Forthnights

A letter to my Girlfriend

This is a personal letter i wrote to my girlfriend. Its crazy of me to publish it here, since its so personal, and she'd kill me if she knew. But what the heck, i have nothing to hide here.

Dear,

Its been such a long time since I last wrote a letter to you. It seems almost like yesterday that you and I were just starting out, lovey dovey and all, but in reality, its been almost half a decade.
I know that I am no longer the same as I was when we just started out. You used to praise me all the time for being very patient with you, but you don’t anymore, simply because I am no longer as patient as I used to be. I honestly don’t know if I can ever be as patient as I used to be again, though I strongly doubt it. In that sense, I feel as if I have taken a step backward in my strength of character. I remember always trying to encourage you to improve as a person, keep on telling you to be proud of yourself, but in the end, I feel that while you have taken leaps and bounds in your character, I have slide backwards.

Maybe its all the stress at home, and the trauma of facing problems In my family that has eroded my confidence and sense of self. When I left secondary school, I felt invincible. You could throw anything at me, and I would not shy away. But having to go through things like having absolutely no money, or seeing my own mother loose all sense of self and sanity, have seeing you shed tears in front of me due to the pain I cause you, I have lost a lot of my former self. I can feel in my heart that I am a much more introverted person than I was when we first met. Maybe it’s a defense mechanism. These days, I doubt myself a lot. My sense of worth is not much anymore. In many ways, I feel as if I have failed; As a son to my father and mother, as a brother, and as a loving and caring partner to you. While I used to take pride in doing all that I can, always to the best of my abilities, I dare not claim the same anymore. Though I have friends, I feel as if there is no one I can talk to, because there is no one that would understand, no one that would listen. Even then, there are many things that I feel in my heart, that I just have no way of expressing through words. As hard as I try, there seem no words that are able to justly convey my feelings. That’s why sometimes, I just hold you hand and say “I love you.” In hopes that through some miracle, you would understand.

You have been the most constant pillar of strength to me ever since we met. Through thick and thin, you have stood by my side. Seeing the best and the worst of me, you still tell me you love me every single night before I go to sleep. At times when we fight, and you say you want out, I feel tempted to just say “Fine, go ahead.” But I have never allowed it because deep in my heart, I know I love you deeply, I know I care for you with all my heart and I know I need you desperately. I have never said it out loud, because it leaves me so exposed and vulnerable, but that is the truth dear, I need you in my life, and there is nothing that will make me let you go.
Many years ago, I remember telling you “Love is more that just a feeling, it’s a deliberate act.” I am guilty. Guilty of not loving you the way you deserve. Though I say “I love you.” Every day, I have not shown love to you the way I used to, what more the way you deserved to be loved. Instead, I have taken you for granted. Instead of concentrating on giving, I have turned selfish; demanding that you give and sacrifice in the name of our love. In its purest form, love means giving without asking in return. Though I say it, I have not practiced it. For that, I have no excuse, I have no lone of defense.

Things have been very difficult for me, especially the past year. But I will no longer take that as an excuse for my actions and mistakes. I am writing this letter because I want you to know that though I have fallen and stumbled, I intend to rise again. I will try my best to change; to be a better man, to love you with all my heart, in action not just in words, to be a better son, a better brother and a better friend. I know I may fall again despite my determination. Thus I pray to God, that he may give me the strength to get up again and persevere each and every time I fall. I will always keep my intention to be better in the future, but I hope that you can accept me for the horrible person that I am today. You appearance in my life is more that coincidence. In a way, you are an angel, sent from God to me for some purpose. What that purpose is I might never know. But I DO know that you have been God’s blessing to me in so many ways; a lover, a teacher, a sister and mostly, a friend. Thank you for loving me dear. I love you so much.


Love
Me

posted by Compulsive Blogger @ 7:40 pm Comments: 3