifically said my brother didnt visit her. She felt abandoned. I was surprised when she told me my brother didnt come to see her for 2 weeks! She specifically requested that we go and see her at least 2 days once, or on alternate days.

The car my father borrowed from my uncle broke down last week, and the repairs cost RM1200, which we obviously didnt have. My brother forked out his savings, and we paid half of that amount and got the car. The home then chased my brother for this months payment for the home, which my brother no longer has. For that reason too, my brother has refused to go and see my mother. Which is also another problem.

He has been so 'busy' that he has not been going to see my mother, eventhough he too is living in PJ and has a car! I dont even have a car, and stay 30kms away, relying on public transport, still visit her twice a week. When my father and i ask her to go visit her, he gets all defensive, and says he's too busy, and that my mother is being too much and too demanding. I can almost blow my top just thinking about it.

Afterall, it was my brother who got all righteous on us, saying it is the right thing to do bringing her down to KL to take care of her, and we better do it before its too late. It was he that was the chief advocator, he who challenged my father and i when we presented him with some of the potential problems. His intentions might have been good, now he has totally left all responsibility expect financial ones to us. This is not the first time this has happened (read my previous blogs) and my brother has once again neglected his responsibilities , and still manage to portray and think that he is the noble and righteous one. He's too busy to drop by and visit her for half an hour, in PJ, where he lives, but is NOT too busy to go ALL THE WAY to Cheras to play badminton!! Shit him.

My dad is slumping into a grieving process/depression, since he moved in with us. He has been trying for 2 months to earn some income through this one investment company for which he is a sales consultant, but without success. The company pays consultants purely on a commision basis and has no base salary. Its been 2 months, day in day out my father makes calls, tries to get people to invest, but without any results. Needless to say, we are now officially broke. My dad is even weary of bringing potential clients out for lunch or meeting in far away places, due to cost. He's also depressed about his (apparently) failed marriage. 3 years ago, my father made a decision to leave his first malay wife, and stick with this second. But things didnt work out on the second on too, and now my father is bitter and resentfull because of the sacrifices that he had made over the years all come down to this.

Study wise, i have a strong feel that i have failed 2 subject in my previous semesters. i have started giving tuition to earn some money to survive. I now have to tend to my father and his depression, visit my mother as much as humanly possible to keep away her loneliness, spend enough time with my girlfriend so that she wont feel neglected, deal with my ego headed stubborn and self righteous brother, give tuition to survive, study to not fail my studies, try to make space for 5 (me,gf,bro, father, cousin) in my 2 room flat, and mind u, the 5 dont really get along well with each other, and to top it all, a dog to take care of, with shit and urine to be cleaned almost solely by me throughout the day. Oh, did i mention we are broke? :-)


All these are not even half of what i'm thinking of right now, but this will have to do. To say that these are bad times would be a gross understatement. Everwhere i go, i feel an invisible pressure on my shoulders, reminding me that things are not going well, and i have no idea how long its going to stay that way.

posted by Compulsive Blogger @ 7:00 pm Comments: 0