Forthnights

Who's problems are you talking about again?

Just yesterday night, my girlfriend was relating her conversation with her aunt in the UK. She had called to find out how her niece and nephew were doing.

In their conversation, my girlfriend told her aunt about how her brother and her was doing, as well as me. She told her that I have been facing a lot of hardship at home, especially with my mother. Her aunt was sympathetic, relating how one of her own best friends suffered the same problems as my mother. She said, as youngsters, we should not be struggling as we are right now. We should be out enjoying life and enjoying being young, not struggling day to day with matters like this. I couldn’t agree more myself. There is nothing I wouldn’t give just to be like other people my age, with normal problems; how to ask your dad for money when you overspend; which mp3 player to buy; how to borrow the car for the weekend.

“Sometimes, you just have to be selfish.” Her aunt said.

“What do you mean?” she asked.

“I am selfish. Selfish for you.” She said.

Her aunt told her; she should mix around with more people, increase her circle of friends, and not be too bogged down by my problems. If not, she would be affected in turn.
I’m not quite sure how to reach to that. I can appreciate her watching out for her niece, and it’s only natural for her to want the best for her niece, and not want her to be affected by problems that are essentially not hers. I know if I ever was in the same position, I would say the same thing.

But it did make me realize some things. All of the problems that she and I have been facing together ever since I entered college have been really my problems. My problems with my mother have dated back to when I was just a kid. My financial worries all started out in 1997 when my father lost his last proper job. Ever since then, the question of not having enough money has been a permanent feature in my life. My girlfriend has the backing of her aunt, who helps and supports her when she needs money. Her mother is staying outside, coming once a month to see her, contented at where she is, and her brother stays in a shelter home. I tutor him once a week, again paid by her aunt. But because she stays with me, she has had to face my mother, my brother as well as my father.

Whenever ‘we’ are financially tight, it’s because I have run out of money before my brother of father can give me more. Whenever ‘we’ are facing problems at home, its because of my family problems. I realize on my own that these problems don’t belong to her, they belong to me. Then I understand why her aunt said she didn’t want her niece to be too troubled by my problems. The only reason she was putting up with all this first hand was because she wanted to be with me.

I told my girlfriend frankly “I have no right to ask you to put up with all of this. This is my life and my problems. I don’t get to choose how my mother will be, I don’t get to choose if my father has a job or not. These are the things given to me in life, and I have to face them. But you have a choice. You don’t have to face them with me because like your aunt said, these are my problems.”

I bare no grudge against her aunt for saying that. For all she has done for me, I can only remain grateful. As for my girlfriend, I am touched that she has remained by my side and made my problems hers, and my joy hers. But suddenly I feel so lonely, so alone. As if God the plot decided to drop me off in the middle of the desert. Though she remains there by my side, though friends are there to offer their support, at the end, I still face what is coming alone. It is not their mother that is ill; it is not their pockets that are empty. And though they offer their sympathies and advice, lips service is free and of little value. There have been only too many times that seemingly good hearted friends show their concern to my family problems, people who claim they are really concerned about us, people who offer their money and time to help out, only to be conspicuously missing when it mattered most.

In all honesty, I am just plain angry at this life. It feels unjust and unfair. While sometimes, the whole situation just gives me the blues, at times like this, I just feeling like shouting out to God and say “I WON’T be beaten by you. You just watch.” Blasphemy I know, but I just can’t help but feel as if God deliberately put these obstacles in my way. There seems little I wouldn’t do now to beat the odds and crawl out of this mess. I long for the day when I have made it and life is good and say to myself “I have been through worse and I have made it despite what has happened.”

Some say the problems that we face make us what we are. But I don’t agree.

And that’s something I intend to make come true.

posted by Compulsive Blogger @ 7:19 pm Comments: 0