Forthnights

Runaway mom....one to many times

I cant believe im saying this again, but my mother has left.... Again. Its almost comical in a sad way.

Just last night in fact. But this time its different. I had a fight with her before i left. I was in college the whole day. I left her high blood pressure medicine for her on the cabinet as usual, but when i came home she still had not taken it. I took the medicine but she refused. We then got into a heated arguement, she refusing to take it, saying she knows how to take care of herself. Still i insisted to give it to her. I tried putting the tablets to her mouth and she tried to snatch it from me instead. A small scuffle broke out and the tablets dropped and went missing instead.

I blew my top and said some pretty nasty things to her. I told her her blood pressure puts her at risk of a stroke. If she end up in hospital dont expect me to see her, since she refuse to let me care for her. A few days earlier, in another arguement she said "Im not your mother." I got angry at that i told her "YOu said it, not me."

I asked her sarcasticly why did she bother to come back the last time she left. And if she leaves again, dont expect me to come 4am in the morning to pick her up. I told her to ask her own son to pick her up, not me since she has disowned me. She kept asking me for money, asking me to return her her money. i told her she was ungrateful and selfishm, caring only about her own self. I cited many times when i had bought dinner for her or when my girlfriend cooked for her, she would only complain.

My brother on the other hand, just talks positive without having to bear any of the problems. He's away 6 days a week, and the day he's at home, he goes out to play computer games with his friends, leaving me to attend to her. "Dont yell at her. Just put up with it. We'll just have to be patient." he goes. But he's hardly facing what i am facing, knowing only to talk nice things and say good things. The last time she ran away, i told my brother all about it, expecting him to give a full account to the psychiatrist about what happened during the appoinment. Instead he said nothing, and the doctor did nothing. I asked him "Why didnt you say anything?" He said "What is there to say? She is ok what." Yeah right, she's ok. Thats easy for him to say, since he had so little to put up with. My mother generally cooperated with my brother more. She openly admitted to me she had a little favourism towards my brother between the two of us brothers. More importantly, it was I, not my brother who was administering her medication every morning and night. So i was the one "trying to poison and kill" her. Again, her own words. Interestingly, sunday night, just before my brother left to go back to his place, we spoke about the matter. He said to me to be patient and just bare with it. i said to him "I dont know. If she runs away again, its not my problem."

True enough, she has run away. When i came home to an empty house yesterday, i felt guilty. I knew i had a big part to play in this running away. I couldnt sleep, staying up untill 4am. I felt so bad inside, guilt coming over me. I wanted to cry, but no tears fell. I wanted to pretend im ok, but the burden in my heart was too heavy to ignore. I wanted to talk to someone, anyone. But my hand stayed, afraid of calling. Who would understand? Who can i talk to that would listen to me 4am in the morning? I did fall asleep eventually. The next day (today), i stayed at home the entire day. I didnt talk to anyone, didnt meet anyone. I just spoke to my brother briefly about my mother an spoke to my girlfriend for a while. i stayed at home, watching Forrest Gump, patting my dog and listening to the silence in the house, my mother missing from the house. I turn the TV up, trying to drown out the obvious absence of my mother, and the guilt i feel. I wanted to talk to someone, but at the same time, i didnt feel like meeting any of my regular friends. They hardly ask or care about my family life. Admittedly, i too have kept very mum about it.

So as i write this and return to my house, i am still left with the guilt that it was i who chased her out of the house. The only respond my brother had was "Just let her be and wait for her call. If she comes back, dont scold her, just talk to her nicely and ask her why she left without informing us first." I said nothing. I wont scold her, but i dont think i want to talk to her much either, if she even comes back at all. My brother can play 'fantasy family' all he wants, insisting my mother can be managed. But i think its beyond my own means alone. I have almost single handedly been taking care and supervising my mothers mediction and meals, but i have failed on numerous occasions, with my temper running high and patience running low. My brother, watching from far away may not understand it. When shes in her good moods, its a breeze. But when she's difficult like she has been for the pass 2 months, the stress is enough to make a sane person go crazy. I should know better, because being her son, i too am at risk of mentall illness if i do not manage my stress and emotions properly.

My girlfriend is terrified of the prospect of me needing psychiatric care. "I dont want you to end up like your mother." I know her concern, but i assured her that im alright, and as proof, even she agrees i dont show signs of depression. But i did tell her, i do have my limits. There is so much a person can take before he needs a break. I know i sound selfish in saying this, but she leaving last night is that needed break. Though i do feel guilty about it, i'd be lying if i didnt say i need some time away from my mother. I just feel like not wanting to care for the moment. In her own words "I know how to take care of myself." Well ma, go ahead, take care of yourself. I cannot be carrying her on my shoulders when i feel my back is breaking. IF that makes me a bad person, so be it.

posted by Compulsive Blogger @ 10:47 pm Comments: 1