Forthnights

A change for the better?

It looks like things are about to change again. Just hours ago, my father, mother, brother and I were having a discussion about how things are going to be within this one year, and it looks like its going to be very different from how it is now.

Top of the discussion was of course me going to the UK to get my Bachelors. Under my current programme, I need to spend the summer of 2007 in the University in the UK to get my degree. The problem is, the whole thing will cost around RM30k, including accommodation, tuition fees, food, flight etc. Its no small amount of money, especially for the likes of us. There are loans available, but the interest rate is extremely high. So, my father proposed that we mortgage our current house to finance my studies. At the same time, my mother moves in with my brother and we rent out the house, which rent is used to repay the bank. A sound plan really, but it would mean us moving out of this house and moving away. Furthermore, my brother proposed that I move out within this month and rent room nearby. The rent from our entire house would cover the rental for my one room, and leave us with some badly needed extra cash in the mean time.

I’m not sure what to think of the whole matter really, and I was a little heart broken really, since in all the talk of relocating and moving out, not once did my family mention a word about my girlfriend. She is after all staying with us now. I guess everyone was just comfortable not saying a word, and let the obvious imply it. They did not ask about where she would live, they did not ask where she would go. They did not know, and it seemed like they didn’t care at all. Not their problem, as long as she moves out. Yet, when they first started talking about the matter, my immediate thoughts went to her. How can they just pretend that she does not exist? How can they pretend to not know that the things we were discussing and deciding upon did not just affect us, but her too? The very absent of a mention of her was just so deafening to me. How can you pretend not to know!

I know that in a way, they are not obliged to take her into a consideration. After all, who is she to them? No one. She’s just their sons and brothers girlfriend, nothing more. Still, I find myself deeply disappointed and hurt that they couldn’t care less. Despite all the misunderstanding and friction between you, do you not see who she is TO ME? Do I really need to come up to you and TELL you verbally what she means to me? Everywhere I go; friends around me laud our relationship, saying we are just bound to be together. Every friend I see; knows just how important this woman is to me, and just how much weight her words have on me. But every time I come home, and word of her is mention in my family, she is treated like access baggage. Like someone they have to put up with since they have no choice on the matter. By the end of our discussion, still no word was mentioned about her. At the very least, I would have loved to hear at least one of them ask “Will she manage? Does she need help in finding a place to stay?” But no mention of her, not even a wisp of concern. Maybe at some level, they hope that if the ignore it, they wont have to tread on this unsteady grown and the problem will just go away, hoping my girlfriend will take a cue and just go away that is.

I was troubled the next 2 hours, wondering how to crack the news to her. I knew it would crush her heart to hear it, and worse of all, I know she would know that my family did not mention her, or be concerned about what she would do in the situation.

As I spoke to her on the phone, chatting about all the usual, I was still at a lost as to how to give it to her, so I just told her straight. The first thing she asked me was “Then, what am I going to do? Where am I going to stay?” I felt like running all the way to her and just hugging her, but I couldn’t, since she was 20kms away. As hard as I tried to think of something good to say, I couldn’t. I knew she was feeling as if she was just passed by. I felt so sad for her, so frustrated at myself for not doing more and so angry at my family for deliberately playing dumb. In fact, I still am.

I guess, it really boils down to this. My family is not sympathetic to her situation. They know that she has no home of her own. But they are not willing to offer her a place in our family. To them, she is still an outsider, and whatever change that comes, she must managed it on her own. The family has no obligation to accommodate her. I know that this fact is not lost to her. She says to me “What can I say? I have no place in your family, and its useless of me to say anything, except to do what I can after your family has decided.” I feel heartbroken. I told myself many years ago that I would do what I can for her. To give her a home if I could. I brought her to my family, hoping that they would receive her with open arms. When they didn’t, I said to her “Its ok, home is with me.” And she trusted me. I know that one of the saddest things she feels always is not having a proper family or home to go to. She has been without one since she was 10, staying at the home of those who were willing to care for her and eventually on her own.

Though nothing has been decided, my family a month to think about the matter and act. To find a place to rent and move is no small matter. After 3 years of living here, its hard to accept change so drastically. My greatest disappointment in the whole matter is my family’s blatant silence concerning the only absent member of this household at the time. To undermine her is to undermine me. To ignore her considerations is more that just being insensitive; there are not that blind or ignorant, it is being outright selfish and it tells me “I couldn’t care less as to what happens to her.” In a million and one silent screams.

posted by Compulsive Blogger @ 12:31 pm Comments: 0