Forthnights

Thats right, im a thief.....

i guess the stress just gets to everyone.....


First i get into a shouting match with my father last week, and just today, my brother and i were at each other.....

So for what seems like the hundredth time, i say again that my mother is in a relapse... and boy can she really make life such a pain... She went through my stuff.. opening my drawers and closet, then swearing that she didnt even enter my room. She just grumbles when i come home with dinner for her, refusing to eat, only to eat it in the middle of the night when im asleep, she gives me a hard time when eating her medication and walks around the house at night in the dark without her pants, and doesnt bother to close the door when she is in the toilet...... Some might find it funny, but if you're me, you wont. Actually its very very disturbing, and its getting to me.

But by far the worst damage she has done so far is with her mouth. 2 weeks ago, before my fees were due, and before i reclaimed my bike, my original plan was to reclaim it, sell it and pay my semester fees. But as you know, i didnt get to reclaim it until recently, and even had to fork out RM 250 for it. My brother offered to top up on whatever cash i had in order to settle my bill. But that little money was all i had left, and if i used it for my fees, i would have to start eating grass for dinner. So i spoke to my mother. She agreed that i could use her cash first to pay my fees, and when we got the bike back, it would be sold and the money returned to her...

I told my father of what was happening, but i didn't tell my brother. When he finally came back to see my mother today, he spoke to her while i was outside getting stuff from his car. When i came back, he confronted me right in front of our doorstep that i took my mothers RM 1400. I told him that i did withdrawn that amount from her account, but it was never without her knowledge or consent. For importantly, i did not 'take' it from her... I used RM 1300 to pay my fees, and the remaining hundred, i gave it to her that night itself, along with the transaction reciept. He got into this rage, and we argued with raised voices, right there in front of my father, who was asking what the issue was about.... He said that i never bothered to tell him what was happening. I said that what i did was with her full consent, since when was i required to report to him? Am i supposed to go through him all the time before i am allowed to act? What, i cant act on my own without big brother having a say? He accused me of siphoning my mothers money for my own use, which really blew my top. I shouted to him that i have never ever siphoned her money, or ever touched her money without good reason. This was the only time i had even accessed her account. My blood was boiling at the accusation. I wanted to go into the room and scream at her for misleading my brother; for not disclosing the full details of what was happening, instead choosing to tell half truths.

I didnt know what she said to him when i was not there, but it was enough to make him suddenly suspect that i was somehow leeching on my mothers money. It was tense, and my brother and i stood there, just staring at each other eye to eye. I could see that he was really raging inside, and trying to control himself. My blood was boiling too, and i was only too ready to argue on, especially after being accused like that. But for some reason, i didnt quite react the way i though i would. I wanted to just fight and fight.. But something inside of me just knew that i had to be the bigger man here; i figure it was easier to control my emotions that it was for him. So i just took my mothers atm card out of my wallet and handed it to him. He refused to take it. He said i was now just trying to easy my guilty conscience... I was pissed at this, since i didnt have a guilty conscience, and you have to actually do something wrong to feel guilty... But i felt that i did nothing wrong. My conscience is clean, and the only wrong i did was not report what i do to my brother as often as he liked me to.

But i held my tongue, and just told him that it was not to ease my guilt. I said since he seems to have so little trust in me, since my credibility is being questioned, i would rather surrender the card to him, and let it be his responsibility. In my hands, he would be wondering if i have been using it myself. He took a full 10 seconds to finally accept the card from me. Whatever... I'm sick of it. I don't blame him for being defensive over my mother, i would have done the same, but the fact that he even considered that i would do such a thing tell me just how much credibility i have in his eyes. The damage is done, thanks for the vote of confidence.

So for the next 20 minutes he was around, he just spoke to my mother, and upon coming out, presumed to give me all sorts of advice on how to handle my mother. "Be nice to her, don't ask her to do your things. Don't order her around. Make sure she has dinner, bring her out for walks if she wants to....blah blah blah...." Hello, i know..... I have been dealing with her single handedly while you are in your house playing computer games. All you have to do is see her once a week, and you even have the cheek to ask me to bring her to your place. Of course, how could i be so stupid; its far easier for me to come in my motorbike with her, travelling 30 minutes and get wet in the rain which incidently comes everyday now. How could i possible ask you to come in your car, fully covered, fully air conditioned. No... the hassle of climbing down the stairs is just too much.. Let me come to you....


But i felt in my heart that he was saying all these advice for his own sake rather than mine. I already knew what to do. I even knew that i cant confront my mother and ask her what she told my brother concerning her money; how he somehow though i stole her money. Maybe on some level, he was just trying to do his part, and since he wasn't there to take care of her, he tries to tell me how to do it right. Well, be comforted. I don't beat up my mother the way you beat your dog. Your friends and church mates don't see you the way i do. They see the nice sunny side of you, the great and righteous friend, kind, compassionate, caring, sensitive and friendly. I have no doubt you are all of this. but i see more of you, and have seen both the best of you and the worst of you. Your friends never see you in a rage, they never see you when you loose it, or break down, i have. Yet, even after seeing the worst of you, i still hold you in high regard, as a brother and friend. I would never believe that my brother is a thief, that he would steal, what more from his own mother. I would willingly cut ties with whoever dared accused you of such things. But a careless omission from my mother in talking to you, and you treat me like you knew it all along and was finally nailing me down.

Later when my brother left (probably to go have dinner with his friends or whatever; i don't ask him where he goes or who he meets), my father asked me what we were arguing about. I told him that what it was about, and he asked me why my brother would be so upset at me not reporting to him, and why he would think i stole money from my mother. I said i have no idea. I know it breaks his heart to see the two of us fighting like that. We aren't kids anymore. Kids fight and make up. As adults, ego and pride comes in. He is terrified that we would fight and have a sort of fall out, and cut our bonds of brotherhood. Well, i must say it hasn't come to that. But keep accusing me of being a thief and it might just happen.

posted by Compulsive Blogger @ 10:49 pm Comments: 1