Forthnights

Love and dating

Love seems to always be an interesting topic to everyone.

Just the other day, a friend of mine was just asking me why the friend around us were dating. Was it because they see all their other friends dating so they too want to try it out? How does a guy go about courting a girl he fancies but has totally no connection with? How do you know if you are getting into it for the right reasons?

Short questions, but no short answers. For starters, i feel that many of my younger generation get into relationships for all the wrong reasons. It really seems like we all are really dating for dating sake. Some friends of mine (along with my brother when he was in college) made a conscious decision not to date while they were studying. They didn’t want to handle the problems that come with it, or the responsibilities that entails it. (Quite a grim outlook on love if you ask me)


Why do we want to go dating?

For some others, its simply because it just hasn’t happen yet. This mostly applies to girls; waiting for the right guy to come along maybe. But to me, it’s not exactly wrong all the way to date for dating sake.

My reply was that i guess it was just the most natural thing to want. You reach a time in your life where the opposite sex just seems so much more interesting that your regular kaki's. Which is ok really. To me, its our instincts kicking in. I dont think any of us who have feel in love can really forget how it feels like to fall head over heels for someone for the first time. The feeling of being on cloud nine, the sweet but tormenting feeling of missing that special someone, the euphoria of finally meeting that person and of course that surge of electricity you feel in your hands the first time you hold her hand. Aaaahh.... the sweetness of a budding love. (Of course I cant tell you that all those quickly wear out 6 months later and what you are left with is a more than demanding and very expensive to maintain girlfriend who nags at you for not combing your hair often enough.... Ooopps)

Yes love is sweet at the beginning, as many of my friends have come to learn and enjoy, but there are some of them (one in particular) who is only starting to comprehend just what they have gotten themselves into. A friend of mine joked that its like a fly caught in the webs of a black widow.. or a delusional male praying mantis going after the female Mantis. She looks sweet and vulnerable now, but wait till dinner time and see what’s for dinner! I’m starting to think women are a little psychic. They always seem to know if you’re lying, and they (almost) always know which buttons to push to get what they want. Sometimes it’s the impossible-to-resist kitten eyes which you just can’t say no to. Other times it’s the red eyed-fire-breathing dragon lady which again, you just can’t say no to, unless you are willing to go the next 2 month without so much as a peck on the cheek.

But seriously, the fuzzy feelings of love aren’t to be taken lightly. It wasn’t only until I was in a relationship did I realise I wasn’t quite ready for it. So you learn along the way and pick up bits and pieces of wisdom. I’m lucky that learning process hasn’t cost me more that I can bear (yet), but I still have a lot to learn. The real problem with that fuzzy feeling is, it can really get you delusional, just like the fly and the mantis. Like they say, love is blind. Love and sex can give you a sense of false closeness and familiarity. Being in love for the first 6months to a year, everyone thinks they have found their soul mate. How many times have we heard friends say “I know its only been xxx months, but it feels like I’ve known him all my life!” Familiar? I bet every one of us has either hear it or said it ourselves before. I think maybe at some unconscious level, we are just so eager to be swept off our feet, to believe that we have really found that special someone, so we try to convince ourselves with all sorts of reasons that we and that person share a special bond. The reality is, we don’t know that person at all. We are crazy of each other yes, but we don’t know each other that well, and to get there it’s the old fashion time and effort. No past life partner, no match made in heaven.


How does a guy go about courting a girl he fancies but has totally no connection with?

A very very interesting question, the answer to which I am sure many men want an answer for. I understand why he asked me this. Because on countless occasions, he’s always coming in contact with women he’s not interested in, and the ones he IS interested in; the more eligible ones never seem to cross paths with him. To illustrate, there was once he and I were watching a performance in our school cafeteria. Across the crowd, he spotted a very beautiful girl, the kind that sends goosebumps down your spine the minute she looks your way. Well, that how he felt at least. I didn’t fancy her too much since she was so skinny! But anyway, the thought of that girl stayed with him for the next few days, and he thought of little else. We talked about it, and the question was, if he wanted to get to know that girl, how could he possibly do it?

