Forthnights

Just a whole lot of whining

Life can be so tiresome at times. Reading my own blog, i see that i do alot of whining. Well, heres just some more of the same things.

As i saiod earlier, i have been keeping my distance from my mother ever since she came back. I have not been overseeing her medication, or buying her meals for her. Shes being doing those things on her own. Though i speak to her once in a while, she mostly minds her own things while i do my things. I dont tell her when im going out and neither does she. Its almost like living with a stranger.

But the minute my brother came back this weekend, she was a whole different person, laughing and talking with my brother. To a certain extent, i do understand why this has happened. My brother and her seldom see each other, hence the warmth when they meet. As for me, since i have deliberately been keeping my distance, she doesnt talk much to me. The minute my brother went off, she closed her door and just kept to herself in her room. The few times we did talk, we nearly argued. She was taking a hit at me, critizing me, saying i was like a slave to my girlfriend, fetching her here and there, washing her laundry and stuff.

I got really angry at this, and i just told her i wasnt interested to talk to her. I said if she has anything to say, save it for my brother.

Ever since the arguement broke out between my girlfriend and my mother, they have not spoken. My mother has said openly to my brother that she cant talk to her and my girlfriend has said she will not talk to my mother. The whole situation just upsets me, since the 2 are terrible stubborn.

I have had many fights with my girlfriend, and it always starts with me asking her to try to be nicer or friendlier to my mother and brother. She gets very very defensive and says that she is how she is. She says she is already doing her best and its not fair of me to ask more of her. Its as if she is not putting in any effort at. Furthermore, she says the most she can do is to keep quiet and not say anything.

But to me, thats not enough. She has been unbending in her will, and refuses to play nice, seeing this as 'faking' it. She believes that you shouldnt try to put on a friendly face if its not sincere. So she doesnt talk to my mother at all, and even my brother or my father, since in her eyes, all of them are hypocrites when i comes to this matter. I understand her sentiment, and i appreciate her being on my side. She is the only one who sees first hand what i am going through, and to her, my father and brothers absence in dealing with my mother has made them loose credibility in her eyes.

But i find myself increasingyl being torn apart. On one hand, i have my girlfriend, stubborn and hard headed, loyal at my side, but unable to get along with my family. Then, i have my brother, the optimistic talker and main financial provider for now, but constantly absent. Mother, with monthly mood swings with a penchant of running away and criticizing just about anything. Father, unable to provide even a sen to me, 3rd marriage in a mess and complains i dont call him. And me, the eternal self doubter, dead broke, constantly whining, and just plain unhappy.

I know its just a whole lot of nonsense what i just wrote. To be honest, my minds a but messy right now. Its not that im depressed or anything, but im not jumping for joy either. Im in limbo, caught in the eternal struggle, trying to determine if my life sucks or not. I guess, thats tge part that upsets me. Good things have happened, but so have many bad things. I get so frustrated, because i just want what everyone wants. To be happy. I try searching on the outside, seeking things that would make me happy, events or happenings that would brighten my day. But then i realise that things dont work that way. You dont get what you want. Do i have enough? Have things been goin well? NO.

So i seach within my self, trying to find peace and contentment from within. Trying to come to some realization or enlightenment of life, to be truely happy with what i have. Sometimes, for brief moments i think i find it. Other times, like now, i just dont know. Am i happy with what i have? Am i happy with who i am? Again, NO.

So you see, theres really nothing, externally or internally that i am happy about. If you have read until here, my hats off to you. I dont think i could even stand reading myself whining like this.

Till another time...

posted by Compulsive Blogger @ 10:40 pm Comments: 1