Turbulent hearts in Paris
I write this right at the outskirts of the heart of Paris.. yes I am in Paris.. but it hasnt really turned out the way I thought it would (at least for now)..We arrived in Paris early in the morning.. I hardly slept the night before and the previous 3 days were intense moments of emotional goodbyes and hugs for friends leaving... of going to Church for the last time.. of seeing some people for the last time.. of visiting places for the first (and last) time... bicycle tracking through the peak district... as you can see.. its been a rather emotional last few days for me..
Maybe it was the 7 hour bus ride from London.. maybe it was because I was hungry and dirty.. or maybe it was because I was just emotionally burnt out, but the moment I stepped into Paris.. I wished I was in Sheffield instead. My heart just isnt here....yet
Sure, Id like to see the Eiffel tower.. the Notre Dame cathedral and all those stuff.. but all i could think of was sitting down for dinner with my friends at Weatherspoons.. playing football at Norfolk park.. buying a dozen bottles of yogurt at Nettos supermarket and chatting with friends after Sunday service... I missed it.. I felt as if I was loosing all those things.. I was.... and my heart just wasnt in this trip.
It doesn't really matter where you are but who you are with.. Just 2 of us guys being here in Paris... the city of lovers.. it just doesnt feel right.. I shared with a friend... I'd rather be in Parit Buntu with friends than here in Paris and missing everything I left behind.
My only consolation is that I will be returning to Sheffield on the 18 for one final time.. to pick up my luggage and return home to Malaysia.. after that.. I will have no consolation.. and I will somehow have to find a way to cope with this sense of lost that I am going through right now. Flashbacks of all the wonderful time from these 3 months keep coming to my mind.... last sunday was my last sunday at this church in sheffield... the one that made me so comfortable.. so at home.. so welcomed and loved.. and I never wanted the day to end.. But end it did...
I seek solace. I need to find a way to calm my aching heart.. I need to find the strength.. what more.. the willingness to let this wonderful period of time to pass me by so that I can move on.. How long will I continue to feel this way before my heart accepts the situation.. embraces the change and go on being happy? It matters not to my heart whether I am in London, Paris... or dare I say.. Sheffield.... what matters are the people I feel I am leaving behind.. how do I willingly let go without feeling like I am giving it up?
posted by Compulsive Blogger @ 6:52 am
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