Forthnights

Oh Ah Beng..

In our 3 months here, there has been this guy we all refer to as 'ah beng' rather derogatorily. He has been the odd ball with little or no friends ever since coming here, and his fame (or notoriety) was seal the day this video came out, along with a few other accompanying ones.

I never knew who he was, where he came from, only that he was a course mate of a friend, had little friends and could always bee seen walking around alone in the hostel accommodation. From the time I was here, I have always observed him, and to confirm what my friends said to me, he was usually alone and when he was not, the people around him were busy trying to avoid him. On one occasion, he just tagged along with my friends and I when we were going out to eat, even though we didn't actually invite him.. He just so happened to be there. Worst of all, whenever we were at school organised events or parties, he could always be seen walking around hurriedly, as if he has something important to do. I found this amusing, annoying yet sad at the same time. What was he doing walking around like that? Who is he trying to convince that he wasnt there alone?

I never gave much thought to him and every time he appeared, we would merely say "There he is.." and we would just glance, look away and roll our eyes at one another.

It wasn't until a few days ago that I saw this poor fellow in a different light. It was midnight, and I was walking to a friends room in the accommodation alone and there he was. He was just standing around the bush, and walking about. I though he would talk to me, seeing how we did 'have dinner together' so to speak. He did speak as I walked by, only it wasnt to me.. and there wasnt anyone else around. He looked un-kept, and he had not shaved at least a week, and he was talking to himself on a chilly midnight out in the open.. I was wearing 2 layers of clothing, and I was still freezing. He gave no heed to me, and I walked on. Later I found out that he has been trying for quite a few years to qualify coming to the UK summer course, and succeeded only recently.

But what I saw for just those few seconds was enough to keep me disturbed. I had not considered it before, but the moment I looked into his eyes, saw that blank reflection and heard those self directed words, I knew. I had seen it before in my own mother. She too had times when she would wander off alone aimlessly and talk to herself without paying much attention to those around her. This was not normal behaviour. Normal people dont usually talk to themselves out in the cold. I spoke to my friend, and she confirmed that it was not an unusual sight seeing him alone downstairs.

I felt a pang of sadness and guilt. I had belittled this guy over the 3 months. I had considered him an outcast, someone that does not fit him. I couldnt help but wonder why he was the way he was. Why didnt he grow up a bit and be a little less.. well.. kampung.... as it were.. I was mean.. not to him.. but in my thoughts towards him. And suddenly, seeing him in his vulnerable state, the situation hit home to me, to a place so close to my heart. He needed help, not of the physically type, but of the mind, and of the heart. Thoughts of my own mother came flooding in. Without realising it, I had just antagonized someone who was in a way, not unlike my mother. I have always despised people who didnt know better, who knew nothing of the suffering other people go through, who live in ignorance of the kinds of battles others face, inwardly or outwardly. And I found myself at that end... dishing out the kind of ignorant words I usually condemn.

Those close to him, his parents must know his state, and yet they chose to spend their hard earned money to come to the UK.. they had faith in him.. The 2 friends you see carrying our drunken friend home, they too knew perfectly well, and they literally lent a helping hand, and in doing so, were being a friend to him.

I feel as if I have wronged him, not in action, not in words, but in thought. How could I be so ignorant? How could I be so judgmental, of all in this matter of mental illness? Why did I not recognize it sooner, and in doing so avoid discriminating this poor guy?

He acted abnormally. He did not fit in. He had no friends. People avoided him because they found him strange, they found him annoying because he did not conform to our social etiquette and ways. They were afraid of him because they didn't understand him. My mother faces the same thing day in and day out. And in treating this guy in this manner, I feel as if I have done it against my own mother.

posted by Compulsive Blogger @ 8:31 pm Comments: 1