Just once in a while
Believe it or not, I still think of her now and then. Just wondering how she is doing, if she was doing fine, but mostly, I wonder if she ever thinks of me too.
She was the first woman I had seriously fallen for as a young boy
She was the prettiest girl in class, and in my opinion, the school. She had long flowing hair, almond shaped eyes, and the sweetest smile you could imagine. She sat across the class, and every day, I would steal glances at her, every time for just a few moments, because I was terrified that she would notice. I got to know her slightly better in secondary school, and I think it was pretty obvious that I fancied her. The first time I called her home was seriously nerve wrecking and I had to write out what I wanted to say, in fear that I would be tongue tied when it came to it! It would always be tormenting, because I always made a fool out of myself and yet it was pleasurable talking to her, being close to her, talking to her and having her attention; it was something like ecstasy on an empty stomach. It broke my heart when she chose to be with other guys, but I blamed myself because beyond just being friendly and courteous, I had done nothing to win her heart. When I was 15, she attended my birthday party, and we took a picture together. I kept that invaluable picture in my wallet and would just stare at it whenever I thought of her, imagining how we would look like as a couple. I was still a coward when it came to love.
I admired her for a total of 7 years, silently and from afar. The last I ever came in contact with her was my last days in secondary school. It was sad for me because I just knew that after this, she and I would never cross paths again. I would never see her face regularly again, I would never get a chance to casually talk to her, nor invite her to parties, and I instantly regretted not doing more of these things when I had the time.I have seen her photos posted on her website, and she has grown to be more beautiful now that ever before. When I first fell for her, she was a sweet and pretty girl of 11. Now, she is a beautiful woman of 22. Sometimes I wonder if she ever had any feelings for me, or was it just me and my infatuation all the time. There was a time where I would call her, and she would go into her room just so that she could talk to me privately. It lasted only a short while, and she would probably have no memory of it, but it made me feel special and wanted, and it was the best feeling in the world. But I was just one among a sea of suitors vying for her attention. She could have her pick, and in my impression, I was way down the list in terms of eligibility. I was neither good looking, rich nor charming. I was just a plane simple guy with little fashion sense, lots of access baggage and a dysfunctional family. All the guys after her were older, richer, better looking or simply much more eligible.
I guess I worked myself into a hole there by disqualifying myself, something I have come to regret.
Only a few women have given me butterflies in my stomach at the mere sight of them. My current girlfriend can, and so could that pocket dynamite from college. But this was the girl that first evoked such feelings for me. For some reason, she still has a special place in my heart, and I will never forget her. It a way, she was my first love, though strictly speaking, there was never anything between the 2 of us. For so many years, I thought of her as an angel, but I never had the courage to come up to her and confess my feelings, because I knew there was almost no chance. I wrote a letter to her, but never posted it to her. It is somewhere at the beginning of this blog. Now I wish I had written that letter sooner and had actually given it to her.
It is really inconsequential whether or not she thinks of me still, or if she ever had any feeling for me. But she was such big deal to me then, back when hormones were raging, love seemed to fuel the world and the Backstreetboys were the latest rage. It would be nice to know that she still thinks of me once in a while, and at the very least, I was someone worth remembering to her.
Oh well…..
posted by Compulsive Blogger @ 5:58 pm
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