Forthnights

Am i doing the right thing?

So here i am again..Cant sleep, so i decided to come to the nearby Internet cafe to do some surfing. Had a stand off with my mother just a few hours ago. My friend came over to my house to do some work; i let him in without locking the grill door. I didnt think i needed to since i was around the house.

She was restless as usual, coming in and out of my room, saying nonsense things here and there. I didnt think she would try anything. Luckily, i spotted her before it was too late. She tried giving me the slip. She took her ready packed bag and tried to make a dash for the door. I stopped her before she could open it and asked her what she was up to. She said that she was just going out for a while, will be back when she later. I stood between her and the door. She was all smiley, telling me not to be naughty and let her pass. I said no, and she tried going to my friend, asking him to side her. Just moments earlier, she had shown me a verse from the bible, from Samuel or something that stated that "you should go to your house, and i will give you instructions." or something like that. She said that God was speaking to her and that she needed to go home to attend to her things.

I tried taking her bag from her, and thats when her smiley face gave way to the 'real' ugly face; this time she shown to attempt to hide her true feelings, and she gave me the most disgusted look she could muster. She started trying to pull at my arm, trying get me to go aside, so that she might pass. I shrugged off her hands, and she kept pushing and pushing, i just had to push her back before i fell down. She calls out to my friend, saying that i am beating her. My friend just stays in my room, not getting involved. I quickly went to the room to get my keys, and she took the opportunity to get to the door. But i was there first, and started locking the door again. When she saw me do that, she became even more desperate, raising to the top of her voice and really shoving and pushing me aside, trying to prevent me from locking the door. When i finally did get it locked, she was so upset, she took the broom and threatened to hit me with it. I just dared her to go ahead, but she didnt. We got into a shouting match (my second in 2 days), and she finally said out in the open that i stole her money. I was furious, and i reminded her that every single sen of the cash i redrew was accounted for, including the RM100 in her purse. She denied that i ever gave her the RM 100 initially. I screamed at her saying "It is you who has cause me to have a big fight with Jynn (my brother)" You conveniently forget what has happened, and not i am accused of being a thief. After arguing back and forth, she finally admits that i did indeed give her the cash. She said all she did was pray about the cash and showed my brother the receipt, asking him "I dont know what happened to the rest. No wonder my brother was in such a rage; he let his imagination run wild at my mother words. I said to her that she didnt even bother explaining properly. She just said she just prayed about it and hoped my brother would understand.

Well, she was getting confrontational with me, tempers were running high, and i was on a short fuse. So i refused to deal with her. I just told her to talk to my brother. I called him on the phone, and we spoke to him. She didnt want to talk to him either, saying the phone bill was expensive. My brother tried holding her to her promise just a day earlier that she would cooperate and listen to me. BUt she insisted that she never promised him anything. So, she then gets into an argument with him for the next 20 minutes. I had enough and didnt say anything more. I spoke to my brother personally after that, and assured him that i had things under control and knew what to do.

I brought her into her room and let her talk. SHe just started sobbing, complaining that she was disobeying God's word by staying here. She said that she prayed before reading the bible and that verse is the one that was presented to her. I told her she was reading it out of context, and that if that were really true, i could just show her any other verse and insist that it was God's sign too. But she just complained and cried, saying that she feels pressured staying here, with my father around. I tried telling her that my father wont be around alot. I even said that if it were true that it was God's will for her to leave, then let him strike me down with thunder for standing in her way. She laughed at it, and told me not to put my God to the test.

Funny or not, i wasnt in the mood to entertain her. Back in my room, my friend told me that i seemed kind of harsh with her. "WHy dont you try being nice to her. Just talk to to her nicely, reason with her. She'll probably respond better." I know he said it all with good intention, and it is really good advice. But i just said to him, its the best i can do. I dont want to mistreat her, but i dont have the time or the energy to coax her or tell her to do things like bath, eat her food or brush her teeth. I told him i feel more like a jail warden. Its fine if its just one time. But i have to get her to do the same things every day, and i cant be doing it every day. Thats why i come across as being harsh to her. I told him that i have passed that stage of being nice and friendly. I dont have the endurance, the patience, the time or the energy to try to talk nice and gently get her to do what i want. Let my brother do that. Let him be the good guy, who sooths my mother with kind and sweet words and promises. I dont mind being the bad guy, who makes her take her medication against her will, who scolds her for not taking her bath, brushing her teeth or wearing her cloths properly, who makes her eat dinner, even when she doesnt want to. Who stands in her way and refuses to let her run away from home. My brother insists that i be nice to her, and theres nothing wrong with his request really. Yeah, i dont sweet talk her, i dont talk to her gently or try to reason with her too much, but i do what i think is ultimately the right thing. She tells my brother that i dont take good care of her, that i treat her badly. Maybe she is right. She argued so much that my brother asked me to just let her go. I said no... He said that if anything happened to her outside, it was out of our hands, and not our fault. I blasted him "Are you sure it wont be our fault. If we let her go, she is out of our hands, which is precisely the point. We cant be there to supervise or protect her. I rather she be locked up, safe in this house than be at risk outside with her freedom.

At least this time, my brother offered more sincere help rather than just trying to tell me what to do. Of course he did go through the usual 'talk to her, be nice etc." but he also offered to come over the moment i felt it was too much for me to handle. He said that we would bring her to the hospital and admit her if needed. I told him that it was not needed yet, and doing that would be a trauma for everyone involved. I told him that she would not go willingly, and we would have to physically force her to even enter the hospital. I told him it was not something i want any of us to go through. Well, i left her at that, and he just calmed down after that and went to sleep. I hope tomorrow is a better day for me. Its bad enough having sleepless nights like this, the unbearable days just makes life so miserable.

In other news, for some reason, my father felt compelled to call me up and insist that he is not to blame for my mothers relapse. He said that he was just an easy target since he happened to be around. He said that the real reason was because of the lack of medication; it seems obvious that she has been skipping it. I said that he wasnt the sole factor to her relapse, the lack of medication was indeed a factor. But his presence around was also a contributing factor. He refused to accept this and said it was the medication. I didnt want to argue with him about it too much. Maybe he's trying to self sooth too, except he does it by using denial.


Maybe i should run away for a change. Its always my mother running away and us worrying. Maybe i should just disappear one day and let her worry for a change. I do feel like the bad guy. I know my friend finds it hard to understand why i cant just be nice to her. I ask myself the same question. Why cant i just be a little nicer? I know i am stern and strict with her because i know its the most effective way of achieving the results i want; for her to co-operate with me. The more i think of it, the more i realise that perhaps it is a defense mechanism for me too. My friend said to me he didnt think that the situation doesnt look good. I told him that i hope she would improve within the week. He surprised me by saying "Im not talking about your mother, im talking about you. Can you handle it or not? Its not something just anyone can handle." That when i realise that maybe thats how i have been coping. I distant myself from her in times like these. In reality, i am very attached to her. I care for her so much, and like i told my girlfriend, my mother is the most important person for her to get along with, since she means the most to me. But suddenly, at times like this, when she is in her relapse, i become very harsh in dealing with her. More harsh than even my brother. He becomes soft and feels tempted to give into her demands, like running away, but i find myself being more stubborn than ever, willing to battle it out with her. Its out of place to be quoting this, but they say 'spare the cane and spoil the child.' She is no child, but i think the underlying message is the same. You do what is ultimately the greater good, even if you become unpopular or hated in the process. i try to be guided by that conscience, and even if i become hated in the process, i pray to God that i am doing the right thing.

posted by Compulsive Blogger @ 2:23 am Comments: 1