First problem was, my normally talkative friend becomes some sort of mime (read = shy) whenever he’s around a pretty girl. Secondly, we don’t even know who she is in the first place! We came up with all sorts of ideas. He could just walk up to her and chat her up but it seemed too direct, and with his body size (quite big) she’d probably be frightened away. He could try to find out her course of study and get some remote friend to do an intro, but it meant announcing his interest to the whole world. Lastly, and most desperately, some willing friend would act as a thief/pervert/stalker and disturb the girl. Then, my friend would heroically bash the said accomplice, save the day and get the girl, just like in the movies! But that was something more out of Hollywood.

In the end, since none of our plans were feasible, he gave up his little infatuation for our nameless girl. He then asked me how I or other friends ended up with our girlfriends. I told him it was mixture of fate, opportunity on the part of God, sincerity, courage and a very thick skin on our part.





What if she says NO?

He said he was terrified of being rejected, that if he asked, she might say no. I said to him firstly, a woman’s heart can change, especially when faced with a man whose bearing his heart and soul for her to see. Secondly, you don’t ask DA QUESTION until you are absolutely sure the answer is yes. Long before you verbally ask her, you should already know the answer. As I understand it, women are born experts in reading and sending out subtle messages via body language. Unfortunately for us guys, we are as sensitive as a stone when it comes to it. If you ask her out (just the 2 of you) and she says yes, it’s a sign. If every time she calls you she’s available, it’s a sign. If SHE calls you or asks you out, its not a sign. Its an announcement of intent. Problem is, women don’t always tell you what they want. They leave hints here and there for you, and most of the time if you are as sharp as a hammer (like me), you wont pick it up. But in the end, women too learn how men function and, having a big heart, they usually stop hinting at you and just hit you with the whole truth, either she announces she already has a boyfriend, or you’re not her type, or she’ll just ask you (like my girlfriend did)

“Do you have something to tell me?”
“What do you mean?” I ask.
“I think you know what I mean.”
“Eeeerrrrrmm… i….sort...of.. you know la…..”
“I don’t know… tell me.”

Just a few lines of careful manipulation, and I was spilling all the beans to her about how I feel. Man, women are masters at this game.

Anyway, the point is, if you’re sharp enough, you’ll know whether the answer is yes or no without having to ask. She’ll show it to you in a million and one subtle ways. She’s make a cup of coffee for you without you asking. She’ll buy a shirt for you and ask you to wear it when you go out, she’ll brush shoulders with you or even hold your hand (only for the clueless). If its no, she’ll always have a friend when you go out with her. She’s not always willing to chat with you, she doesn’t return your calls or she talks non stop about her boyfriend (whether real or imaginary)

How do you know if you are getting into it for the right reasons?

Different people would have different answers. Some say its only if you are serious and intend to settle down. What’s the point of just dating for dating sake if it leads to no end? But my immediate question to them is “How do you know you want to settle down with a particular person unless you start dating?” I don’t think anyone can confidently start a relationship knowing that they intend to settle down with that person. I DO believe that everyone should go into a relationship, eyes wide open with the intention to develop the relationship to whatever ends it is fate to have, whether it leads to a break up or marriage (which is another beginning).Others do less deliberating and just follow their feelings. I don’t know if there is a one right reason to start dating, but I do know the WRONG reasons for dating. If you first decide you want a girlfriend then, look for a candidate, that’s wrong. If you want sex, that’s about the ‘wrongest’ (cant think of a proper word) reason. If you want a girlfriend because you feel lonely, its wrong because you enter the relationship with a selfish intent. If you want a girlfriend because all your friends are dating, that’s not just wrong, its plain stupid. It means you are a spineless sotong (malay for squid) not capable of deciding what you want. I guess the most natural reason to start dating is, you just cant seem to stop thinking of that person. All you want to do is be around her/him, talk to them, hear their voice and be beside them. The next thing you know, you are like peas and carrots and effectively dating. All that’s left is the formality of asking. But I said natural reason. It may not necessarily be a right reason. In the end, its really up to the individual i guess. Being in love is almost synonymous with being crazy. You do things that sometimes just dont make sense, and despite all reasoning, your heart still tells you you're doing the right thing. That when you know you've been hit by the love bug my friend!


So, that my 2 cents worth!

posted by Compulsive Blogger @ 4:36 pm Comments: 0